august-inspiration

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2008-08-16T00:42:00.001+02:00

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The Trip

2008-06-15T14:50:00.002+02:00

Before I begin, I just want to say: Counting Crows was awesome, Counting Crows was awesome, Counting Crows was awesome, Counting Crows was awesome, Counting Crows was awesome, Counting Crows was awesome, Counting Crows was awesome, Counting Crows was awesome, Counting Crows was awesome, Counting Crows was awesome, Counting Crows was awesome, Counting Crows was awesome, Counting Crows was awesome, Counting Crows was awesome, Counting Crows was awesome, Counting Crows was awesome, Counting Crows was awesome, Counting Crows was awesome, Counting Crows was awesome, Counting Crows was awesome, Counting Crows was awesome, Counting Crows was awesome, Counting Crows was awesome!!!!!

This time next week, I shall be in the U.K. This is a reality which has not quite sunk in yet. These days I look around me and I see where I am, where I should be and where I want to be, but the past and the future get neglected. I wonder if I place too much weigh on certain decisions and not enough on others. Perhaps the pending adventure will reveal new insights. But I don't want to dwell on this topic now, because I only aim to give our itinerary now.

We leave on Friday afternoon and arrive on Saturday morning. My brother will pick us up from the airport and that day we'll probably spend in London on a blitz “absolute-very-best-of”. On Sunday, we'll go into the heart of Wales to where my brother's life in the U.K. started. The plan is then that we'll take a bus tour through the country from the Monday to the Thursday, although that tour hasn't been booked yet. There are some administrative decisions which have to be made by the tour company which we don't have any control over. If the tour is not going to pan out, we'll rent a car and do pretty much the same as the bus tour, but on our own and at our own pace. From Saturday the 25th of June to Monday the 7th of July, my brother will take us on a personal tour through most of western continental Europe: France, Switzerland, Germany, the Netherlands and Belgium. From the 8th to the 11th we don't really have any concrete plans, but I am going to take off on my own for two days to explore London. I want to explore the city at my own pace and have some friends who I want to see. I know that some people argue that the point of going overseas isn't to go meet up with other people from your country, but I'll risk it. I am really looking forward to seeing them, as well as meet new and interesting people. Finally, on the 12th we set off for home again and arrive on the 13th.

I am going to try my best to update regularly on the trip.

This is going to be legendary! :-)

Yet Another Delayed Post

2008-06-06T23:40:00.000+02:00

So, here I am, Friday evening, hammering away at a guilt post. And what a guilt post it is. I feel like this website has become a red-headed step-daughter of mine. But it does not help to dwell on the procrastinations of the past: one must look to the here and now; and the future. What I am going to do, however, is reflect on some Significant Events of late.

First thing is first. The eighth GeekDinner was like a sequel nobody expected to be better, but then pleasantly surprises. Because I am a week and a half late with reporting on this event, I shall refrain from commenting on the details and rather refer you to the reports of my fellow geeks. Again I met some interesting people, although the batch I was seated with specialized in hammering in the Small World Theory, which made for 180º of fascinating conversation. A special thanks to Mel's Village Kitchen in Rondebosch and Perdeberg wines for facilitating the core ingredients of this GeekDinner.

On Monday, at long flippen last, I finally shook-off the bonds of dail-up and entered the civilised phase of broadband. Granted, as far as DSL goes, it is as slow as it gets, but for the caveman the candle is just as good as the light bulb (better? nah, I'm not going to start arguing that). I'm not sure if being excited about fast internet is necessarily quintessentially geeky, but I have been told that my enthusiasm around this has been a bit over-board. Nevertheless, a new age has dawned, so drink and be merry! (Ironically, I am home in Bellville this weekend, so this post is still being written off-line as usual and will only see light of foreign HTTP request on Sunday or Monday.)

Last night, some friends and I went to see the Chris Rock No Apologies Tour. It is his first comedy tour of South Africa and first show here in Cape Town sold out very quickly, and the second show was very nearly full-packed as well. It was hilarious and I enjoyed it very much, but he did dwell a bit on American politics, as I feared he might have done. Of course he also tailors his jokes for the audience, which, one has to admit, might be a bit difficult in an environment as foreign as ours (to Americans). But I did enjoy it very much and have a lot of respect for him for actually coming out all the way to the extreme end of far-off continent.

Tuesday I'm going to see the Counting Crows live. Lacking foresight, my commentary is at this stage only limited to stating that it is going to be legendary!

Other news is that we are entering the critical planning phase of our overseas trip. The whole situation surrounding my father (I still have not been able to find that “lost post”, so forgive me for the fact that you as the reader will be in the dark as to this point) has soured things a bit. I suppose that there is a sense that this trip is going to involve a lot of sacrifice from everyone, although I know that it is important, now more than ever, to look on the bright side of everything and look forward to the trip. My psychiatrist brother has been a bit elusive of late and I wonder what is going on there, but I can't help to analyse the situation in the background as I know he does. I try not to see the world as he does - I contend that I am too young and ignorant to try and start enforcing other people's experience of life. Still, I don't think one (I) should polarise completely, especially not now.

I think I am going to dedicate another post to describing our travelling plans. At present I would say it is about 70% planned, with another 20% suspended and awaiting some decision-making.

Lost Words

2008-05-27T22:22:00.000+02:00

I should have made a post a week or more ago. I wrote a long blog entry in which I poured my heart out. I was going through a difficult period and felt the time was right to say some things I had been promising to say for a long while. As usual, I wrote it off-line and stored it in an OpenOffice document until I got to a decent internet connection (I tried posting from home, but Blogger was having some issues, as usual). The problem is that, of late, I have become a little lazy and just saved the file on my desktop. Then... then I moved stuff around; copied, pasted and deleted and, before I knew I, I had lost that post. Literally lost: I don't know if I deleted it or copied it to some obscure place or what. Needless to say, I was less than impressed (with myself). If it was moved or deleted, I could have tried undeleting it from my ext3 filesystem, but I attempted that sojourn last year and still have nightmares about it. So, until further notice, that post is lost. If I find it, I'll happily put it up, but I am not going to rewrite it any time soon. For what its worth, my father is doing better, although he seems to be ill again.

So I was put off from posting for a while. I wanted to write about the so-called xenophobic attacks, but I've lost my mojo. Its bad – don't do it.

Finally after four months of waiting, my DSL has been set up. Starting Sunday (hopefully), I shall leave this primitive age of dial-up and graduate to ADSL. I'm counting the sleeps remaining :-)

Forcing myself to write isn't helping at the moment. Tomorrow night is another GeekDinner: perhaps I'll feel more chatty after that.

Number Two

2008-04-30T18:56:00.000+02:00

April came and April went. The seasons are locked in an epic battle; fought to a stalemate.

Today was another day at work where Sam Self-Confidence, who lives on my right shoulder, told me I was redundant in the company. So I pretended to look busy in between actually looking for something to do. I managed to move my computer from “my” spot, as I was evicted on the basis that the person to whom that spot actually “belongs” is returning on Monday from maternity leave. I also wiped off some desks with a damp cloth and made some suggestions to mundane problems. Any day of work you can walk away from without feeling totally depressed was a Good Day™.

Each day, however, holds the promise of new knowledge. Mine came in the form of an SMS which told me that an old friend of mine was getting married today in a church which is five minutes' walk from where I work. I could quite literally hear the wedding bells. I had ignorantly believed that I would be invited, but c'est la vie. Shocked, initially, yes, but I can't be upset about something so beautiful. In all fairness, my friend's parents didn't really recognise me; his sister did, but forgot me name. So yes, I haven't seen them in a very long time. And I have never met the bride. Point is, I'm glad for them: he's a great guy and I'm glad for them. I pray that they will find happiness beyond any of their wildest imagination and that their lives together will be blessed, fruitful and long. At least I got to wish him and his family congratulations.

The thread that ties everything together is a another friend who was looking for a place to stay tonight. I haven't seen this friend in a long time, a good and dear friend, and my heart was aching for months. On Saturday he contacted me that he was in the country again and I nearly jumped out of my skin. Tonight it is my pleasure and honour to host him after the reception of our mutual friend. Nothing bad came of this day. But there was euphoria.

My Stalker

2008-04-07T20:38:00.001+02:00

I now officially consider myself being stalked. A few weeks ago, I started receiving calls on my cellphone from a “Withheld” number. Whenever I answer these calls, the person on the other side immediately hangs up. At first it only happened once every couple of days, now it happens a couple of times a day. The called persists, whether I say something when I answer or not. Because the number is withheld, I am not sure whether I shall be able to trace it. This also means that I cannot block the number. I also simply can't ignore calls from “Withheld” either, as my brother's number is also “withheld”.

I you are reading this and you are my stalker, please grow up and face me like an adult, whatever your beef is with me.

GeekDinner 5/7

2008-04-01T18:15:00.001+02:00

Yesterday I attended the seventh Cape Town GeekDinner, “Garrulous Grape”, which is also the fifth one I attended. Along with “Dangerous Drumstick” (the one at Summerville in Camps Bay), this was one of the GeekDinners which I enjoyed the most. The experience was largely dominated by good company, interesting new people and excellent food. I have to admit that I started feeling like a GeekDinner veteran when I elicited several “wows” from people when I told them that this was my fifth GeekDinner. I have never felt uncomfortable at a GeekDinner and it is not cliquey at all, but I suppose that, as with everything else, some are better than the rest. This one was definitely one of the better ones.

Our venue was Greens in Plattekloof. The food was... well, let me put it this way: I could not chew slow enough to absorb the magnificent taste of it all. Definitely thumbs up.

For a long time I have endeavoured to persuade some of my friends to join us at a GeekDinner, but the enthusiasm was always less than convincing. But, after this one, it appears that there is an entire group eager to get in on the event. The Stellenbosch posse seems to be swelling; soon we shall have a majority vote over the venues. ;-)

The Honour is all Mine

2008-03-17T22:54:00.000+02:00

Finally, after much sweat, toil and a few tears, my honours is completely behind me. Today I graduated with B.Sc. Hons in Computer Science Cum Laude. I realized many months ago that I stand a chance to cum my degree, so it was always in the back of my mind as I laboured forth. It was a hope so frail I dared not speak it, for fear it would be blown to pieces. It is a big deal for me, like any other academic achievement I've accumulated over the past eight years. I don't flaunt it – the aura for frailty remains long after reality has hardened the hope. Most important is humility. My achievements are not my own, but an end product brought about by the invaluable support of family, friends and my Faith. I can't even call it “my” Faith - I receive so much more than I deserve.

If ever I achieve greatness, I hope it will honour those who have supported me. And I hope I can mean half as much to my family and friends as they mean to me. In the mean time, I hope they accept my gratitude.

Dark Secret

2008-03-17T20:10:00.000+02:00

Sometimes
When all is quiet
And dark
And there is no humming
Of a refrigerator
Or fan
Or clock
And I am disconnected from my digital world
(A world that feeds
A world that sustains
A world that seemingly gives purpose)
The noise from outside is quiet
Because the grid that give us life is dead
I am at peace
And become annoyed
When the sub woofer bleats
And the lights come on
And the refrigerator starts humming.

Making the World a Safer, Happier Place for Penguins

2008-02-29T10:55:00.002+02:00

This morning two of my friends, Nanocell and Snoesie, got engaged after clocking a relationship of four years. I wish them all the best for the future - I believe Ha Shem gave them to each other to start an exciting and long lasting leg in the journey of life. Peace, prosperity and happiness to them! La Cheim!

Nothing Easy

2008-02-27T10:42:00.000+02:00

We have all heard proverbs or maxims along the lines of “Nothing easy is worth having”. While I know some people who would strongly content that point, I am slowly coming to realise it to be true.

My stated goal for the following two years was to grow in all aspects of my life. I am fed up with the stagnation of the past four years. Indeed, if it had been only stagnation I would have been able to pick up where I left off. But despite the vast treasure trove of learned knowledge I have gained over the course of my tertiary studies, in other areas I have regressed. It would seem that the journey of life is not one over flat, firm ground, but rather a trek up a slippery slope: unless you labour to move forward, you will slip down.

I recently watched Long Way Round, which documents Ewan McGregor and Charlie Boorman's “round the world” trip from London to New York on their motorcycles. It was very inspiring and I am looking forward to seeing Long Way Down. One certainly feels inspired to do something epic when watching that. While I shall conveniently leave that “something epic” as a treat for later in my life (Deo Volente), I find myself reminded of what the late Sir Edmund Hillary said: “Everyone should have an Everest”. Planning on having a glorified mid-life crises does not qualify. Rather, everyone should have a clear goal to work for. For four years, I believed my goal was to acquire an university degree. I do not regret studying. It also wasn't easy (although I probably, at times, made it more difficult and ardious for myself than it needed to be), but it did not feel like an Everest. I won't talk down on graduating and many times the task at hand did feel like a behemoth, but perhaps the goal I was aiming for was a little one-dimensional. Throughout the entire time I realised and acknowledged that I was neglecting important things in my life. Now, with a new chapter in my life beginning, I am amped to start righting some wrongs.

But what am I doing? I'm writing about it. Nearly two months of this year has dropped from the calendar, meaning a sixth of the time has been spent. I have not improved on my situation. Excuses are galore. Indeed, I probably now have more valid excuses than before (my two jobs keep me quite busy during the day - I have not yet factored in the studies properly). But I cannot allow myself to be bogged down any further. The challenges are more and the short-term goals are less than glorious (I find myself in a position where I need to stop some bleeding before moving on to bigger things – more on this later), but achieving them will be no less significant. Each achieved goal is a stepping stone to something bigger. I am not an overly patient person, but patience is indeed a rare and precious quality in the modern world. Perhaps, learning to do things in steps will teach me patience as a side-benefit.

My Unfulfilled Need

2008-02-24T08:50:00.000+02:00

I have a desire to drive on a quiet road at night. No street lights, no headlights coming from the front or rear and no tail lights in front of me. Just quiet road with my music playing and no-one else there. Maybe there can be a little fog – like tonight... yes, that would be nice. But there are always other cars.

Getting the Job Done

2008-02-11T23:08:00.000+02:00

Today was... something surreal. Something special. Today I handed in my honours project. At the start of the weekend the anticipation began – the feeling that I am so close to putting this entire experience behind me. As the hours dropped away, I became more at peace with myself and less worried about what had to be done. When I dotted the last i, I no longer felt worry; only tired elation.

My project, “Fast Regular Expression Matching”, had the misfortune of being associated with some terrible experiences. Not only had I to deal with emotional problems, but the sheer scope of doing your honours completely reeled me. Before I had started with my honours, many people had told me that I am going to enjoy myself. I was even told that I am being envied, because I remind people of the pleasure they had had doing their honours. My experience of doing honours was not exactly pleasurable. The workload was very heavy and it was difficult to get to everything, let alone keep your sanity. To the agony of my readers I have repeatedly lamented 2007. The good news is that this project hand in, for me, is the last chain cast off from that period of my life. Now there is only looking (and moving) forward.

I had very high hopes for my project. The potential was there to do something really stunning (al be it not ground breaking). I envisioned a complex, by elegantly executed, heart surgery in the clinical environment of a Californian private hospital. In stead, my project ended up as a hurried back alley abortion in Mogadishu. When I proofread my report yesterday, I was satisfied with my write; I'm am not concerned about my style. Rather, it is what I wrote about that scares me. Some of the results are very shaky. They are not necessarily incorrect, but rather not up to the academic standard which might be expected from an honours student. But, I had worked through the night and by daybreak the hours were falling like autumn leaves from a tree. Then, all worries and concerns dissipated. Perhaps it was temporary insanity induced by fatigue, but I did not care any more. I tied up the loose ends and with a push out chest and a head held high I handed in my project - I passed on the gremlin which rode on my back for a year to a person who will judge whether my carrying around of it was an adequate effort. Then, I came home and slept.

Honestly, I don't know what is going to happen now. All I want is a pass (well, 54%, actually), so that is all I'm hoping for. It certainly seems like all I aspired for. Next week sometime I still have to give a presentation on my work. While I know I'll feel like a neon pink deer during hunting season, I have been assured that we are practically graded on the report alone. So, as far as I'm concerned, the hardest part is out of the way.

Now I can look forward to getting my life in order and doing my masters. The difference between my masters and my honours is going to be that, while the honours was an end, the masters is a means to something else. Where this journey is going to take me, I do not know, but I'm excited to get on the road.

But first, I'm going to go get some more sleep.

Dark Reign

2008-01-22T09:35:00.000+02:00

South Africa is within the grip of another barrage of “controlled” power-outages. The recent woes started a little less than two weeks ago when four generators in Mpumalanga failed simultaneously. Since then, we have suffered numerous power failures here in Stellenbosch. Some of these failures I took personally, as they happened just as I sat down in front of my computer to relax a bit. At least books don't run on electricity. The other power failures I experienced were less interruptive, but just as annoying, as they happened at my respective places of work. Everyone learned long ago that you can't trust Eskom for a continuous supply of electricity, so the places of work which can afford to do so has acquired diesel generators. This includes my place of employment and the University of Stellenbosch. Computers and lights are run off the generators, but of course air conditioning is a pure luxury, so that has to be turned off. In Stellenbosch, in the middle of summer, in rooms where multiple people and running computers are congregated, it is not ideal to be without air conditioning. But, we push forward; within one or two (or four) hours, the loud drone of the diesel engines will stop as another city or area is plunged in (metaphorical and literal) darkness.

For the past five working days, I have been under the employment of the University of Stellenbosch again. This time it was as a student assistant for the Computer Science bridging course for the first-years-to-be. After the first, relatively quiet day, I was hopeful and eager to play a part in the shaping of these virgin minds fresh out of a failing school system. By Friday, however, things had turned dire. I don't know whether it was the heat or the disheartening revelation that most of the students were fledgling engineering students or both, but I found my patience wearing thin, especially with the second (and largest) group. The reality was that these poor souls were accepted by our Engineering faculty and commanded to have Computer Science as a subject somewhere along their academic journey. However, the hopeful civil and chemical engineers (probably ignorant to the true scope of their chosen study course), have little or no experience of computer programming. It was encouraging to see some of the students pick up on programming almost immediately, but with others it was an uphill battle to explain even the most basic concepts. By the end of this experience, my confidence as a computer science pedagogue had taken a severe beating. However, the money was good. Perhaps I shall try my hand as a student assistant in the second semester again.

Continuing my busy-bee streak, I landed yet another part-time job. This time it is the System Administrator of the Computer Science division at the University of Stellenbosch. Our current system administrator is leaving at the end of the month (to go be a “house husband”, in his words, in another part of the country) and we had been unable to find a replace, due in no small part to the fact that the pay is not very good. I am assured, however, that at this point most of the administrative tasks have been automated with scripts, so I won't be working myself to death, but the salary is not enough for someone to try and make a living from working there. So, due to some academic politics I am not going to go into now, I had been offered the job, and I accepted. I am still planning on studying full time, however, so my duties will be clearly defined and constrained. For the time being, am I also only employed as system admin until April, which suits me fine. The truth is that I shall be earning more as system admin than I am currently earning at my other job.

If this isn't going to be the year of the nervous breakdown or the collapse from exhaustion, it might just be a good one. I am weary of making predictions, but at the moment I have just enough challenges and opportunities in front of me to keep me on my toes, but to also keep me excited. Last week I had another meeting with my promoter for my masters again, and stuff we discussed regarding my masters really got me excited again. I only need to close this regular expressions chapter of my life first...

Saturday was my birthday. I had a quiet day with my folks and in the evening some of my friends and I went to Paulaners in the V&A Waterfront. Thanks to everyone wished me well, who joined me at Paulaners and everyone who tried to come, but couldn't make it. Sunday was more family day as my brother and his wife treated me to a Watershed concert at Kirstenbosch. I had never been to one of their concerts and had expressed my desire to attend one before. I had also introduced my brother and his wife to Watershed on a previous visit, so we were all keen to go. It was a thoroughly awesome experience! The band was great, the music was great and the venue was great. Kudos to Kirstenbosch Summer Concerts!

Manhattan Sinking

2008-01-14T11:07:00.000+02:00

Wow, you turn over to sleep for a few more minutes, and you find that half the month has gone. Not that I have been completely passive thus far this month, but my conscious keeps bothering me about my honours project which I still have to finish (/start again). The final deadline is now within one month minus three days. Its time to put an end to this. And it is time to stop making idle threats.

Now, on to things which I have been doing. On the third of this month, I started doing “real” work for the first time in my life. I have clock in and out times, I earn a salary (of sorts) and I have a company computer on which I do tasks which have been assigned to me. So far its going pretty well. I still feel lost most of the time, however, but I manage to do what I'm assigned (although I have had to deal with many “exceptions” and technical difficulties one wouldn't normally expect – thank you Windows Vista and friends). Its a nice environment to work in. My training is, however, ongoing and not very consistent, but I write it off to the hectic time my mentor is going through (for example, one employee resigned without warning, now people are scrambling to fill the gap).

I work as a tester for a company in Dorp street in Stellenbosch. From the outside it does not seem very impressive where it is nestled in an old building which someone once called home. But, on the inside, one realises that it is larger than it seems and you quickly get a feel for the buzz of business and software development which goes on inside its walls. The company itself is not small, either, with multiple offices overseas (only our office actually develops any software, however, with the other being sales points). The supply is software regarding maritime business planning and the demand comes from people who only do transactions with at least six digits, so I can only imagine what the turnover is. The product itself is something of awesome complexity. As a tester, I'm busy learning how to use it, but with a lack of both a maritime* and financial background, I feel like I'm not understanding as much of the “basic” things as I should. Overall, everything is going well, and I'm eager to see what the near future brings, as we gear up for another major release. Amazingly, I'm coping with working nine to five, however therein also lies my biggest complaint: when I get home, I'm knackered and and can easily sleep for two hours, only to awaken and find that night has engulfed us. And it is still summer, so the sun does not go down early...

Other news has been the relocation to the new apartment. I don't really know what to call it, though; I suppose it is more of a granny flat than anything else, though I don't think I would be able to life with myself if I were to confine my grandmother to this room. Yesterday was my final big haul of stuff. And what stuff it is: I've gotten more in two month's time than perhaps ever before over the same period: a hotplate, a microwave, a mirror etc. etc. While it was nice (and humbling) to be spoiled like this, it posed another problem: how to fit everything into the flat. I still have a couple of boxes left which need emptying, but I believe most of the chaos is under control. The answer was to build higher: everywhere I can stack something, I have done so. While this means that, in the event of an earthquake I'll be crushed to death from five different directions, I think I'll be okay. The major problem now is to attach enough multiplugs to extend my two power outlets to accommodate all my electrical devices (which I might need to use concurrently at any given moment). It is also probable that I shall have to rearrange the furniture, but at the moment all seems to be going well.

Tomorrow is another day. Thankfully I only work two days a week, but this week and the next I also have commitments at the university, so I've temporarily moved back to Stellenbosch, even though I still do not consider my holiday “officially” over.

* My only knowledge of nautical terms comes from watching NCIS, although using that knowledge as the basis of anything will in all likelihood only lead to trouble. For instance, on day two I was introduced to “head fixtures”. I'm still not 100% what this is, but its something like the commitments a vessel has. From NCIS, however, I know that the “head” of a ship is the toilet. So, a head fixture is a toilet bowl ... ?

Earnest Wish

2008-01-01T02:16:00.000+02:00

How does the year end
How does the year end
How does the year end
I do not care, just let it pass away.

Time is a fickle thing: its worst qualities are also its best. When time passes, it cannot be repossessed. It is gone. Our focus must be on the next slice of time in which we find ourselves and plan for what comes after. All we can do with the past is learn from it, reminisce over it or cringe and shudder from it. We are, broadly speaking, ever really only in one of three states: happy, sad or content. The times we are content, we normally forget quite quickly (I believe this is why time seems to “go by so quickly these days”: it is because our lives are consumed by mundane activities). Happy times are the memories we entertain with glee and joy. Sad times – well, we all know about those times. They are the memories we either necessarily carry around despite their bitter taste, or memories we simply cannot shake, for we are not even the masters of our own synapses. But, if we are honest with ourselves, we acknowledge that all memories, whether we want to forget them or not, are necessities for our being. 2007 was a year I would like to have erased from history, but the lessons learned in the “year of the assassin” might very well be some of the most important ones of my life, therefore I must carry the year around like a slightly-more-than-useless-appendix.

I am very liberal in proclaiming 2007 as having been an awful year. The reason for this is not that I want everyone to be aware of my misery and to feel sorry for me, but because all the people I know and interacted with this year suffered under it. Perhaps my own troubles made me attune to those people closest to me, but I believe genuine frowns outnumbered genuine smiles this year. The year which has just passed was one of death, divorce, pain, confusion and loneliness.

My trails started early in the year with a bad feeling in my gut about my relationship with Michelle. Like something from Aliens, “it” punched through my innards within a few weeks to emerge as something more horrible than I had imagined. Within two months, our relationship was over. However, I continued to cling on for nearly nine months, employing a range of psychological tactics which can be described as nothing else but dirty tricks. My words were not only damaging to her, but also self-destructive. The plethora of conflicting feelings I had about the situation drove me to the brink of depression. But, through the support of family, friends and a psychologist, I emerged on the other side. I did this, however, just too late. While I was still mulling over a revelation I had had one evening, whatever shadow of a relationship (friendly or otherwise) that was left between Michelle and I came to a sullen end. I am now carefully picking through the pieces; those which are worthy keepsakes will be stored safely, while the rest will be thrown out. I declare myself no longer a prisoner of this subject: I am free and I am thankful.

This year I also lost my grandmother, in a manner of speaking. While her body is still with us, her mind is tangled and contorted such that we cannot comprehend her. I am confident that everything is still there: the pieces simply do not fit together like they use to. My parents and I went to visit her again yesterday. She was much better this time. She was awake and very talkative. While her words made no sense to us, they made sense to her; there simply is no longer any sense of chronology. Despite this, for a brief moment I was able to see my grandmother again for whom I had grown up to love. She is still there. It is a bitter-sweet reality, but not a complete loss.

Academics, academics, academics! I want to line up everyone who had gotten me excited about doing honours and tell them exactly what a horrible experience it turned out to be. This was an experience shared by my brothers and sisters of the hallowed institution of the University of Stellenbosch; an angry, drained and powerless mob. But, I cannot do that to everyone who tried to instil a sense of anticipation in me – not so much because of logistics, but because these people really wanted the best for me. I cannot be mad at them for that. Honours simply was unpleasant, but whose fault is that? No-one, everyone and the people in between. While I did not finish my honours in 2007 (strictly speaking), it seems right for it to be so: an academic “set-back” of such proportions is only fitting for such a disastrous year. But, I am keeping moving forward and am anticipation starting with my masters soon...

Other problems were more superficial, but still took its toll. My car was as much trouble as an upset toddler in a supermarket. I had to contend with some mannerisms of friends which I find incomprehensible. I had to struggle through the grey muck that is morality and make some difficult decisions. There was frustration with varsity/departmental politics. And a horde of other things.

But, perhaps, I dwell on all the negative aspects. Few things are purely black or white. Like any year, 2007 had some positive fallout. On a personal level there was the realisation of the great support network I have in my family and friends. I made new friends and strengthened other friendships. I learned life lessons and I learned about myself. On a non-personal level, there were the promises of marriages, new life and new beginnings. For a select few, 2007 will even be remembered as a good year. It is not for me to take that away from anybody. But, growing into the role of narcissist, I am most aware of myself (and those [whom I allow] around me).

I like my rituals and perceptions. I tend to personify a year as a creature: a malicious beast tearing away at the populace, an angel which folds its wings around the frail populace or some mischievous monkey of which we do not know whether to be happy or angry with. For someone who is not superstitious (and, indeed, does not even consider the Georgian calendar as the “real” calendar), I place much stock in the Earth's rendezvous with that arbitrary point in space that is January the first. But I think its OK; while other people are out getting trashed, I reflect on what is important and plan for the future.

Those who have been reading this blog for a few years will know that the composition of this blog entry is accompanied by A Long December by the Counting Crows. Every year I make a silent wish (for myself and those around me and in my life) that “this year will be better than the last”. Last year's hope blew up in my face, but I kept looking forward to the next opportunity (now) that I'll have to ask for better days. Asking, after all, costs nothing. Also, this year that phrase is less of an recited incantation: rather, it is offered as a real, sincere prayer to Ha Shem that He will guide and protect all of us. Pain and bad times won't go away, but, for all those who survived the year, it rings true that “a tree is not made to bare fruit which it cannot carry”.

It is not my intention to spoil the new year with high expectations, but if we do not ask, we shall not receive.

In this year I plan to grow and continue healing. Whether this is your goal or not, I hope that you will also experience these things. May your year be better than the last. Go out and make a difference.

Blessings for the New Year.

Baruch Ha Shem!

Less Than Ideal Memories

2007-12-28T10:34:00.000+02:00

Despite all the free time which a long holiday such as the one I am on affords, reflections and introspections are scarce. This is because you are either on the go, or just vegging out completely. But in the past week some things have happened which have, quite literally, been thought provoking. I don't want to go into all of it, but I shall say that I felt like a major fake in the beginning of the week. I am not proud of it, but I honestly don't know what to make of the situation.

Yesterday I was walking around in the local mall when I saw someone there working in a shop whom I went to school with. We were never really friends and, admittedly, I had ducked-and-dived her before, but for some reason I walked up to her and greeted her. She greeted me surprisingly warmly and we proceeded to have a pleasant chat. She has changed a lot since primary school: she has grown assertive and independent, which was nice to see. I was reminded again of what a jack-ass I was back in primary school, especially towards her. I don't think of what happened back then as water under the bridge, even though I try very hard to put those days behind me. Its very simple: we were all brats and little monsters back in primary school. Still, those were the days of our emotional awakenings, and our actions towards other people bore great weight. [Primary] school is probably one of the most hostile and unpleasant environments a child can find him or herself in.

Having mostly been a “victim” during school years, I was quick to slot into the “survival of the fittest” (jack-ass?) mentality (retarded): if someone was in some sense “weaker” that you or gave any quarter whatsoever, I took advantage of that person to give the appearance that I am not completely at the bottom of the food-chain. I did this with a few people, and regret it very much today. While I cannot change the past, I can at least hope to learn from it.

People change. The people I know have all changed over the years. Those who were first are now last and those who were last are now first. We, for some people and in some sense. Earlier this year I was contacted by someone I occasionally victimized during high school during Facebook. I took the opportunity to sincerely apologize for my actions. He never responded: I do not know whether my words meant anything to him or not. He has also changed. I don't know for better or for worse. The absolute worst feeling is the thought that your malicious actions impacted someone's life negatively.

Very Privileged

2007-12-10T10:12:00.000+02:00

In our materialistic world where the notion of “me, me, me” is frequently reinforced (sometimes by the media and sometimes by the people around us), it becomes easy to loose sight of humility. I hesitate to talk about humility, because when people call themselves humble I often think the contrary (an example was the only Q&A of one of the Miss South Africa finalists which I happened to glance the other day). But the point that I am trying to make is that, through our daily trails and tribulations, when something goes our way, we easily consider it a right, not a privileged. Even people who have our best intentions at heart sometimes push us to such a train of thought: trying to convince a burned our friend, colleague or family member to take a break and some “you time”, congratulating people on an award or achievement, saying “you deserve it”. There is nothing wrong with saying these things, but one must never loose sight of the distinction between rights and privileges.

I have been very fortunate this year because of the support (moral, emotional and financial) which I have received from my family this year. Yes, I am the youngest and still dependent on my parents, but I am also an adult and knows no-one “owes” me anything. Whatever I get, I get out of love. I am privileged. But my privilege level might soon go through the roof.

My mother owns a beach house near Langebaan. We never used it much and I don't particularly like it very much (although I shall always remember it as the place where I welcomed in the new millennium). We've been renting out the house for years now, with more than a fair share of hiccups.

Yesterday, my mother formulated a plan: sell that house, buy a flat in Stellenbosch and have me live there. The plan has more to it and it basically boils down to me becoming self-sufficient. Well, considerably more self-sufficient than I am at the moment, at least. The speed at which this plan formed caught me slightly by surprised. My mother had set the wheels of this plan in motion this morning already. While I am very happy and excited about this prospect, I strain to reel myself in. I want to approach this matter as objectively as possibly. Just because I shall benefit from this plan, does not necessarily make it a “good plan” on the whole. However, I still find the “pro” column of the list of global implications of this plan to be much larger than the “con” column. While I am no financial expert, I believe properties in Stellenbosch generally only appreciate, so it seems like a sound investment. When I move out, the option remains to either rent out the flat, or sell it. There are lots of other details which I won't go into now, but it seems like this thing is going to happen. I can only pray that it will work out for the best for everyone.

On Saturday I finally moved into my new room in Stellenbosch. While I look forward to my stay there, it also has several drawbacks one simply cannot ignore. Luckily, I do not have a formal, written contract, so I can give notice and move out whenever I want to. But I don't think that this is going to happen soon; I think (and hope) that this real-estate transaction won't be completed for some months.

I feel very privileged, very blessed, very loved.

This morning I read an extract from an interview with Rick Warren. He said that life is not a series of hills and valleys, “ups and downs”, but rather a two way track. Wherever we are in our lives, there are always good things and bad things going on. Perhaps the bad overshadows the good or vice versa, but both are always present. When we are down, we must seek out the good and when we are happy, we must take caution of the lingering or looming bad. This point of view is by no means new, but it did get me thinking about this year. I have repeatedly labelled this year as a “bad” one, and will probably continue doing so for a long time. The academics were murder, I and problems with family and people close to me and a plethora of other things. But, I still “passed” a screening for depression. Simply filling out that form (I think I have previously mentioned that I was not impressed with that test, because it was obvious which answers would lead to which diagnosis) made me realize that I am still in a position where I can appreciate the good despite the bad. I know I'm loved, I know I have a purpose and I appreciate what and who I have in my life (now more so that a few months earlier, but that is a story for another day). I am blessed.

Baruch Ha Shem!

No Longer A Zimbabwean

2007-12-03T00:07:00.000+02:00

On Friday, after two years, I moved out of Zimbabwe flats on Stellenbosch. The deceptive feeling of having moved in “just the other day” is a harrowing reminder of the swift passage of time. That place saw some of the best and some of the worst of me, all within a total of less than 600 days. There were good times and some horribly bad times. But such is life! I close that chapter of my life only looking forward to new adventures, challenges and opportunities for growth.

I may have escaped Zimbabwe, but I am cautious to state that I have escaped all problems relating to electricity and running water. At least my experiences over the past two years have taught me to deal with them to a reasonable extent*.

I have moved out of the old place, but not into the new one yet – that is only going to happen next weekend. I am looking forward to settling into the new place, but I am going to have to make a few lifestyle adjustments to be able to cope with living in such a small place. But that is next year's worries; I am now back at home with my parents for the holidays. Early this week my brother and his wife will arrive from the UK to start their three month holiday. Everyone is looking forward to that. I have no special plans for the holiday: whenever I'm not going to be spending time with my family, I'll wing it.

I am still a prisoner of my year project. That feeling of guilt of not working on my project seems to have become a part of me. Much like a malignant growth. I doubt whether I'll be able to shake it off before the year's end, even though my promoter wants me to finish it now. A small problem is that I've lost a significant amount of motivation (I'm going to keep the reason for this as a surprise for later).

I have not yet heard from any of the places where I applied for part-time work for next year, but I'm still hoping to find something. I have decided not to work this December (even though I had a good opportunity), but I have landed a sweet job as a student assistant with the university for a short course (only a week) in January, which promises to pay very well.

* While there were some problems with the utilities, I must admit that I actually really enjoyed my stay in Zimbabwe. The flat was nice and spacious, it was very close to campus and, contrary to expectations, secure. I also had a great flatmate in my cousin. All-in-all, I'm very thankful for the opportunity to have been able to life there.

Not Quite Over

2007-11-16T10:13:00.000+02:00

The tenacious beast that is 2007 refuses to let go of me. On Monday I hand in my final assignment for the year, but I shall not be graduating in December. That is because, despite frantic efforts last week, I could not meet Wednesday's deadline for the year project. I shall now only be able to hand in in January, along with two-thirds of the Computer Science Honours students. That means we'll only graduate in March. I don't know why it happened, but the year caught us all off guard. I'm not too bummed out about it, though. If I had handed in on Wednesday, my project would have been rather poor. I now have a chance to significantly improve it. Even though it means working over the holidays, my report is already about 80%-90% complete.

I am already making the slow transition into “holiday mode”. I hope that, despite what all needs to be done in the year still, that I shall be able to channel my introspections to this site again. The past few weeks and months were emotionally, very challenging. I am happy to report that I have made significant progress with my turmoils, even though it might be too late for some things.

But right now I want to get away and feel human again. It has been a long journey, and I am nearly at the end. Baruch Ha Shem.

End-of-Honours Update

2007-10-30T09:56:00.000+02:00

Annoyingly, I lost the previous draft of this post when Compiz crashed. So lets try again.

There are now only two weeks left before my year project has to be handed in. I still have a lot of work to do, however. If I miss this deadline, I can hand it in at the beginning of next year. This will mean that I'll still be able to start my masters on time, but I'll only graduate in March and will have to work over this precious holiday. This is not ideal, so I'm going to try my best to finish in time. Listlessness, tiredness and other setbacks aren't helping, though. I found some new vigour this past weekend, so now I just need to build on that momentum (where have I heard that before?).

I feel like I am living in a time capsule: I am completely out of touch with what is going out there. Classes ended for the pre-graduates on Friday, but mine continues for two weeks still. Some of my friends are half-way with their exams, while others have finished theirs already. I only have one exam paper to write. Its either next week or the week after that; I keep forgetting. So, yeah, it feels like time is just zooming by. While a lot of work remains to be done, the idea of being done with honours in two weeks' time is very alluring.

Last week I had a meeting with an expert on autism and it appears as if this woman is going to be co-promoter for my master's degree. We are still trying to define a project, but some good ideas came out of there and I am excited about the possibilities. More on that story as it unfolds.

On a more personal note, I realized that I won't be able to afford the flat I am currently living in next year. This was a huge blow to me that came at a very inappropriate time. Luckily, two opportunities came to me and I simply had to choose between them. It was a difficult choice, though, because each place had its separate (pronounced) pros and cons. In the end the decision was made for me when the people who had the first option on the first place decided to take it. This wasn't too bad, because I was leaning towards choosing the second place anyway. So, about this new place: it is located far from campus (almost outside of town) in a nice, peaceful neighbourhood. It is only a single room (with a kitchen and bathroom – much like a granny flat) which, although it is very small, I think can still be quite cosy. The landlords seem nice and it looks like I'm not going to hear much from them. The main house has a pool which I have been told I may use. There is also a phone line (I'm hoping it's a DSL, but it probably isn't) and I'll have access to satellite TV. Last but not least, it is very, very affordable. I won't go into the cons of the place (at least, what I consider to be cons) and wont describe the other place I considered now, even though it is semi-interesting, because that place is completely the opposite of the one I am going to move it. Ah, yes, moving. I still have some logistics to sort out concerning the move. Ugh, to be able to feel human again...

Last week my cousin (with whom I am living in the flat) decided to install a new geyser here, as the old one was on its last legs. He is enough of a handy man to be able to do the job, but he has suffered several set backs. Last night he was nearly finished (in his words, there was only half-an-hours work left) when a flush of the toilet caused a pipe in the wall to burst. So today he has been fixing that and it looks like he still has another days' work left to do. Dear reader, please appreciate the miracle of running water. Also, if you are wondering why I didn't help, the reason is this: if I had helped, we probably would have worked on that thing a month. He was in control most of the time anyway, but I did hand him a spanner or something every now and then.

Now I have to go do the dishes. That is going to require boiling several kettles' of water again.

Middle October Already??

2007-10-11T00:29:00.000+02:00

The rapid passage of time is causing me sheer vertigo. I therefore resign from some insightful musing and will explain about the past couple of weeks. The biggest news is that I bought a new computer for myself. I suppose I didn't really need one as much as I tried to convince myself, but I have it now and I am proud of it. I am having a lot of problems with it, however. Its a 64-bit system, so I've been hunting high and low for appropriate operating systems (it is possible to install a 32-bit operating system on a 64-bit architecture, but then you don't get any of the benefits a 64-bit system has to offer). Windows Vista is rubbish. You might as well install Windows 95: just a little of the contemporary Windows programs will work on 95 as will on Vista, but 95 is much less annoying and doesn't hog so many system resources. I now finally have OpenSUSE 10.3 up and running, although I also had some problems with it (which I largely caused myself, I have to admit). I am now copying over the last of the data from the old machine unto the new one. Like I said, I have little complaints over my old computer, so I'm going to keep it around as a backup system and want to use it as a gateway if the need for one ever arises.

The whole new computer endeavour has cost be between one and two weeks. With pending projects and assignments, that is a major loss. I am not thrilled about it and am acutely aware of the problems I am causing myself and am really starting to tense up about it. A burst of productivity on Monday gave me some hope, but Tuesday and Wednesday's slacking dashed it again.

I still have to hear about what the situation is going to be with the flat next year. I also need to find time to complete my final bursary application, go job hunting and price hunting for my family's trip to the UK next year (yes, its official, we are FINALLY going).

I also was sick last week, but am pretty chuffed that I shook off the illness without any antibiotics. I just OD'd on vitamins and the like and took a break from exercising.

So much to do. I can get exciting about each of it, but with them being compounded like they are now, I find little enjoyment in anything except switching off from the world and seeking reclusion.

Its a mad dash to the finishing line now, but I'm still in the pit stop. :-/

The Ten O'clock News

2007-09-23T10:00:00.000+02:00

Ok, wow.

Its been a while since I've put up something here. A lot has happened. I'll try and cover as much ground as I can think of.

The biggest news is that I have effectively decided to start doing my Masters in Computer Science here at Stellenbosch next year. Many opportunities have come my way and a lot of things happened that "just made sense", so I really have to reign myself in to not simply jump on the first thing that comes my way. But, this is the current stand of things:

I have my lecturers' votes of confidence that I am "masters-material". While their opinion should be the last thing to consider yourself, it is good to have it.
I have accommodation for next year.
I am planning to get a part time job at Stellenbosch to enable me to become semi-self-sufficient.
While I am still looking around at topics for my Masters, I believe I have found what will interest me. It is going to be more practical than theoretical and will flow over into other fields of interest of mine.

I still say to people that I am only 95% decided on this. I suppose I am looking for someone to affirm this decision for me, which is ludicrous, because it is mine to make. I also suppose I am waiting for the lightning and the Voice from the Heavens to affirm or reject this plan of mine, but, alas, it is not in the thunder nor the storm that the Lord speaks to us through. I've laid out my plans to a couple of members of my family. While they did not give me the affirmation that I sought for, they also did not oppose my plans. What did happen, though, was that I seemed to take on a third-person perspective whilst stating my case in these instances. I observed myself making lucid and sound arguments and that made me feel good. My biggest fear is that I'll choose to take an academic path, because it is familiar and safe path. This would be opposed to something like going over seas to work there, which is completely unfamiliar (and scary) territory. I am afraid of the unknown. I don't want to make decisions out of fear. But I don't get the impression that I'm doing this out of fear: my arguments convince rather than justify. I believe that if you have to justify something for yourself, then you are probably on a path which isn't the correct one.

I do not expect to learn too much or gaining superpowers from doing my masters. Rather, I want to take the time to, in a sheltered environment, grow personally whilst working towards a higher qualification, which can only help me afterwards. I also want to use the time to network and meet new people: perhaps I'll find a place where I would want to work after graduation as opposed to having to stumble into the first thing I find that looks good.

So, yeah, I believe that I am decided.

Unfortunately all these thoughts on doing a master's degree did little to motivate me to work on my honours project over the past several weeks. If anything, I have been procrastinating like crazy. It's weird, because I am actually doing well in my other subjects, but seem to shy away from my project. When you actually sneak around the department to avoid facing your promotor, like I did last week, then you know you have a problem. I've now restarted my project efforts. I am going to have to work much smarter than I have been doing up until now. Unfortunately, at this late stage, working smart is going to be not substitute for working hard.

I had holidays two weeks ago. Not much to report on that, though. I did not work on my project: in stead, I spend a lot of time feeling guilty about not doing my project. Oh well.

My brother and his wife was back in the country for two weeks. The actually came to attend a conference which was hosted in Cape Town, but stayed on for a week after the conference as a mini holiday. Needless to say that it was great to see them again and I enjoyed the time we all spent together again. They left for the UK again yesterday, but will be back in December for a proper holiday.

I am also looking at buying a new computer for myself. I am completely giddy at the prospect, even though it is going to burn holes through my pockets right into my skin: the initial modest system which I planned has now been supplanted by one which is, well, less modest.

I have decided that I do not like Twenty20 cricket.

I have also noticed that I am getting myself involved in more and more side projects. While I think it is a healthy sign on my part, I must be careful to not spend too much time on these projects. Some of them are small things I tinker with, but others are growing into quite big ventures. The next few months are going to be interesting, I'm sure.

And so, that is all from the news at ten. Enjoy the rest of your evening: goodnight and good luck.

Ready? Gun!

2007-09-02T10:54:00.000+02:00

Ready? Gun!

A little over two years ago I set myself a goal: I want to one day run the Two Ocean's Marathon. My training in 2005 went well, but in 2006 I slipped up a bit. This year I started up again and today I took the first step towards reaching my goal. I ran my first official race: the OUTsurance KFM 94.5 Gunrun.

Well, to be honest, the Gunrun is actually 22km, but I only did the 10km route. Still, this was my first race and I completed it in 54:08, with which I am very chuffed! I think a larger number of people passed me than the number of people I passed, however. It was especially tricky at the start to not get caught up in the excitement and breaking my pace. But I held on and think it turned out quite well. But there is definitely an energy on race and you are able to push yourself harder than during training.

Currently, when I practise, I do a little less than 5km in a little more than 30 minutes, so my goal was to run 10km in under one hour. I was prepared to accept that this was a little ambitious, but finishing in under 55 minutes is really awesome! I won my first medal ever today and I am quite pleased by it.

At this stage I do not know what my next step is going to be. I'm going to keep on running, but I am going to make sure that I put in more training for my next race than I did for this one. But, for the rest of today at least, I am going to put my feet up and just be happy.

Periwinkle Mountains and otherwise Ember Clouds

2007-08-24T06:20:00.000+02:00

I love my country! Baruch Ha Shem!

Killing a Trend

2007-08-23T00:07:00.000+02:00

Over the past few weeks I've learned a few things. Not necessarily academic of nature, but still acquired knowledge of some sort. For instance, I learned that all South African universities access the Internet through TENET: the Tertiary Education Network (which is still run by South Africa's monopoly land-line operator, so I don't know why it needs a name all of its own). I also learned a little about something called Akamai and the Akamai-effect. The channels through which I learned about these things were less that flattering: the main source was an e-mail sent out by the university's IT department apologising for the slow Internet access and explaining that they are going to effectively ration the bandwidth. More precisely: they are putting “non-academic” Internet traffic on a lower priority than “academic” traffic.

What is Akamai? Well, I don't know exactly, but apparent it is an international initiative to reduce international academic Internet traffic by backing up such materials on vast amounts of local hard drives. This process is continuing and recent the load was unexpectedly shifted to South Africa. Not known for our vast amounts of bandwidth, we are now struggling to keep our heads above water. Still, IT's contingency plans seem to be working and they are promising us that everything will be over soon. We shall also be increasing the capacity of our line to the outside world. The problem is, however, that they have been promising these things for a couple of weeks now. But, hopefully everything will start to return to normal sometime next week.

Nearly everyone on campus is being affected by the Akamai-effect. This is directly related to the fact that the Stellenbosch Facebook network has more than 14000 members. Yes, Facebook sky rocketed here as well, but now people are unable to access Facebook, because it's popularity and non-academicness made it a prime candidate for low priority traffic. Subsequently, one's “Stellenbosch” contacts are have grown quiet, while one's news feed is populated by the going-ons of people who do not rely on a tertiary education institution for their Internet access. The Akamai-effect coincides with new measures by corporations and businesses in South Africa which also restricts their employee's access to Facebook. This is because Facebook's popularity has spilled over into the general population and these businesses are afraid their employees are wasting too much of their time (company time, as well can company bandwidth) on accessing this social utility. Indeed, even the newspapers are filled with idle speculation, warnings and examinations of this phenomenon and its impact on society. This is not bad for something which almost no-one here knew about eight months ago. Facebook's 500%+ growth since the beginning of the year is very visible here. Like many trends, I was sure it would go as quickly as it came, but the persisting lure of the website amazes me and seeing how other people react and interact to/with it, I started doubting if this was something that would simply blow over. But, with these new restrictions, I have to wonder if the restrictive pressures being exerted won't drive some people away, who will be the first ones to lead the exodus.

But it is not only Facebook that suffers. Oddly enough, Gmail traffic seems to be restricted. This is odd, because many lecturers I know have all their other e-mail accounts automatically forward e-mails to their Gmail accounts, so that they only have to keep tabs on one account. Some students do this as well, but over the past few weeks I've been having trouble with Gmail. Logging in might be fine, but the connection is dropped sporadically, which can wreak havoc on a Gtalk conversation. Subsequently, I don't even bother trying to log into Gtalk during the day anymore.

Something that amazes me about this whole things is how resilient and adaptive people can be. A while ago I was thinking about how, a few years ago, only a few of my friends had e-mail and non-technical people avoided computers when possible. Now, not only does everyone have e-mail, but they are also fanatically active on social networking sites, like Facebook. Even more than that: they are willing to graze the “technical side” of the Internet by using proxies and anonymous proxies to access Facebook. It really is fascinating to watch the subtle shift in attitudes and temperaments and the exorcism of fears of the technical and the unknown.

While being on Facebook won't turn you into a computer scientist, exposure to things like that will not only breed basic “technical” (survival) skills, but will also (hopefully) bring awareness and appreciation for those of us who are crazy enough to try and make a living out of things like that. I equate what is happening now to what happened in the 19th century when newspapers started publishing crossword puzzles and other “brain games”: the average person was given the opportunity to subtly broaden his or her word and number skills. These skills could then develop into something academic, assist the other skills or simply be passed on to the next generation. Young people are eager and willing to learn about new things, especially if they are useful or have some entertainment values. Play breeds skills, so to speak. If Generation Y can absorb so many skills and hone as many skills as they do, how astonishing won't the next generation be?

Baby, You Light My Fire

2007-08-09T02:46:00.000+02:00

First of all I want to thank all the women in my life who gave me a public holiday today! I appreciate it!! :-D

The public holiday was not pleasant for everyone, however. This morning, shortly before daybreak, there was a fire at one of the male residencies here at Stellenbosch. The roof of Eendrag caught fire and when it collapsed, the entire third floor was destroyed. The second and first floors sustained less damage, but no-one is moving back there again soon. There were no fatalities: only one person sustained serious neck injuries when he had to jump from the third floor to escape the flames (he slept through the fire alarm). A couple of other people also had minor injuries apart from those who where treated for smoke inhalation and shock.

The cause of the fire has not yet been officially determined, but preliminary evidence (and popular suspicion) is that the fire was caused by the negligence of one of the residents in his drunken state (because today is a public holiday, celebrations last night were wild). The blame for the extent of the devastation also lies with certain residents, as pulling the fire alarm as a prank was a common occurrence for years. Subsequently, the fire department (which is ironically extremely close to Eendrag), refused to respond to the fire alarm unless campus security confirmed an emergency.

I hope that the lessons learned today will stay with the other people in residencies for a very long time: fire alarms are not toys and pranks calls should be ground for expulsion, in my humble opinion (placement in residencies are highly sought after and being accepted is a privilege, not a right). But, the future is not now: now Stellenbosch has more than 200 people without a home. I suspect most people can go home and the ones I know certainly have other accommodation, but they still lost most things: text books, class notes, electronic equipment, clothes and other personal objects. The destruction is really phenomenal. I have not yet had a look around inside myself, but the entire ordeal is reminiscent of the time Aurora's residence burned down not long before we move away. Fire is a very powerful force.

Rock Meet Hard Place

2007-08-05T02:08:00.000+02:00

Contrary to what some people might believe, I like to on time for appointments and to maximise the time I spend on whatever has my attention at the moment. This means that I tend to get irritated when people are spurring me on to “get ready” half an hour before we have to leave if it will take me only ten minutes to get ready. I'll acknowledge that sometimes I am aloof (or simply lazy) and then I end up being late. But I fundamentally believe that if people work hard and appropriately, then there is little need for long stretches of preparation.

I am currently facing an irksome problem. For the first time in my life, I have to make a major decision about my life all on my own. The truth is that, up till now, I have been merely “riding the wave”. As my cousin once summed the situation up rather accurately: in our family, it is not a question of whether you are going to university or not, but what you are going to study there. Some people think such expectations should not exist automatically. But, I have been very fortunate in the sense that I always wanted a tertiary education (needless to say that prior education was not considered optional). When I stood on the edge of the nest after highschool, I had an intuitive sense of the direction I wanted to go in to. When the kick came, I haphazardly fluttered into the nearest and safest haven. The instiution and course where I ended up in is not necessarily the best, but, four years down the line, I have little regrets and am thankful to my teachers and peers for the experiences of this time.

Now, for the first time, I have to choose a direction which is not intuitive or otherwise clearly marked. I have to sink or swim. I have to choose between the devil and the deep blue sea. The problem is: I don't know which one is which.

The question is a simple one: continue with my studies and do my Masters in Computer Science, or leave academia and venture into the real world. Each one has considerable ups and downs. Further study is a “safe” option: I am the first to acknowledge that it is simply a mechanism whereby real decision making is put on hold. It is safe, but is going to cost a lot of time and money. When I emerge, on the other side, I shall have a much steeper debt to pay off, but over a longer period. If I enter the workforce, the clock immediately starts ticking, for I have a limited window wherein to repay my study loan. I shall also, in a very short time, have to acquire a staggering amount of technical and life skills. That option is further complicated by having to decide on staying here (in the Cape) or going to work abroad.

And I have to make this decision now. Requests for certain bursaries are already no longer accepted and companies want prospecting employees to apply for jobs now. Now! How can anyone expect me to make such decisions now?? The second semester has only just started and I am knee deep *cough* in my year project! This is a bad time to be asking me to make this decision.

Of course, this is also not something anyone else can help me with. Those who have ventured to comment on my future have given conflicting views: I should study as much as I can (MSc AND PhD) and so increase my worth (which makes me sound like a prize sheep). I should also leave academia and enter the job market as soon as possible, because the need for expertise exists now. Even within my own family I get mixed signals.

On the one hand I doubt my own abilities to survive in the real world. I also worry about not meeting expectations, whether they be my own or other people's. On the other hand, I have always said that I would like to do my masters. But, I can't keep on studying and hiding behind the books forever.

And at the root of it all is my great fear again: being alone and making these decisions on my own. Who knows how this decision will impact seemingly unrelated areas of my life? I am a poor gambler; firstly because I tend to always loose my money, but secondly because I don't like significant risks.

The main characteristic of early adulthood is, contrary to what one expects before reaching that point in life, uncertainty. During infancy, childhood and puberty, life is a rich display of fragrances, sounds and colours. Everything is new and must be fearlessly explored. When you enter adulthood, however, you are seemingly hit with blindness. You reach a point where you have to stand still and calm down. Only with thoughtful consideration and training of the other senses do you again build a map of what is going on around you. This map must last you (and your potential partner and offspring) for the rest of your life, for you will never regain the same level of sensory acuity you had before.

GeekDinner - July 2007

2007-07-27T07:02:00.000+02:00

Last night I attended my very first GeekDinner. A GeekDinner is exactly what the name implies: a bunch of self-proclaimed geeks getting together to share good food, drink, company and fun, but also to meet new and interesting (of varying degrees of geekiness) people and to network.

Last night we all assembled at Krugmann's Grill in the V&A Waterfront. Tania, winterkindt, and I went together and drove from Stellenbosch. I was pleasantly surprised by the relaxed atmosphere and the friendliness and openness of the people there. Everywhere you could make out people telling geeky jokes and showing off gadgets like new cellphones: the type of things which mostly only geeks can appreciate. We chose a table at the back of the room, mistakenly thinking that it was actually the front, but we still had good company at our table. A few people who had confirmed did not show up, which was a shame. I urge people to not forget about this event: the people don't bite and are really all very friendly. :-)

The food was great and some of the presentations were really insightful. Attending a geek dinner is not only fun, but can also be useful and practical. But apart from that, there appears to be this amazing energy of goodwill and cooperation which not only makes a GeekDinner possible in the first place, but also sustains it through the night and long after when everyone has gone home.

Sin and the Nature of Man (Part 1)

2007-07-21T09:59:00.000+02:00

Part I: Destiny

This is a first instalment of what I intend to be a three-part series on my opinions, views and beliefs regarding sin and man's interactions and perceptions of it. What I am writing is going to mostly be from personal experience and observation and will not have been thoroughly researched. All views expressed here are personal. You have been warned.

Because the concept of “sin” in intimately related to the concept of religion, I feel that I must, for the benefit of those who do not know or are uncertain about this, first briefly state what my religion is. I am a Christian, brought up in a Calvinist* denomination and environment, al be it with many secular influences. That is to say, I believe in the Holy Trinity of God (Ha Shem), the Holy Ghost (Ruach ha Kadosh) and Jesus Christ (Yeshua ha Mosiach). I have, however, removed myself from mainstream Christianity (as most people would know it), preferring rather the idea of Messianic Judaism.

For my introduction, I shall share with you my view on fate, destiny and free-will. This view is based on a particular definition of sin, namely the Greek word for it as used by Paul in the New Testament**. In the New Testament, Paul uses the word harmatia to mean “sin”. Literally, it means “missing the target”, as in the sense of archery or shooting. This piece of trivia in itself is not so interesting as in its interpretation. For me, at least, it describes a dualism whereby the world takes its course. The definition implies that there is some target (something you are destined to achieve) and that every action and decision you make is a shot at the target. A shot either hits or misses. A shot hits or misses not by chance, but through deliberation. Every miss removes you further from achieving your target (destiny). A single hit does not fore fill your destiny: a series of correct choices are needed for that. You may have multiple destinies in your life. Indeed, a destiny need not necessarily be some grand apex in your life, but it can be ordinary, mundane and everyday. To me, a destiny is what Ha Shem has planned for your life, big or small. If everyone lives by what is Intended for them, the world would be an exceedingly happy happy place.

But, just as the atheists and agnostics start to object to the notion of being “ruled over” and deprived of a self-will, we come the the flip-side of the dualism. When romantic Westerners speak of destiny, they believe it is some divine plan that will come to pass, bar all opposition. Hence we have notions such as “soul mates” and the like. While I believe that a destiny is necessarily a divine plan, I by no means believe that it will necessarily come to pass. This is exactly because humans have been imbued with free-will. The story of Adam and Eve applies to every single human being on every single day.

Adam and Eve were placed in the paradise of Eden. They lived happy lives, provided that they keep one simple rule. This was the Will of Ha Shem for them. It was their destiny. But by their actions they chose to forsake their destiny, and were subsequently punished. What makes us human is the ability of free choice. Without that, we are merely puppets. If we had no free will, then Ha Shem could simply have set up a pantomime whereby everyone lived happily every after. Why this is not so, I do not know. And what this train of thought implies for Heaven, I also do not know. All I know is that I sit here now, safe and sheltered, but outside the world is a sick and twisted place, despite scarce miracles and positive actions of profound faith. Humans are much more in control of their lives than most would care (or dare) to admit. Everything boils down to choice. Sin. Repentance. Penance. Faith.

So how do we know what is right and wrong so that we may make the choices that will lead us to our destiny? I do not know. If I find out, I promise I shall tell you. But, if it was possible to always clearly distinguish between right and wrong, would our lives not transform into that pantomime I was speaking about? Perhaps the answers to our moral dilemmas must rather come from within ourselves. Perhaps that is the ultimate goal of our lives: for us to reach a level of self-awareness which is so fine tuned that we can foresee the consequences of our actions within a Bigger Plan. I believe that, for Ha Shem, every situation has a right and a wrong outcome, no matter how morally grey the situation may seem to us.

If you look at things this way, you come to the realisation that either our nature adapts to our actions, or our actions adapt to our nature. Put another way, we are controlled by our habits, but also have the capacity to change our habits. It all depends on which choices you exercise. We also find that choosing not to make a choice is in itself a choice. Usually it is not a constructive one.

Before the coming of the Messiah, sin was largely defined by actions relative to a fixed set of rules. For the most part, one could look to the Law of Moses for guidance. This law is, however, insufficient to bring a person to his or her destiny. This is because it is possible to adhere to a set of rules without having love and compassion for others. Also, repentance of the transgression of these laws were difficult. Yeshua ha Mosiach came to teach us that we must listen more closely to find our destiny. That is why we need the Ruach ha Kadosh in our lives. The laws do not fall away, but they are no longer the major (only) indicator of how one should spend your life.

So what is sin? Sin is our actions and inactions which keep us from reaching Ha Shem's Will for our lives. This is not merely macroscopic, but rather boils down to the simplest of things in life: your relationship with your family and friends, your personal well-being, both physical and mental. Your happiness and prosperity. Our destiny (or, rather, destinies), is not some finish line we hope to someday cross (or, if we fail through sin, a race we drop out of). Rather, our destiny is fore filled or not on the day which we die. When we die, we are no longer able to make choices. A person's life will be judge on the choices that person made. Because a person may at any time choose to become attuned to Ha Shem's Message, I am led to believe that his Plan for us is not a static, but changes so that none of our failings are too great to ruin is Plan.

Many times people ask questions about specific moral issues which provides its own answer. These people would like to believe one side of the argument, but the fact that they ask the question means that they doubt themselves when they behave as they would like to believe is correct. If you have to justify something too much, especially towards yourself, you need to consider whether your motifs are pure or not. This point needs a post (or maybe even a book) of its own, but I hope that what I said will help someone somewhere. Learn to listen to Ha Shem. He speaks not in the thunder or the rain, not the hurricane or tornado nor the earthquake, but in the gentle breeze which hardly moves the leafs on the trees.

We can never rid ourselves 100% of sin, but we can choose to walk a path whereby sin will not mean our downfall and whereby we are not ruled by it. The next part in this series will look at the role of sin in the lives of certain prominent Biblical figures.

* Calvinism in South Africa is “purer” than European Calvinism. By “purer”, I mean that the fundamental teachings, beliefs and practises of Calvinism in South Africa resemble more closely those of Calvinism in its original form. This is because we were mostly shielded from the so called Enlightenment of the 19th century.
** There is actually another word which Paul uses: paraptoma, which means “transgression”.

Mr. Handy

2007-07-18T01:10:00.000+02:00

When I just tried to turn on my laptop, I got nothing. Well, it started up, but did not boot up. Something like that gives a person a terribly ominous feeling. Stuff break from time to time, and if it is electronic, it opens up a black-hole which sucks in your time and money. (The black-hole analogy is not a very good one, because whatever opens up also expels a lot of stress and distress.) I then proceeded to do the normal preliminary (and superficial) fixes: I reseated the RAM (this is a powerful fix), I took out the hard drive and put it back in again and finally I cleared some dust from the fan. Still nothing. I then proceeded to the next stage (usually the stages are reversed, but in expensive things like laptops, you want to save this one for number two): I hit the laptop on a few strategic places. Still nothing: it turns on, but the screen remains blank and the keyboard is unresponsive. Defeated, I turned the laptop on its side and let if fall between my hands for a few times for no particular reason. I shall call this stage three, because even though it is still quite clearly stage two, the manner it which I proceeded was much gentler. When I turned the laptop on after that, it worked.

I have fixed many things by just hitting it in the right place. People don't always believe me, but it works. I acknowledge that it is not the best way to generally solve problems, but if I had done all the trouble to take the laptop back to the shop (assuming it is still under warranty), Murphy's Law dictates that the laptop would have behaved when they turned it on, but go blank again after I grudgingly (al be it falsely relieved) returned home. It is all about applying the correct tools and techniques to a particular problem.

On a related note, when I then next turned on my desktop computer, I got a message telling me that booting into Windows failed and that I must reinstall the corrupted file (which probably would have boiled down to reinstalling the entire operating system). Had I listened like a good little dog, I would have lost a lot of time and would probably have become more negative and agitated for the duration of the day. A simple reboot fixed the problem. It seems that the gremlins are afoot again today.

Please note: the information supplied in this post is purely informational and meant for entertainment. No opinion expressed here should be substituted for the opinion of diagnosis of a professional technician, unless you have sound reason to believe that the technician in question is a thieving opportunist and jerk and/or an idiot.

Gone. Forgotten?

2007-07-08T06:56:00.000+02:00

Today my parents and I went to visit my grandmother in the nursing home at Langebaan. When we received a call on Thursday tellings us that she has lung infection, we decided to go visit. My grandmother suffers from dementia/Alzheimer's Disease and has deteriorated (mentally and, as we saw today, physically) dramatically since the beginning of the year. I had not seen her in more than six months and, to my shame, tried to avoid seeing her. But I felt it was time and today we prepared ourselves and journeyed along the West Coast to her new home.

At the beginning of the year, it was still possible to have an intelligible conversation with my grandmother, even though she had been showing mental deterioration for quite some time. Within the first half of this year, she crashed (for a lack of a better word) completely. I could see her in her bed as we walked down the hall, and at first I didn't want to believe what I saw. She was thin, frail and looking bewildered. I don't know if they had recently given her her medication or what, but it was especially difficult to communicate with her. The nurse said that today was one of her worse days. Her speech was inaudible and incomplete. She looked confused and indecisive. We later took her out in a wheelchair and my mother gave her some tea. After that we could understand more words (“thank you” and “please” - she said “please” a few times, but could not communicate to us what she wanted or needed). We stayed for a couple of hours, then came home.

I didn't expect her to recognise me. She doesn't even recognise her own children anymore. But there was hope. She looked at me a few times – perhaps she did remember me. Or, after my mother told her my name, my name rang a bell with her (I am my grandfather's namesake). She kept fidgeting: the nursing staff said she is always fidgeting with her hands. At one time it looked like she was trying to get the “flowers” (the patterns) out from her duvet. She also once tried to give me either her duvet or something “in” it (before she went to the nursing home, she gave away many of her possessions without thinking twice about it – she would have given away everything if we didn't stop her). Some people might say that her eyes were vacant. They were different, but I don't think they were vacant. They were searching – looking for a way to express her basic needs and requirements. And her emotions. They were searching desperately; but in vain. All I could do was smile at her to at least be a friendly face to her.

People say she is like a child. I hate that simile, especially when the one nurse treated her like a child to try and get her to wave us off. Yes, she did wave by herself with the encouragement, but I found the tone of the nurses' voice demeaning. She is not a child; alas, her situation is vastly more complex than that of a child. A child grows every day and becomes stronger and smarter. Every new word learned is an opportunity for expressing him or herself. A child literally absorbs knowledge like a sponge. With my grandmother, the opposite happens: every day sees memories and skills forgotten. Every word that slips from her mind closes off a near infinite number of ways of communication. I fear the skills and expertise are not available to her to combat the regression. I do not believe, however, that the picture that is her mind is gone. In stead, it lies jumbled in a thousand pieces like a jigsaw puzzle. The picture is still there amongst all the pieces, but making sense of it is so, so hard.

Today was a double whammy for me. Not only did I have to see my grandmother in her diminished state for the first time, but I also had to see my mother see her. My mother has lost her mother, even though she is still there. I can't imagine it – I can't. My mother's tears are rare and priced more than saffron. She has carried more weight in her lifetime than was necessary. And still she carries on. She keeps fighting and moving on, no matter how difficult or trying times are. Even when the world crushes her, she can still take on the needs of a loved one. I admire her greatly for that. Atlas doesn't have a thing on her. Not only does she have to deal with the world and the family's woes, but her mind also taunts her that she might very well one day end up like my grandmother.

My grandmother was a good person and deserves the best. She deserves care, respect and rest. She led a good life and I am proud of her. I am glad that I went today. I don't know if I shall ever see her again.

Holiday Update

2007-06-29T09:35:00.000+02:00

I am now in the fourth week of my holiday and have passed the half-way mark. Thus far my holiday has been a mixture of loafing about and working on my honours year project. The project is coming along nicely, albeit a little slow. I had another meeting with my project coordinator today and, for the first time since I've started working on the project seriously, I know where I am going and have an idea of how to get there. Hopefully this structure will serve as another motivator. The plan is for me to continue working on what I am busy with at the moment and expand on what I have. By the end of the holiday, this work should be done to the degree where my work could almost conceivably be implemented in real-world situations. When the second semester starts, the honours students must give presentations on their progress. By then I should have enough concrete results and planning done to receive an acceptable (hopefully positive) response. I shall then spend the bulk of the second semester working on the second phase of my project, which will stand apart from the first phase. Hopefully I'll have enough time at the end of the semester to tie up all the loose ends and round everything off nicely. Somewhere in between I also hope to weave in a little theoretical work.

The truth is, however, that I am not over-working myself. I am becoming dangerously lazy, with the past few days being of particular concern. But I feel that I am technically on holiday and I am trying to catch up on some relaxation for the sake of my sanity. I do want to do well in my project, however. This is not just because it is an integral part of my honours course, but because I have now received my semester marks (unofficially), and they are all favourable. I waited a long time to find out what my last subject's mark is, but was nearly blown away when I found out how much I had attained. I was hoping to at least barely pass (although failing was a distinct possibility), but thankfully received more than that. I know feel that I have a solid foundation to build on for the rest of the year. Also, because I passed all four my subjects, I only have to take two in the second semester. While I doubt that this will mean that I shall only have half the work, I am hoping to apply much better planning and time management in the second semester. It is still going to be tough, but I believe I shall be better prepared for the second round.

My greatest failing this holiday thus far has been the sorting out of the issues which have accumulated over the year. I have done some introspection and discovered a few things about myself, but more work still needs to be done. I am uncertain how to get out it, however: there does not appear to be a switch which can simply be flipped to fix me. But I also don't want a long, drawn out recovery. That is why I am very careful in my search for someone to help me: I don't trust just anyone and measure people who can potentially help me against a very high standard. I like to think that I am making slow progress, but something happened two nights ago which caused me to regress a bit. I feel very frail and vulnerable.

Die Berg

2007-06-12T11:02:00.000+02:00

Ek slaan my oë op na die berge. Waarvandaan sal my hulp kom? My hulp kom van Ha Shem af, wat die hemel en die aarde gemaak het. Hy sal my nie laat struikel nie. Ek slaan my oë op na die berg. Dit is dieselfde berg wat ek ditself in die see laat probeer gooi. Ek probeer en ek probeer totdat ek plat teen die grond lê: bloed vorm op my voorkop en loop teen my wange af. My eie vingers deurboor my handpalms. My tande kners. Ek lê en ek snik, maar steeds bly die berg staan. Dan besef ek die redes waarom die berg bly staan. Indien die berg in die see sou verdwyn, sou ek spyt kry, want dit gee aan my gemoedsrus. Ek sal spyt wees dat ek 'n vinger teen Ha Shem se skepping gelig het. Dan, daar waar ek lê, raak ek aan die slaap. Nooit koud, nooit nat en nooit honger nie. Ek slaap onrustig; wanneer sal ék iemand teen die berg op lei? Wanneer sal ek iemand na die beloofde land lei? Of selfs na 'n bord kos en 'n kombers? Waarom is ek 'n skaap? Hoe lank gaan die Skaapwagter se geduld nog met my hou?

Baruch Ha Shem Yeshua Ha Mosiach. Amen.

Preliminary Thoughts on Fear

2007-06-12T03:47:00.000+02:00

I've been thinking about fear lately. What is it? It is one of those things that, if someone asks me to define it, I'd get pretty frustrated, because it is an emotion so fundamental to any human being that it transcends dictionary or any definitions. Even though everyone understands fear intuitively, I want to strive to understand it on a different level. I haven't done a deep study or anything, but my journey did start with dictionary definitions. In one way, they all sufficed in describing what fear it. But they don't explain it, just describe it. I then turned to encyclopaedias, but gained few new insights. It is difficult to describe how I felt when I read all this. I want to call it clinical, but not because it is clean and precise, but because it is cold and impersonal.

At this point I should probably explain that I am looking for a particular explanation of fear: the cause of fear. The dictionaries and encyclopaedias all explain this well: it is a survival mechanism. Some examples: "feeling of great worry or anxiety caused by the knowledge of danger." - http://dictionary.reference.com/help/kdict.html. "a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid." - http://dictionary.reference.com/help/luna.html. "an emotion experienced in anticipation of some specific pain or danger (usually accompanied by a desire to flee or fight)" - http://dictionary.reference.com/help/wn.html. But, for my needs, they do not sufficiently describe all the causes of fear.

I am now going to try and explain the cause of fear as I understand it using analogies from nature. It is going to be overly-simplistic, but bare with me. If a hungry lion approaches an antelope and the antelope shows no fear, it will get eaten. To retain its life, an antelope must necessarily fear a hungry lion. Retaining its life serves a dual purpose. Firstly, death is never a pleasant consideration. Secondly, if all antelope are to throw away their lives because they are fearless, the species would die out. Then the lions would die out (if this fearless trend continues in their other prey) and then the planet would become an exceedingly lonely place. A consequence of fear hungry lions is that you inherently learn to fear lions, whether they are hungry (that is to say, a threat) or not.

Humans learned to fear for the same reason. We also once walked among the lions. We may not have been their favourite food, but we would have sufficed if nothing else were available (lions aren't too picky). So, I understand what fear is and where it comes from when you take that perspective. It also explains phobias: although planes crash relatively infrequently, for example, flying still carries a risk to one's life. Hence the fear of flying. Of course, once some sort of fear has taken root inside of you, it can lead to all sort of destructive, unhealthy and obsessive behaviour. Fear can thus lead to other emotional problems.

At this point it would be worth mentioning that not all fear is bad. As mentioned, fear keeps you alive in the animal kingdom. The same goes for humans. I believe fear is very much akin to stress in its role in a person's life. Stress, in moderation, serves as a motivator. Without it, people tend to procrastinate. Of course, too much stress can negatively impact your health. It can even kill you. Hence it is necessary to strike a balance and manage your stress. The same goes for fear: we need it, but if we allow ourselves to be controlled by it, it will destroy us.

But there is still one aspect of fear which I do not understand. I don't quite know what to call it, because "irrational" does not seem appropriate: even irrational fears can have valid causes. Let me explain with another example: a person who wishes to ask someone out, but is afraid to. Afraid. Fear. Why? Off the top of my head, I would say fear of rejection. Fear of rejection? How threatening is that? How does rejection kill and devour you? The best I can do is to conclude that the fear of rejection is fallout from another root cause of emotional problems: low self-esteem.

Having reached this point, I find myself at an impasse. I have not recently pondered the intricacies of low self-esteem as I have with fear. But I am not equipped to answer the resulting questions. Are all of these "deeper fears" a consequence of other factors?

What are my fears? Fear of failure. Fear of being alone. Are they necessarily rational? Are they necessarily bad? Do they stem from some other emotional problem? I have never really planned any step of my life. Like many people, I suppose, I have simply drifted from one expectation to the next. While some people rebel against this notion of a "pre-determined" life, I don't. I recognise the potential comfort it can bring. I see it as the most direct (and safest) route to what I want. I want to be a good citizen, a provider, a lover, a teacher, a husband, a father and a builder. Is it way too early to be so concerned, so obsessed, with these things? I don't know. No-one knows. There is no recipe. No set course, no matter how ideal or well thought out a "pre-destined" life is.

I am afraid that my fears will lead me to make incorrect decisions in my life. Fear does breed fear, it seems.

I am terrified by the prospect of perhaps one day learning that these things which I have mentioned are not destined for me. The fear is nauseating. Paralysing. When I speak of things which are destined or not destined, I am not talking about failure or low self-esteem.

UPDATE: 2007/06/12 19:43

I completely over-looked the fact that humans are social creatures! This adds yet another dimension to the discussion. Is the thought of seperation and of loneliness (in the extreme - a perceived result of rejection in a social context) so terrifying for some people that it is comparable to death?

Save the Cheerleader

2007-06-04T10:19:00.000+02:00

Making good on an important promise I made myself earlier in the quarter, I recently took the first steps to try and sort out my problems which have been compounding over the year thus far. While there is still no “formal” structure in place, and I still have to very long way to go, I am positive and hopeful. I received some positive reinforcement, but also some cold hard truths. It is time for my feet to touch the ground again and for me to make my way around the coming bend.

I knew that I would not have received instructions on how to solve specific problems plaguing me. I suppose I still hoped that could happen, but that would have been an easy way out. There is nothing easy about what I am going through, but that is the point. The point is to make it through hard times and to learn from the experience. Anyway, I in stead gained a broad, new, perspective on where I am and what needs to be done. That is the way it should be, but I still don't know what lies ahead of me. That is scary, but I am no longer afraid. Well, maybe I am: fear seems to be a big role player in my problems. But I want to get through this. I no longer want to be a slave to jealousy and obsession.

I find myself in a precarious position at the moment. Inherently, I want to help people. I've know this for a long while, but sometimes it is less obvious (or the need is less strong). The fact remains that, in more than 10 years, I've been unable to become (and, at least, remain) completely apathetic about the situations of the people around me. Up until now, 2007 has been a very difficult and trying time for the most people I know. In fact, almost everyone around me seems tired and, to a greater or lesser degree, in pain. The recent perspectives I gained has endowed me with some vigour. I now look around me and I see the weariness and pain of people. I want to do something. I want to help. There are a couple of problems with this desire, however. Firstly, I am not professionally trained to help people. Pleasant words and pep talks only bring you so far. I recently came to the chilling realisation that the things I told someone may not necessarily have been helpful, despite how nice and idealistic it sounded. Secondly, how can I help other people while I am still broken myself? Do I put everything (read: everyone) on hold while I sort out my own problems? Or do I proceed cautiously as far as I know I can take someone?

I know I am not suppose to save the world. Indeed, I am probably sounding very egotistical to some readers at the moment. I am not saying I am the only one who can help the people around me. But I know something is wrong with certain people. I just can't ignore it. If I can't ignore it, what can I do? What options are available to me if I can't stand to doing nothing?

One Giant Leap Forwards, One Step Taken Back

2007-05-30T09:54:00.000+02:00

Today I wrote my final exam. Yes, I finished hectically early and loving it! While I wasn't very happy with how I wrote, nothing beats being finished. It is like experience a tiny earthquake that everyone else is oblivious to. You walk down the street and you feel physically lighter. You can look at the usual strangers you pass in the street and you can smile. Life does indeed go on and suddenly, for the first time in a long time, you feel part of it. I've been taking it peacefully since I finished: I'm trying to stretch the afterglow for as long as I can.

A brief recap of how my exam went: this exam was certainly the strangest I ever had. The uniqueness of it all started a few weeks ago we I learned that I did not need to write an exam for one of my courses. This was a welcome first. But, as the lecturer said, it was deserved. So I actually started my exam last Friday with Algorithms. Knowing it was half open book and half closed book and being lazy, it was awkward to prepare for. Still, I managed a fair amount of preparation. Unfortunately the papers did not justify the studying: I was very easy and, indeed, laughable. It is shocking that such a paper was given to honours students. Still, we don't complain: we worked hard and welcomed the downhill run to the finish line. On the other side of the weekend, however, lay a completely different experience: Graph Theory. The lecturer is strict. His strictness is always justifiable, however, but the fact remains that it is very difficult to fool him into believing that you know something you actually don't know. I probably didn't prepare enough, but I did have an exam on the Friday. The paper was pleasant, but in the end I can't make any predictions: it can go either way. 50/50. So we'll see. Today I ended with Concurrency I, which saw another first: a 5 hour take home exam. I again had inadequate preparation, but I wasn't the only one who was unhappy with how he wrote. Today's exam is thus another wildcard, but I currently (and understandably) don't care. I'm done. There were also other types of weirdness in the exam. I don't want to cause any problems, but let us just say that after this exam, I can say that I wrote an exam together with other people without us having any supervision. I don't believe there was any foul play, so I guess it doesn't matter.

So ends the first semester of my honours year. It has been both gruelling and fleeting. I am not going to elaborate on any of these two characterisations at this time. I just glad to have the four weights of my subjects off my shoulders. I can relax for a tiny bit. Yes, my holiday is two months longs (yes, I said two, not one), but I am going to have to put in serious work on my currently non-existing year project. I think I'll start with some sleep.

Yesterday I went to see my one lecturer, who is also my project leader. We talked for a while and I now have some quasi-structure to motivate me. Afterwards I decided to go visit a friend for a coffee. I didn't quite expect what I found when I arrived. My friend has told me on Friday that one of her house mates are very sick and that I should pray for her. I didn't know any details, but did so in good faith. Upon arrival at the house yesterday, I was greeted with the news that that particular house mate had died on Sunday night. Meningitis. The visit wasn't exactly light-hearted, but I stayed for a couple of hours longer than I intended: no-one really wanted to be alone or be studying. I never met the girl, but even I have been effected by the news: especially after talking with my friend and seeing how they are dealing with it. It later turned out that my mother knew the girl's mother. Small world. My mom insisted that I go get preventative medication at the hospital, but they didn't feel it was necessary.

I'm planning on going home on Friday and then returning around Tuesday before going back “permanently” next weekend. To be honest, I think this holiday is going to have a lot of pain and agony in it for me. I have some difficult issues to deal with and less time than I would like to believe. But at least I have some time to deal with it. Time has become a precious, precious commodity. How did we get here? How did we wind up this way? Why can't I stop, even if I know I really need it?

Week in Review

2007-05-20T10:16:00.000+02:00

Very briefly:

I got a new bed! I finally got fed up for the pieces of sponge I was sleeping on an brought over a new bed and a new mattress from home. It is awesome :-D

Unfortunately I got to spend a lot of time in/on my new bed, as I was sick this week :-( Flu, I suspect, but also something in the throat. Anyway, I'm not 100% yet, but I am much, much better now.

Because of my illness, I was suppose to have lots of time to start studying in a warm, cozy environment. Unfortunately things don't always go as we plan it and I still have to start serious studying.

Went home again this weekend. Been doing so for a few weekends in a row now. I feel I need it: to be taken care of for a day or two. It really is nice. I won't be able to go next weekend, however, because I have a test on Friday and next Monday (that is why I went this weekend). I'm kind of nervous about the upcoming tests/exams... We'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Winter is here in full swing. I have to say, I am enjoying the weather: the rain on the roof, the hail against the windscreen, the grey clouds in the sky... every season has a purpose.

Two-Face

2007-05-06T04:29:00.000+02:00

Two-Face was never my favourite villian. Well, are you suppose to have a favourite villian? I think mine is Enigma (I am now, of course, only speaking of the Batman villians). But I did like Two-Face's habit of flipping his coin to decide what to do in a situation.

My car, my poor car has become two-faced. Litterally. When you look at my car from the passanger side, it looks near perfect. There is but one tiny dent caused by someone in a neighbouring parking space opening their door, but that may have been there since before I got my car. When you walk around, however, you find a very, very different view. It started two years ago when I “lost” the strip1 that runs over the bottom of the driver's door. It might have simple fallen off, but I believe someone actually stole it. The reason for this theory is that it is extremely hard to find parts for the model of my car, hence none of what I mention here has been fixed or replaced. Then, last year someone stole my rear right hubcap (this was actually stolen). The hubcaps are cheap plastic covers, but they are much better to look at than the wheels' bolts. So now I am missing one strip and one hubcap, all on the same side of the car. But the most notable disfiguration happened last year: some (prosumable drunken) idiot rammed into my car where it was parked on the side of the road. I still don't know how it happened, because it must have been quite a feat to actually hit my car at that particular angle. Not only was the driver's door now missing a strip, but it had huge, ugly dent in it. We tried to get the door fixed, but the panelbeaters said that, if they simple knocked out the dent, the door would lose its structural integrity and be quite useless in protecting me if someone drove into the driver's door. They said they would try to find a new door, but once again the search came to nought. The latest tragedy for my car happened yesterday: I was in a hurry and forget to clear a beam when reversing out of my parking spot. That crunching sound of metal on metal is horrible. I caused a significant in the bodywork right above the front right wheel. It was so bad that the tire hit against dented-in bodywork whenever I when over or through a bump. Of course this had to change, so I just bent (“butchered” would probably be a better word) the dent out a bit with a wrench. It wasn't pretty, but we can't afford to go to panelbeaters at this time.

*Sighs and rubs temples* This is the umpteenth thing that has gone wrong with my car in the past half a year. The following has also happened:

The fanbelt broke. As the fanbelt was disintegrating, it sounded like a flail tearing up my engine. This happened right before New Year, so I wasn't just a matter of going to the nearest shop and buying a new one.
After that my car had a service. This isn't a problem in itself, but one would expect that they would do a full check-up of your car and catch potential problems, right? Read on.
After the service I was told I needed a new CV joint. I wasn't happy with a noise from the wheels after that job, but I continue on.
Some time later my car suffered a complete loss of engine power. The problem? I need a new top gasket. Ouch. My car is still trying to recover some of the power (I'm told it takes a while).
A while ago I started to notice a burning smell in the car (I also noticed steam coming out from underneath the bonnet, but apparently that was something unrelated). It turned out that I needed a new clutch disk. $$$ bye bye bye.

The only saving grace is that we are on pretty good terms with our mechanic. So, if the car breaks in Bellville it is much better than breaking in Stellenbosch. Apart from all this, on both occations that I was forced to borrow my dad's car, my dad's car broke down in my hands. It wasn't my fault, mind you: my dad's car isn't exactly well kept.

I just don't have the strength, patience and understanding to deal with all these problems. Please, please, please let everything just be over now...

The Problem with Watching too much Dr. Phil

2007-05-02T04:59:00.000+02:00

This week I suffered (am suffering?) an emotional breakdown¹. I am not going to go into the details of the causes and the effects thereof. This is the second one this year. I had one near the end of the second year at university and I recall that I had one during high school (in 2000, I think). It is therefore not something that I am use to or which I might consider “normal”. The thing is that this year has been pretty rough. The interesting thing is that it is rough for most people I know; both friends and family (for different reasons, obviously). I still think that I am taking it relatively hard, though. I am not, however, saying my burdens are the heaviest - not by a long shot! But here I sit, tired and defeated.

I recognised that I had a seriously problem yesterday. The symptoms had been there, however, since the day before that. I've been trying to sort things out myself and I've been better-and-worse for most of the time since then. Spending time talking with people or in their company helps. Unfortunately my cousin is away for the week, so when I'm at the flat I am left alone with my thoughts. The prognosis is unclear, but I think it might clear up as the tomorrow will get under way. The effect has been that I will probably fail the current due assignment: it is not finished and I simply can't bring myself to work on it for more than a few minutes at a time.

I use to watch a lot of Dr. Phil. I don't do that any more, but drawing on the advice he gave people and other bits and pieces of advice and wisdom you pick up throughout the course of your life, you start to feel like you can help yourself. Fix yourself. I know what I would say to someone if they were going through a rough and dark patch in their lives. And I know that it is true. But it still doesn't help much. You can't fix yourself alone. I think I'm going to start the process of getting some help. For me it is, however, not a simple matter of seeking out a shrink: there are people whom I have to consult about this first. I don't know what is going to happen down the road or how far I am going to get in this resolve, but continuing on like this is no life. I want my life back. After 16 years of conformation, I think I need a change.

Here we are. The year is fleeting past, but it is not halfway yet. I still believe the year can turn around 180º. I am starting to wonder, however, whether this year could still actually be better than the last. For that to happen, something amazing has to happen in the course of the next seven months. But I am not going to spend my time wondering about that. I am here right now: the future only stretches as far as the next assignment hand-in and past... the past is a ghost. You don't know when it will pass through you, leave you with chills or haunt you. No, the past is not a ghost: the past can provide comfort, pleasant memories and security as well. But there is a reason I chose the ghost analogy.

¹ This is not a medical term and does not have a strict, formal definition. The severity of what I experienced may be different from what you might assume.

The “Other” Website

2007-04-28T08:13:00.000+02:00

As I might have mentioned previously, I have been suckered in Facebook. It swept (is still sweeping?) through the University of Stellenbosch like a wild fire. For some reason it just appeals to people. Of course there has been some debate about its pros and cons. I now distinguish between “friends” and “Facebook friends”, but to me it is not such a big deal. I don't think anyone takes it very seriously. Some people might spend way more time on Facebook than others, but still don't take it as seriously as real-life. Maybe the sheer amount of time some people spend on there is what the real concern is. I'm not sure. There has been some debate as to what Facebook is doing to our perceptions of a “friend”, but, at the very least, I think it is good to know that people whom you haven't seen in ages still remember you and will still risk association with you. “Friendship” might be too strong a word to describe your relationship with these people, but at least there was a friendship once (well, sometimes, at least) and I think people want to cling to that idea and the good associations that might come from that.

So I find myself taking part in Facebook activities: writing on walls, making bulletin board posts, sending private messages (even though private messages simply are glorified round-about e-mails, but for some inexplicable reason they are much more effective than e-mails) and poking people (Tania, daar is 'n verskil tussen 'n “poke” en 'n “nudge” en ek glo nie die e.g. is 'n Americanism per se nie). Typing up some longish message one day made me wonder why I was doing so much there while this poor website is falling to piece. I would like to categorically state that, long after Facebook has passed into obscurity, I still plan to continue with this website. This website gives a much deeper insight into who I am than my Facebook profile and therefore makes it much more important. I have reoccurring desires to finish the website, which is slightly annoying, because I have been talking about it for nearly a year now. Progress looks good, though, and because this website has become a hobby, there is no real rush.

One thing that has surprised me about Facebook is how much you learn about people by reading just a view compulsory profile items: religious views, relationship status, basic interests etc. Again, you should know these things about your friends, but many times things like “religion” simply doesn't come up when you talk with friends, even if you've know them for some time. Are there things which we do not want to talk about, no matter how fundamental or important, simply because we wish to avoid conflict? That is another, long, topic...

Not having an internet connection at the flat is a mixed blessing. When I need to confer with friends on an assignment or research some topic, it is very annoying not having a net connection. But being “disconnected” (that is not technically true, because I connect to the web through my phone quite a lot during the day) has its own advantages. One of them is that I am not on Facebook at the moment, which gives me some time for another guilt post (I don't really have the time, but I'm anyway not going to be working on my assignment tonight, so I might as well do something semi-constructive).

Let me start by explaining why I joined Facebook: a girl at Stellenbosch decided to organise our own Assassins game. In order to take part, you had to sign up for Facebook, because all the administration was being done through it. I signed up in the previous quarter and the first game started this quarter. I was really looking forward to it and even bought a super soaker for effect. On the day the game officially started I set about tracking my target for immediate assassination. It was very difficult to find any information about him on-line and I literally only had scraps to go one. I tried tracking him through five departments before seeing him walk down the hall of his actual department. He moved to open a door; I grabbed his arm and squirted him with my “backup” weapon, but in the process he had moved into a computer lab, which was a safe zone. I was now in quite a predicament, because my hard-to-find target now knew what I looked like. There was only one way in and out of the lab, so I decided to wait for him. Super soaker ready, I ended up waiting for two and a half hours in a cold hallway for him to come out. I'm not going to go into the details, but I eventually got him, but I also got thrown out of the department because I was “running and squirting water in the hallway”. Two days later, with only one kill under the belt, I was assassinated. It was fun enough while it lasted, but I realised that I had been taking things a bit too seriously. It is nice to be moving around outside again without being completely paranoid.

Only later did it occur to me that people were a bit more jumpy than usual because of the Virginia Tech massacre (we got assigned our targets on the day of the massacre and the game started two days later). This has sparked an on-going debate as to whether any future games should be approved (and possibly, to an extent, regulated) by the university. My antics in that hallway also apparent prompted the department (faculty?) to consider beefing up security, because it turned out that I was waiting outside the head of the department's office the whole time. I am going to explain this again for what its worth. I was not unchallenged the whole time: a professor did question me and effectively approved my presence there. I am not a criminal :-/ .

As an “outside observer”, one thing that ticked me off about the news developments about the Virginia Tech massacre was that it immediately re-sparked the gun-control debate. Yes, I think gun-control should be stricter in America (possibly regulated by the federal government?), but not so much as in South Africa. But my point is that, to me, it seems like this tragedy is being used for political purposes. Political opportunists jumped on the news to reinforce their position. This was obviously going to happen, but couldn't people have waited for a couple of weeks? It seems like some people are arguing about politics while they should be mourning. And the fact remains: if someone wants to commit a massacre, they will do so regardless of the level of gun-control there is.

The rain has started in the Cape. Yesterday was perhaps our first day of near-continual rain with even a bout of hail and thunder to complete the “warm and dry inside”-feeling (yesterday was a public holiday, so I doubt too many people went outside). Autumn is peaking and it seems like people are welcoming the change: not because the summer was necessarily too hot, but simply for the sake of change. One thing is true: it is beautiful outside, even when it seems dull and grey.

Today I had a fantastic brunch which was hosted by a friend who is turning 30 soon. It was a first for me (I couldn't even attend my own brother's 30th celebrations), but very pleasant. A wide variety of people (specifically age-wise) attended and observing them was like comparing my peers with what the future inevitably holds. I am not going to comment on this now, but just like a year's seasons are inevitable, so are peoples' seasons: you might enjoy where you are now, but there will be change and you will go with it. And quite possibly you will be happy about it and enjoy it.

Answer me these questions three

2007-04-15T11:51:00.000+02:00

Recent observations in social trends and the attitudes people I meet have led me to pose these three open questions to those floating about aimlessly in cyberspace:

Why do people not ensure that they always have prepair airtime on their cellphone?
Why is liberalism necessarily "good" and conservatism is necessarily "bad"?
What are the fundamental teachings of the growing "It's Complicated" religion?

I ask the last one not because I wish to convert, but because I would like to be able to partake in, say, casual dinnertime conversations about it.

Crisp Biting

2007-04-12T00:25:00.000+02:00

The winter has officially arrived. It is not so much the two days of on-and-off rain we had: rather it is the distinctive biting of a cold wind which gets at you right through your clothes and crawls under your skin. The sun is shining at the moment, but it is losing the battle against the frosty chill. Nothing remains of the summer save for the obligation to reflect on it and consider what passed by and was missed out on.

I'm being a bit lazy at the moment. I don't know whether I'm still in holiday mode or if its something else. I feel more relaxed and the outlook for the quarter is pretty pleasing at the moment.

Guilt Post

2007-04-10T01:48:00.000+02:00

Yes, I am still alive. Yes, I have been meaning to put up a post for the whole week. No, this is not it.

In a nutshell: I've had a week's break this past week, but tomorrow (that is, today) I return to university. No, I haven't started on my year project yet as I had so dutifully promised. Am I drowning? Not quite. I just try to be human at the cost of work.

My brother and his wife arrived back in SA Saturday before last. They'll be here for this week still. It has been incredibally awesome to see them - I just wish there was more time and that I didn't have some sort of project or what not constantly nagging in the back of my head. No rest for the weary, right?

I'll try and put up something decent another time. Not only am I busy yet listless, but I think I've also hit a spot of writer's block. Think now is a good time for me to just not talk about what is going on around me. Or what I am seeing going on.

Meh.

Guarding Against Strong Language

2007-03-21T11:44:00.000+02:00

Today is National Human Rights Day. I don't know what that exactly means, but for me it implies a day of no classes. Some people might find my apathy towards our national holidays (and many other things), shocking, but I simply don't have the time at the moment to stay up to date with current affairs, let alone celebrations.

The past few weeks (going on months) have been pretty hectic for me, as is evident from my recent posts. Lately, my thoughts have cycled between literally just three things. Two of these I have discussed here, but at this stage I do not want to elaborate on any of them. All I want to say is that I am tired of feeling stressed, depressed and any other negative -sseds. I'm ready for a change.

The rest of this week is going to be pretty hectic, but I am not going to bore you with the details. I am, however, looking forward to the two weeks that follow this one. I shall be making a concerted effort start reclaiming what I feel is a bit of lost humanity. Because of the hectic time I've been having, I've been denying myself fun, enjoyment and relaxation. I've always been spurring myself on to reach the next milestone and the next. Joy has become a forbidden pleasure, much as with the case of someone grieving over the loss of a loved one. Always being shown perspective, however, I must at this stage say that someone I know recently lost his father. Again, as with one and a half year ago, perspective is thrust into my face. While I do have problems, other people have more of them. Or to a much more serious degree, at least. Change is natural and we must adapt ourselves to it. When things get tough, we need to get tougher. Of course there is a limit to everything, but it is our duty to drive ourselves (without compromising ourselves) until the current crises have passed.

Being careful of not wishing for something perhaps forbidden, I want to take things easy for a bit after this week. I am really looking forward to some of the things to come, including, among other things, a visit from a brother and his wife that was recently announced.

If attitude can change fortunes, sign me up.

Last week my aunt stayed with my cousin and I at the flat, because she was participating in a series of choir performances. It was strange having a third person in the flat, al be it family. The addition of a woman into a guy's flat also brought about noticeable, yet welcome, changes. However, that was only for a few days and now I find myself alone in the flat for days at time: since my cousin acquired his new laptop, he has sprouted wings and are no longer bound by our lovely university town... Anyway, it's weird having him seemingly disappear on a whim – he has obviously had enough of studying.

UPDATE: 2007-04-24

Wisdom for the day: "The Key is not to prioritise what's on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities."

Stuck in Time?

2007-03-13T01:08:00.000+02:00

Michelle has moved on.

... There is so much I could say now. No, no more snide remarks. No more attempts are hurting or getting a skew word in sideways. No more dirty tricks or trying to induce guilt. There is just the emptiness. I have to move on as well.

Depro

2007-03-11T01:37:00.000+02:00

I have a strong suspicion that I am suffering from mild depression. Depression is a strong word and should not be thrown around lightly (as is common practise), but my mood and demeanour seems to indicate that something is wrong. The why and how is easy: I've been under near constant stress since university started, I'm dealing with the aftermath of a breakup and there are also some other stuff going on at home. I feel trapped by work and become lonely very easily. I have also found that I tend to be resentful towards people who are having a good time or, indeed, have the luxury of time to relax and enjoy themselves. Most of my relaxation these days are passive: simply not doing work (as opposed to actively doing something to relax).

Despite this I do recognise that I have, in many ways, been fortunate thus far: every time things have been really bleak, I've been able to pull through one way or the other. Five weeks in and I am still taking four subjects (although I was very close to dropping one on Friday – in fact, as I walked into the lecturer's office to “quit”, she said she was typing up an e-mail to give us all extension for the assignment). I'm not suffering a full blown depression: I still open the curtains in the morning (unless a very hot day has been forecast) and getting up in the morning isn't more of a mission than it usually is. Its just living under all these irks that is slowly getting to me. My attitude is also more apprehensive and aggressive (towards the sources of my woes) than, for example, pessimistic and suicidal (I'm not that far gone yet by a long shot).

End of the Month

2007-03-03T10:37:00.000+02:00

Its half-past ten on a Saturday night and I am typing up e-mails, blog posts and reports for university. Luckily my lack of social involvement and apparent disinterest in the lunar eclipse can all be explained by the same phenomenon: the driving rain crashing down on the roofs can cars outside. Yes, summer has passed (according to the calender) and we are being reminded of that in a spectacular manner. All the “winter” people (who apparently, these days, seem to be everyone) are rejoicing now. But, knowing the tenacity of South African seasons, summer isn't down and out yet: we're likely to still have a few weeks of fun sun.

So, February is on its back... and not a moment too soon! It should be no surprise that I didn't exactly have a great month: honours (to which I've been looking forward to for some time) started with a bang and I'm pretty sure it has the means to kill me still... also, and not in the least, was my breakup with Michelle. I'm still recovering from that, but we have re-established communication, so hopefully we can now start building towards a friendship. February also saw me encounter more car trouble than I would have cared for. I also watched the month (and, indeed thus far, this year) take its toll on my mother: she has been having a rough time of late.

Looking forward, I see things only getting worse over the next month or three. Whether it will lighten up after that is anyone's guess. In the mean time we'll just have to make do and try to keep our heads above water.

There is still time for this to be better than the last.

My Breakup

2007-02-22T11:39:00.000+02:00

Tonight Michelle and I broke up.

I would be lying if I said I hadn't seen it coming for something, but it still was a heart-wrenching thing to go through. While we promised each other before that we would not take bitterness and recentness away from a breakup, it still isn't something you can just take in your stride and continue as normal. I do hope, however, that, soon enough, we shall be able to be comfortable with each other enough again to be good friends. I owe much to her and I shall never forget her, so I am not about to give up on everything.

Right now, however... I have many songs in my playlist to listen to.

My Project

2007-02-19T00:12:00.000+02:00

I've been working too hard the past couple of weeks. I'm stressed – I don't think I have ever been stressed in February. The work is interesting and sometimes fun, but its simply too much. But, heading into week three, it seems as if I'm still keeping everything reasonably together. Things are just going to keep getting more hectic for a while longer, but I just have to get into the groove of things. In the meantime, though, idle relaxation and social activity are going to be heavily impacted. But that is simply the price you have to pay for living the glamorous life of a computer scientist!

An important part of doing your honours is your year project. The exact shape and extent of this project varies from department to department, but at the Computer Science department at Stellenbosch, its a rather big project involving programming, theoretical research and a gruelling presentation of all the fruits of your labour at the end. The also prefer something “new” or reasonably “wow”, even at honours level, so I think the bar is set fairly high. I've been thinking of the project since even before the holidays started, but it was only today that a choice was made. It came down the a good friend of mine and me being interested in the exact same two topics. It was difficult to choose (for several reasons) and we stopped right before actually flipping a coin (I was already generating random number ons my laptop), but in the end we managed to each select just one. I wish him all the luck with his project and that he will not only be successful, but also enjoy the process thoroughly.

I ended up choosing a project that involves implementing Thompson's algorithm for matching regular expressions (which is much faster than the conventionally used algorithms). The project scope, however, has to be larger than that, but it is still unclear what lies beyond it. That is the con of this choice: the project hasn't been fully defined yet. It also involves much more theoretical research than the alternate choice, but I'm just going to have to buckle up. This may not be an overly “wow” project, but I think that it can be fun. But that all lies in the future still: I don't know how soon I'll actually be able to start working on it.

Pillage!

2007-02-10T11:53:00.000+02:00

After her condition has deteriorated significantly over the past few weeks, my grandmother has been moved into a nursing home in Langebaan. A few weeks back she was in the hospital and has now been removed from her home: I think these two trauma's, coupled, are responsible for the extend of her deterioration. Her memory has regressed tremendously, virtually taking her back to her childhood. Still, some days are better than others and we'll have to see whether, once she has gotten use to her new surroundings, she will show a slight improvement. But, needless to say, this is very hard on the whole family.

Yesterday my folks left to go help clean out my grandmother's house. Her pension alone isn't enough to pay for the nursing home, so it is necessary to rent out her house. This cleaning out is, however, her final and complete eviction from the home where she vowed she would live until she died (its also where my grandfather died). What she can't keep at the nursing home is to be either being divided between the children or sold. When I first heard of this, the word “pillage” immediately came to mind. But, of course, the booty of sentimental objects and useful utensils and knick-knacks can't conceivable compensate for the heart-wrenching sight of watching your mother or grandmother's mind whither away from her. This is the biggest of the stresses my mother is going through at the moment. This whole situation has both strengthened and weakened the relationships between some of the children (and sometimes their spouses). It is a terrible thing that has come across our paths, but what can you do?

I myself will benefit from this pillaging. I'll get mostly cutlery and glasses (what I asked for), but also reminders and memories from my grandfather and, by extension, my grandparents in happier days when “everything would just be alright”. After all the throwing away and handouts my grandmother has already done, there wasn't much left in the house anyway. But there are still a few objects of great sentimental value left. I'm actually a real softie, so it isn't hard to find something for me to be sentimental about. I believe it is important, because I must never forget those happier, innocent days... before I grew up.

MTBS Revisited

2007-02-10T11:20:00.000+02:00

The week has been ok, but the past 24 hours were tough. The week had mostly been introductions and admin. Because of that, I only received assignments for half of my classes and if I put two and two together, then this is going to be a trying semester. But, I haven't lost hope yet and I'll have a clearer picture of how things are going to be in two or three week's time. I've already missed out on my first choice for a year project, but I still have several options in front of me. I might get something similar to my first choice (I am, however, not going to get my hopes up). There are also two other projects that have caught my attention, but, just my luck, neither of them are fully defined. In the one I have to think of my own contribution to a larger project and in the other the specified work itself is unlikely to be sufficient to pass: I'm going to have to add my “own flavour”. So, essentially, I'm back where I was when I was trying to think of my own project during December. I'll toy around with a few ideas and read some of the literature I've been referred to, but I'll wait it out this week still and see what happens. After that, I'm going to start to get anxious.

I have Fridays off. I would have had been completely free on Fridays had I not signed up to demi for Computer Science 2. I was angry at myself for not doing the obvious thing and checking when the tuts are scheduled, but afterwards I thought it would be good to have an incentive to not have every weekend become a long weekend. Besides, I need the money. But, anyway, I have Friday mornings off and I decided to go to Bellville to watch the opening of the MTBS. MTBS is an inter-schools sporting (athletics) event that can compete with any intervarsity in South Africa. The name is an acronym with each letter representing a participating school: Malan (D.F. Malan High School, my alma mater), Tygerberg (Tygerberg High School), Bellville (Bellville High School) and Stellenberg (Stellenberg High School). While the main attraction is suppose to be the athletics, the supporting role of the students on the pavilion have become renowned and inspiring. While the medleys and flashes can't compete with what you'll likely find in, say, China, on a local level it is impressive to see the synchronisation and enthusiasm of the students. Apart from the usual cheering and recital of age-old medleys during the day, each school opens the day with a big, themed, medley, complete with flashes. When I was in school, I was on the pavilion for three years and worked on the 'technical' team (the team responsible for creating the flashes and making sure everyone knows what they are suppose to do) for the last two. No matter how corny you think the whole thing is, how hot you get on the pavilion or how many times you doubt yourself: when you see everything come together, you get chills down your spine.

First up was Stellenberg. While I was at school, there were considered the biggest competition. I liked their opening, but it was a bit long and became tedious towards then end. Bellville was also doing alright, but their theme (“Lion”) meant that they included that horrible song Leeuloop in their medley: immediate disqualification as far as I was concerned. Tygerberg was less than impressive, to say the least. Finally it was DF's turn. They really did a good number: they had very good flashes and it seemed like the old spark was back. They did also, however, make the most mistakes of all the schools. So, in the end, it was overall the same old story as I was use to during my years of participation. Later the afternoon, while I was demi-ing, my friend let me know that we had won both the athletics and the cheering trophy! I am sufficiently proud and I hope that the student will continue the year on this high note.

In other news, my car broke down on Thursday. I'm still waiting to hear whats wrong and how long its going to take to fix it. In the mean time, to my great shame, I have to use my dad's car (its an old BMW). I should be thankful, really, but I'm still anxious to get my Jetta back.

Calling the messiah

2007-02-05T11:01:00.000+02:00

One of the traditional prayers Jews say during Pesach (Passover) calls for the Mosiach (Messiah) to come to Earth and set the Jewish people free. I start with this statement, because I wish to draw a parallel between the Jewish and Afrikaner peoples. Eventually I want to come to a point which is being widely debated in South Africa at the moment – something that is already old news to many people, but, after still being hounded and dogged by debate, I feel obliged to throw in my two cents' worth.

Especially during the apex of Afrikaner nationalism, Afrikaners to a large degree considered themselves to be God's chosen people. To this effect, quite a few times similarities have been pointed out between the Hebrew and Afrikaner peoples. The Jews, for example, had their great exodus where they escaped enslavement by the Egyptians and many Afrikaners moved away from the Cape Colony (which was by then British) in search of freedom (called The Great Trek). (These parallels are ironic to a large degree, because there have always been traces, sometimes strong, of anti-Semitism among the Afrikaners and in the years leading up to and during the Second World War, several right-wing organisations appeared that bore a striking resemblance to the Nazi party. There aren't very many Jews in South Africa, though.) Another example was the battle of Bloedrivier (Blood River) where a small group of Boers faced total annihilation by a large swarm of Zulu warriors. They prayed to God for deliverance and promised, should they survive, that that day, 16 December, would forever by treated as a sabbath day (Sondag) by them and their children and their children's children (today 16 December is celebrated as “Day of Reconciliation” in South Africa, but the media recently report that there is an increasing number of, especially young Afrikaners, who continue or return to commemorating “Day of the Covenant”, or “Geloftedag”, as has been done since 1838). On that day, less than 500 Boers successfully defended their laager against more than 10000 Zulu's. 3000 Zulu's were killed (the Ncome river turned red from all the blood, hence the name) and only three Boers were wounded. This crushing victory has, since then, reinforced the idea of a “chosen people”. Also, most Afrikaners are Reformed Christians (Calvinistic), which could also have been a contributing factor in various ways.

Since the Groot Trek, much has happened to the Afrikaner nation: they had their own Republics, they lost their freedom to the British, they partially regained it, they established themselves as the ruling minority (protected by Apartheid) and finally democratically lost control of the country to the black majority in the country. The reached several peaks of independence, self-sustainment and innovation, but have also slipped into pessimism, self-pity and apathy. During the years following the dismantling of Apartheid, many stepped aside (or simply fled) and let this new chapter in history take it's course. Affirmative action was inevitable and while people weren't happy about being fired or not hired in favour of a less skilled, non-white person, they understood it was a course that this country was taking and, perhaps, needed to take. Perhaps some people felt guilty, but we all hoped forgiveness would come soon and the promised utopia lay just beyond the bend.

During the past holiday, a few of us went out on my uncle's boat to enjoy a sunny Christmas day before lunch was served. My cousin was at the helm and some music was playing over the newly installed radio in the boat. Our tastes in music isn't particularly close, so I ignored it, but one Afrikaans song caught my attention: it was about Koos de la Rey, a Boer general during Anglo-Boer war. The song was calling De La Rey to come and free the Afrikaner people. I actually haven't heard the song since, but it has grown phenomenally popular. My cousin was wearing a t-shirt that day that looked like the old South African flag (die “oranje-blanje-blou”) and, with this song playing in the background, I started to think about this picture: I'm witnessing a little piece of Afrikaner nationalism revival. It was ironic for me, however, because my cousin was only two years old when we adopted the new flag, so he has never seen it flown in official office (as opposed to me who, at the age of seven, stood proudly and patriotically to attention during assemblies – oblivious to the major changes that were going on and the looming transition). So why was he concerned with all this Afrikaner nationalism? I waved it off as particular brand of small West Coast town influences on an impressionable youth. But, with all this business of the old flag showing up at sporting events (Update on that post: they tracked down the black man who was wearing the old flag over his shoulders. He was completely amazed that it had caused such a stir, but said he did it to show that he holds no grudges and has forgives, accepted and moved on.) has me, and other people, thinking: is there some sort of neo-Afrikanerism brewing? Not necessarily one with the same right-wing ideals as in past, but at least one of unity and strength: people are tired of being discriminated against and ignored. The new generation of Afrikaners is moving into the work place. I am part of that generation and we were either very young during the transition or do not remember it at all. We had not taken part in Apartheid and had no say about it. We grew up in a democracy and were thought equality and respect. While there is still, as far as I am concerned, a clear distinction between how the people of my age and the people three or more years younger than me view/approach the social changes brought about in the New South Africa, we are, for the most part, innocent and want to get on with our lives. We do not wish to pay for the sins of our fathers and do not feel responsibility for Apartheid. I think neo-Afrikanerism is more about the plea of being accepted as Africans, as opposed to more right-wing views, but I might be wrong. I don't know, but each time Bok van Blerk's song plays, people are calling for deliverance form their worries and sorrows.

So, who is this icons, this leader people are calling for? No-one knows. Perhaps they aren't calling for a leader, but just harking back to the days of proud and strong defiance against oppression. I wouldn't be surprised if, much of the time, the song's audience is intoxicated to a degree where they cannot make rational political decisions, but lets consider the sober people looking for a leader that will guide them into this new millennium. There is a problem. My grandfather use to tell me that one of the problems with the Afrikaners is that they do not stick together. Why were there two Boer republics? Some people wanted to stay and do things one way and others wanted to continue and do things another way. Differences of opinion also hampered the Boers during the war, but it is unlikely that they would have won were things different in that respect. I have heard it been told a few times, jokingly, that if one Afrikaner differs in opinion from another, he turns around and establishes his own political party and church so things could be done this way. Traditionally, there has always been a lack of cohesion. I don't know why this is. Maybe it is normal in any and all nations. Maybe it is normal in a nation that is made up of people who ultimately come from different roots.

De la Rey, do not return to these boers. You rest in peace; they seek a leader, but what they must find is the courage to shake off their negativity and apathy. Our guidance can not only come from (our) history, but must also come from (contemporary) innovation. Those that haven't done so must accept the current political situation and adapt to, not only survive, but thrive. We must stop running away and laying the blame on others. But, then again, if one does change all these ways, are they still an Afrikaner then?

Besides, don't we already have our Messiah?

First Day in Review

2007-02-05T10:15:00.000+02:00

Wel, my first academic day back at university has passed and much has changed without really improving my situation much. I had a slow start to the day, because our information session for Computer Science was only at 11:00. So I took to have my laptop registered at the IT department and loitered for a bit. Shortly before 11:00, however, I learned that the first part of the first Graph Theory was at 09:00 this morning. Great, I missed my first class. The worst thing was that I still don't know if I want to do it or, at that stage, if I need special permission to take it. It turned out I don't need special permission and I attended the second part of the class at 14:00. It was a nice class, but when we got our first week's assignment, I realised that I was still in holiday mood and suddenly wished that honours involved much more osmosis. Anyway, I haven't taken that work out yet and I don't feel much motivation, because, like I said, I'm still only taking it tentatively. At the moment I'm considering taking it as a seventh (extra) module so I have something to fall back on if I fail something else or wish to lessen the work load for the second semester. But, if one of the CS modules I'm considering doesn't strike a cord with me, I might just drop that for Graph Theory. Decision pending.

The CS introduction bore very few revelations, but I think I've managed to decide on at least three modules to take this semester. I shall be trying them out this week at then re-evaluate my decisions. The newer proposals for year projects are generally more appealing and, if I don't snooze-and-loose, I might end up with something I could get excited about right off the bat.

In the week that I have been back here, I have heard quite a few American accents on campus – it's very odd.

First Week Back In Review

2007-02-02T10:50:00.000+02:00

So comes to an end my first week back at Stellenbosch and it has been very relaxed and pleasant (mostly), but more about all that in just a bit.

I'm writing this post under openSUSE 10.2 which I finally managed to get hold of this week. It's been a bumpy introduction, but by the end I'm impressed enough by it to be a convert. It seems to have good hardware support, it has a nice graphical layout and, more importantly, came with just about everything I wanted (with the exception of Webmin, bochs, nasm et al). It is more “hand's on” where configuration scripts are concerned. For example, after I installed Apache, I still had to set it up and tweak the configuration scripts to my needs. The Mandriva team seems to have put more trouble into their scripts, but then, that might just be me.

But, anyway, this all means that I can now do proper work on the new site again. Classes are starting next week, however, so I don't know when I shall start this work again and once again any form schedule or deadline has gone out of the window. All this project needs is a budget, which would inevidably be too small, and then it would be a real programming exercise!

Now on to more important matters. I arrived on Monday evening and spent much of the following three days visiting and catching up with friends, which was really nice. On Wednesday we had our registration which was a tad less painful than usual. I am now registered for my honours in B.Sc. Computer Science. On Monday we shall be having an information session about the modules available and then choose six of them. At the moment I really want to take Graph Theory, which is offered by the Applied Mathematics department (we are allow to take up to two modules from a “relevant/related” department), but I still have some choices to make there and I might need to take a coin with me when I go choose my courses. I also today found out that the Computer Science department will not be offering the artificial intelligence course this year, which leaves me with another vacancy to fill – it might even lead to a nasty dilemma. Another thorny issue is choosing a main project for this year. I was glad to find out today that we probably don't have all the options concerning the available projects at this point in time. I saw a couple of options today that could be interesting (none of the others interest me), but, again, I have to weigh up a few options. I shouldn't take too long, however, because I wouldn't want my choices grabbed out from underneath me. You may also propose your own project, but I spend a long time this holiday racking my brain trying to think of one, but its difficult to propose an honours project, because everything I think of is either too easy or too hard or too impractical/irrelevant.

Last night was “Vensters”, which is an evening of shows up on by the first years of the residencies. It was nice (relatively) and my evening was only spoiled by a ... well, the girl was only trying to do her job, but I am surprised at how what that girl said took me aback. It spoiled the rest of my evening, but that's in the past now. The arrival of the first years was the same as usual and the town was abuzz this week with the little critters running around and people running after them trying to give them tours and information and indoctrination and who knows what else. In a few weeks things will be back to normal. I'll probably miss most of the commotion after classes start, however, because, like for the rest of the year, I'll be cooped up in the Engineering building. We'll, I probably won't, but my classes certainly won't be taking me anywhere else any more.

I'm going home tomorrow: I have to go pick up some things I need and had forgotten there and visit with some friends. I also think my mom has had a though week, so maybe me being there will help a little (due to the nature of the troubles).

Sparrows has found a new flat in the same complex as I am in, so we are going to be almost-neighbours. Funny how things turn out.

Of Blood and Love and More

2007-01-22T00:57:00.000+02:00

If you are looking for a glimpse of the “African Experience”, go see Blood Diamond. Anachronisms (and DiCaprio's accent) aside, it was, in my opinion, a good movie. Another white-South Africans-are-bad-guys Hollywood production, but I can live with it.

My soirée Saturday was very nice, even though in the end we were less than a dozen people all together. There were a couple of misunderstandings between the management and I, but in the end everyone seemed to have enjoyed it, and that is all that counts. Thanks to everyone who attended! I also learned then that a friend of mine and his girlfriend had gotten engaged on the 12th. Needless to say I was quite a shock for me, but I am happy for them and I wish JJ and his fiancé all the best and a wealth of happiness!

On Sunday evening Michelle left for home and now every is quiet and ordinary again. It was weird, but still very sad. I have this feeling many important things have gone unsaid from both of us thus far, but we are going to have to address it soon enough.

I'm thinking about returning to Stellenbosch around about next Monday. Before then I might go to the J&B met. I have never been to it before and I should be quite and experience! My brother always tried to go when they were here... I just hope I survive being between all the high society!

I suppose my work for 2007 also has to start tomorrow.

The Novelty of Being 21 is Starting to Wear Off

2007-01-18T11:23:00.000+02:00

Tomorrow is going to be my birthday! Yay for me! I just get excited about it. Things are a bit strange at the moment and I am looking forward to “my” day. Things are a bit weird between Michelle and I, from both sides I think. Also, there is some tension at home: my mom has been having a terribly awful week. Things aren't going well with my gran either and she has had a bad setback. But though it all I push through on my own mission and lost in my own little universe as always.

On Saturday I'm going to be hosting a party at Cubaña in Bellville. It could be really nice: I really like the atmosphere of Cubaña and they serve great drinks. But, I won't say dealing with the manager has been all pleasant and there won't be too many people as everyone seems to be busy right before/after their return to university. But we'll see, right? My chips are still on having great fun. A girl I study with might also come who is also having her birthday tomorrow, so if that happens it would be really cool.

Michelle hasn't been feeling too well of late and its sort of been putting a damp on going out in the day. I don't blame her though: I have been very tired the past few days myself, which means I'm not the best company to have. My tiredness worries me, because I have not yet found a cause for it.

But, tomorrow that will all melt away and it will simply be a fabulous day!

Oh, one more thing: as a birthday gift to myself, I've registered a new domain name. www.august-inspiration.co.za now directs to this website. I hope that is easier to remember and that it will spare everyone the trauma of remember a new address in the event of a server change or something. So, please use this address to link to this site as the idea of registering it is to have it as a “stable” address. I wanted to put up what I have of the new site tomorrow, but I simply can't at the moment. I hope to be able to do that before the end of the holiday.

The sky is beautiful tonight: sickly orange-red lights reflect down from the cloud-padded ceiling that covers the sleeping city. It was this same glow that caused me so much stress that first night after we had moved to the city. My, how we change.

Filler Title

2007-01-11T08:14:00.000+02:00

Summer continues to slowly roll over us as part of the big wheel-o-seasons. As everything winds up again after the holiday season, I find myself turning to more relaxation. I guess you could consider the work I did on the website as “work” (even though it is just a hobby), but the website has been temporarily shelved until I can get OpenSuSe 10.2 (the new Mandriva is just rubbish). Until further notice I'm spending time with Michelle and playing Medieval II: Total War. The game is so cool! But, I started playing on “hard” and I might just finish with my first game... which means I have the strategies pretty much nailed down (despite being chronically bankrupt). I played probably more than a dozen games of Medieval: Total War before I beat the game (which, back then, meant taking over all of the known world, which was quite a feat, especially considering that I first did it with the Danes who only start out with one province). Of course the battle AI still leave a lot to be desired (even after the patch), but maybe I can someday test my steel against a friend or two.

Also, I'm spending time with Michelle. After having given her a “full Cape experience” (more or less) last time, we are taking things a little slower this time. But tomorrow is our 1 year 1 month anniversary (we missed our one year, so this one has to fill in) and I want to take her out to dinner and a show at the Artscape (although the latter will be with a friend: it was his idea, actually).

Next week is my birthday: I can hardly believe it! Time flies so quickly. I'll be 22: the first of a long streak of “insignificant” birthdays. (16,) 18, 20 and 21 were big deals, but the next one is only 30 (well, maybe 25, but only if you decide to be sentimental). But, anyway, that is not the matter at hand. I'm thinking of having a “casual” evening, in the sense that there are no big plans or schedules, but rather just to try and get as many people to drop by during the evening so I can see them all for, maybe, one last time. People are starting to scatter and I might be one of them: I'm thinking of going to the UK at the end of the year. Of course I would love to stay and work here, but the money I need to repay my student loan will most likely be paid in pounds. I have no set plan yet, but unless I win the lottery, I'll probably go. Its a scary thought and I have already started to get nostalgic. Perhaps that will be the catalyst for me to thoroughly enjoy this year.

The Return (2007!)

2007-01-01T04:11:00.000+02:00

“A long December and there is reason to believe; maybe this year will be better than the last”.

Every year, after my new year's celebration I return to my PC and play this song. Some might say this is boring, mundane or cliché, but I like to think of it as some sort of tradition now. Sometimes I wonder if, say you've had the best year of your life, what is the point in hoping for a better year? 2006 was not the best year of my life, but I enjoyed it. When I think about the year briefly, two things come to mind: hard work and good friends. I worked my arse off this year. I like to think that I was reasonably well rewarded for it, but I also think of my friends and the good times I had with them. I'm still not a budding extrovert, but what I had I really appreciated and am thankful for.

I must say that tonight was one of the most fun new year's that I've had. Not brilliant, not mind numbingly excellent or any great revelations, but I just had fun. Michelle, some friends and I went to Edward Street in Bellville (bare with me) and looked around a bit until we found a place that was reasonably nice. We had our fair share of drama during the evening, but being on the dance floor with Michelle while welcoming in the new year was really awesome. We really had great fun. Afterwards a couple of friends joined us at our home for a quiet chat and Michelle and I just returned home after dropping off the one friend at his home. Now the year can start peacefully and serene (hopefully all I had to drink during the evening will contribute to the latter).

So, what about 2007? It started fun enough. It once had an ominous feel to it. The day before yesterday I woke up and I suddenly developed this strange urge for closure. Maybe it was the Chicken Little movie Michelle and I had watched, but I rather think that this should be my goal for the year: to tie up loose ends and make amends. I don't consider this a new year's resolution: rather this is something that has to be done, regardless of anything else. This year is also going to be a lot of hard work, but I'm also going to aim for a lot of great fun. In this year, much will sink or swim.

Our plans for going to the UK to visit my brother is again looking to be delayed. Its gotten to the point where I think it can only happen at the end of the year. But, unless I win some prize that will pay off my study loan, I have to start entering the industry at the end of the year. This leads me to think whether or not I should just stay on in the UK after my folks have left and look for work there. This is a scary thought: for the first time, I'm seriously thinking about leaving this beautiful gem of a country. For the first time, certain things seem real and scary. All the more reason to find my closure. My penance. My absolution.

The greatest and hardest thing to expect from a person is forgiveness. I pray that I shall find the strength to forgive and that others will find the strength to forgive me. By no means is this going to be an easy year, but maybe, just maybe, a better one than the last.

To all my family and friends: may Ha Shem protect you on all your journeys and give you strength and perseverance in all that you face. Shalom!

There are too many South Africans in London

2006-12-30T01:37:00.000+02:00

I don't really think that I am overly a fan of pop music, especially with the type of music that is “pop” these days. Listening to my favourite radio station, however, makes contact with this type of music avoidable. But one catchy tune did grab my attention: Lily Allen's LDN. The song's lyrics seems very appropriate to my own city, province and country. Then again, where isn't it applicable? We call cling to the dream that the grass is indeed greener on the other side. We need to believe that, somewhere that is reachable, exists a true utopia: a land of milk and honey. But every nation and city has its own problems, al be it crime, corruption, pollution etc. etc. “Sun is in the sky, oh why, would I want to be anywhere else?”

I'm now back from my grandmother's. To be honest, she didn't seem much worse than the last time I saw her, which was a year ago. But it is very clear that being alone or tired affects her a lot. The other thing, that probably isn't new, but that I've only realised now, is that she's also lost some restrain: she'll say things to people she wouldn't have a few years ago. It's bad, and there is no-one can do but be supportive. I also went to see my grandfather again. That was nice.

Michelle is here now, but her parents came along and they are staying with her aunt for now (her uncle passed away earlier this year). She'll be coming over to stay with me on Sunday (when her parents have returned home). I still don't have any New Year's plans yet, but we'll figure that out later. Its good to see her again... its hard to believe, so much time in between everything...

Michelle got me Medieval II: Total War! Isn't she the best?? Thanks babe ;-)

Work on my website has stalled as I am having some “Linux distro” problems, but I'll continue later. I've abandoned the idea of a “big bang” layout now and will try to get it up sometime in January and then just keep on tinkering and improving on it after it is “live”. Its almost ready yet, but there are still a few annoying things I have to sort out.

So, I guess that is it then for 2006... thanks to my audience, known and unknown. Watch this space... I think 2007 is going to be quite a year!

“And you ask me what I want this year and I try to make this kind and clear: just a chance that we will find better days. 'Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in string or designer love and empty things: just a chance to find better days.”

- Goo Goo Dolls (Better Days)

Gran's Gone

2006-12-20T00:00:00.000+02:00

My grandfather died in 2002. Several years before that he had a heart attack, which was the first major red alert concerning his health. My grandmother immediately dropped everything and my grandfather became her top priority. Up to his death, that is what she did. Its not like my grandfather was an invalid – on the contrary, he was still reasonably active, but near the end I retrospectively realise that he became tired with the increasing health problems. One morning my grandmother woke up and my grandfather was simply gone.

Everyone knows loss, therefore it is simply suffice to say that my grandmother was very distraught; they were by each other's side for roughly sixty years. Afterwards she was the little old widow living alone in the house (luckily the live in the same town where my uncle is the doctor) and we wondered what would happen and how she would cope. She drastically lost weight for a time and nearly cleared out the house from anything that she doesn't use on a daily basis. Again retrospectively, the first sign of trouble, I think, was her hearing that started to go. Well, we thought it was her hearing: she would take part in a conversation, but if she turned her back to you or looked away, she sometimes did not hear you talking at all. Over the past two years, however, her conditioned developed: forgetfulness, short term memory loss, confusion and paranoia. My mom and the other children believe it is dementia. I – I don't know. They never took her to an expert, probably because of her paranoia. She is afraid she will be taken away from her home (in more lucid years she said she will also die in the same home my grandfather had died in). The children wanted to put her in a nursing home, but she refused as long as she could. Eventually the realised that they would have to take the decision for her. Unfortunately, the waiting list for a good nursing home can be up to 10 years. In the mean time, however, they got somebody to take care of her. The caretaker is a friend of my grandmother, so everything can be done under the perpetual ruse that she is visiting my grandmother (or that my grandmother is visiting her). For a while I knew she recognised a person if she spoke to or saw them, but could not recall a person from memory. Recently, however, while staying with my aunt, there were times that she did not recognise my aunt, so her condition has deteriorated even further. She can also no longer take care of herself.

The thing that helps her the most at this stage, we believe, is for her to not be alone. This has, and continues to be, a cause of strive in the family. There are several different situations and reasons (four children and four spouses), but in the end it all has place a considerable stain on the family (as I have never experienced before). It has been decided that, as far as possible and necessary, the children are going to take take turns taking care of my grandmother. Today my parents left so my mom could go fore fill her obligation. We shall also be spending Christmas there (I'll go Friday). I haven't been to Velddrif in exactly a year; I've bailed out every time my folks went there. This might be the first year where I have seen the De Wets more than the Vermeulens. But I do feel guilty about it – I feel like I am skipping out on my obligation to the family. It is just going to be so hard to return there and see my grandmother again. Is that person still my grandmother – the same one I grew up loving so fondly? Why did I have to turn into such a bastard at the end of my grandparents' lives?

Sometimes I wonder whether our (especially the children, because I'm too busy washing my hands the whole time) attitude in the West is really the right one. I am the last one to envy the Japanese or Koreans over anything in general, but I do admire the deep respect they have for their elderly. In the West, when you grow old you probably grow into a nuisance, but there you are revered. How would things have been different?

Like I said, on Friday I have to go face the music from whence I have been running away from so long. If you want to rebuild yourself, sometimes you have to start with the unpleasant things first. The person that I am the saddest for, however, is my mother. She has already had to bare much more in her life than she should have. I am proud of her, but, unfortunately, I believe there is much more to come still.

God does not give someone a burden which he or she can not carry.

My Suffix (a.k.a. Vici)

2006-12-12T09:46:00.000+02:00

I'm back from dinner with my folks after the graduation ceremony. The biggest issue concerning the ceremony was how long it was going to be. Guesses varied from two to four hours. Luckily it was only an hour and a half and I am happy to report that everything went very well! It was good seeing my classmates at the grand finale. Of course, not everyone was there, but it was still a nice last get together all the same: there will be no reunions, names and faces will fade and people will fall silent. But so is life.

The ceremony wasn't all that sacred in the end, dispite all the attempts at formality. I guess it would've helped if I didn't do sudoku's and chatted with the friend next to me, but it was nice anyway. Bleh, I've been on the go since 10:30 (which is early for me at this stage), so I'm kind of beat at the moment. If there is any ranting to do on this subject, I shall do so at a later stage. Good night everyone and thank you to whom it is due.

My Big Day

2006-12-12T00:30:00.001+02:00

Today is the day of my graduation. Its finally here. After three years of toil, it is finally here. Its amazing to think how quickly the time has flow and the sheer volume of emotions I've gone through in, what seems now to be, a very short time. It seems like not along ago that I looked ahead in the yearbook at the third year subjects in awe and reverence. Now they are merely striked-out names; spent means to an end.

On Saturday they published the names of the people who would be graduating in the newspaper. There were names there that I didn't expect to be there and there were names that should have been there, but weren't. I think that is when it became real for me: what I had achieved and how lucky and blessed I am to be where I am. It is an honour and a privilege. It is still joke to consider us skilled in our respective fields (that is what yet further education and work experience is for), but in the end we are a little smarter, a little brighter and, hopefully, a little wiser than when we were when we started out.

But, today is not only my graduation, but also the one year anniversary of Michelle and I going out! Thank you so much for everything babes! I miss you and I'll see you soon. ;-)

I best get to bed; tomorrow is going to be a long, busy day.

A Different Kind of Day

2006-12-01T09:25:00.000+02:00

Today started out like any other this weekend and it had a lot of promise as being as listless and unproductive as the rest. But then I got a call from a friend: I was commissioned to help him in asking about a mutual girl friend out. I was eager to help, because it would bring action to years' of pining (although I only found out about it this year). The plan was slightly elaborate, in my opinion, but as we know now: girls like it. The plan was for a bunch of friends, including myself, to wait at robots on the route home. As my friend drove passed and stopped (regardless of lights and traffic), we were to each give her two roses and a card. The role was simple enough and had a desirable effect, although the eventual answer was not a yes. It wasn't a no either: she doesn't feel up to a relationship at the moment, so now we are all on hope-for-the-best duty.

I tried documenting the events on my camera, but certain people were a little on edge. ;-) Still, it was a good show of camaraderie and it is good to know that my friends will be there for me as we were for our friend today.

It's me, again

2006-11-28T11:29:00.000+02:00

I should start laying off this current affairs/social commentary stuff and return to my niche narcissistic focus: thats what its all about anyway.

Anyway, exam results were officially released today and I passed everything! I wasn't sweating it, but it is nice to have official confirmation. I pass with two majors and technically qualify for both Computer Science and Applied Mathematics honours, although I am still going to do the Computer Science, as planned. Graduation is on the 12th of December and then I can finish this paragraph in the current chapter of my life. But the next one is only a page away.

Paradigm Shift

2006-11-28T09:23:00.000+02:00

I know that this issue is already old news and that I'm probably going to get a lot of flak of this (especially after the previous post, but there is a fundamental difference many people seem to miss), but it is time I throw in my two cents on the issue. On Friday, South Africa will become the fifth country in the world (and the first republic and the first African country) to allow homosexual marriages. This is a direct consequence of our constitution and a court ruling on the matter last year.

Of course, this is a matter that has enjoyed much attention from the press (hence the handy little facts I just regurgitated: I don't keep tabs on things like that). Most people who have commented about this (in the media) have welcomed this. The law will be passed based solely on what the constitution says and without any real consideration of the Christian, Jewish and Muslim opposition there is to this matter. To boot: homosexuality is considered a severe taboo in many ethnic African cultures. It is not that homosexuality itself was outlawed, but suddenly it seems like there has been this dramatic paradigm shift. Most of the first reactions I observed from my peerage is one of joy and happiness about the matter. They feel that the discrimination can now end and good for them: they are also people, after all. The law makes provision that no-one has to bind homosexuals in marriages if they are not comfortable doing so (something the gay-rights activists are bitching about now), however suddenly pastors and ministers seem to throw open the church doors to them. Homosexuality has been a heatedly debated subject in the Christian churches in South Africa for several years now, but the fact remains that the Bible is very clear about this: “If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.” - Leviticus 20:13 (NIV). (I prefer the New Afrikaans translation, though) I know that I have probably just unleashed all matter of condemnation on myself, but I refuse to enter a theological discussion on this matter. For me, the important part is where this sin is called “detestable”. That is pretty powerful. Bare in mind, that passage comes from the same part in the Bible where the all-Holy Ten Commandments come from: its all rules and guidelines to live by.

I'm not advocating the death of anyone. At the moment, I am not concerned about gay marriages. One could jokingly ask: why should only straight people suffer under the burden of marriage? On a more serious note, for me marriage, as an institution, is not sacred (not where people marry for money, citizenship or as joke with anullments and divorces running rampant). Rather, if there is anything sacred about it, it is on an individual level. From a political point of view: there is no stopping this either: it simply is unconstitutional. Whether the constitution reflects the majority of the country's citizen's point of view and wished, is another matter.

I am not even concerned with the homosexuals themselves here, believe it or not. The issue that is weighing on my mind is how heterosexuals, especially those claiming to be Christian, Jewish or Muslim, perceive this matter. Now that gay marriages are going to be legal, suddenly everyone wants to be everyone else's friend. What was the issue about, man? Can't we all just make up and move along? I feel strongly that these people are selling out on their faith.

The issue is that we are going to see less discrimination against homosexuals and more discrimination about people who are conservative on this matter. Since the dawn of the New South Africa, many white people have fallen into the habit of being apologetic about everything. They make sacrifices and give up things they believe in and which is a part of them simply to try and make up for the past. I, however, refuse to pay for sins which are not mine. I am proud of who and what I am and I apologise for nothing. I do not compromise myself. And if I have to suffer because of it, then so be it. I believe that homosexuality is fundamentally wrong. Period. You do not have to agree with me. I say this because I feel it needs to be said: too many people are quiet and too many people are swaying.

Lastly, a few technical points: I only have issues when people engage in homosexual behaviour, meaning the sex. If two same gendered simply enjoy each other's company, want to share an income, whatever, I'm fine with that. People can even be disinterested in the opposite sex: Paul says that it is a good thing for a man not to marry (see 1 Corinthians 7). To me, its as black and white as the sex-issue. I also believe that sexual orientation is a choice and you will never convince me otherwise.

At least there is one good thing that is going to come from the new law: I now longer have to watch two middle-aged lesbians periodically bitch and moan on the news after some court ruling. That was just getting terribly tedious.

Vierkleur Verleentheid

2006-11-28T00:44:00.000+02:00

I make it no secret that I do not like rugby. I played a little touchies during break in primary school, but that was it. My disdain for the game is so great that my brother's wife can hardly believe that my brother and I are actually brothers. Rugby is a traditional South African/Afrikaner sport and watching and playing it a great pastime. 1995 was a glorious time for everyone. But I never took a liking to it. Besides, these days its all about the money, politics and the corporations behind the teams. There are too many losses and everything is taken so seriously that careers and futures are at stake with every game.

Saturday, South Africa played against England (the current world champions) and actually won. I happened to read something about this in the news and I couldn't help but grin when I learned that their coach was in just as much trouble over their team's performance as ours' is. It seems its the same everywhere and that is very tedious and boring.

But the subject of this post is actually the South African supporters. It is no secret that Britain is littered with South Africans. By now, probably the most of them are ex-patriot Afrikaners who left to escape crime, discrimination (affirmative action) and the New South Africa (and all that it entails). Most of these people miss South Africa profoundly and would love to return here, but they won't. So, when the boys in green and gold pitch for a match in their neighbourhood, everyone is out for the occasion. However, Saturday's Bok supporters embarrassed the players at Twickenham by sporting a few flags. The flags were not, however, South Africa's recognisable flag, but rather the flags of the old South Africa and even of the old Boer Republics. These flags are signs of traditional Afrikaner patriotism and is closely associated with Apartheid.

There are two sides to this issue. I am not ashamed of the old flag. It is the symbol of a very important time in South Africa's history, sordid as it may be. The Apartheid era was important for the Afrikaner. Not, however, because of the racial discrimination (white people didn't go around professionally beating black people all day for nearly half a century, that's just not what happened!), but rather because during this time, Afrikaners feel that they reached their apex: culturally, we were strong (no matter what the neo-liberals say), scientifically were were competing with the best in the world and our economy was strong. And all this while we where shunned and locked out by the rest of the world: not too shabby if you ask me.

Of course, South Africa is no longer defined by the white minority. We have made important progress and although there is still a lot of reconciliation that needs to be done, people are moving on and moving forward: the different races side by side. The country may be lacking in certain areas compared to 20 or 30 years ago, but a new generation is emerging to tackle the challenges at hand. We have a new flag, emblem, anthem and constitution, all of which is racially neutral. These symbols now have to define what we will think of about our county's history when they pass away.

That said, I am not thrilled by the ex-patriots' supportive display this past Saturday. What they did, highlighted a very important division between those that left and those that stayed. Those that stayed, could, to a greater or lesser degree, accept the changes that have happened. Some people might disagree with me, but I see racism waning and tolerance, acceptance and cooperation increasing among the people of the country, especially in the youth. Those that left have never learned to accept and forgive. They are a sore reminder of how the world, even people here at home, perceive Afrikaners. And because of this, we shall be flogged and shamed for our father's sins for many years to come still.

Rugby supporters, however, are not the only ones to blame. There are incidents of people yelling racist remarks at black cricket players in Australia. I can't comprehend or explain this better that I have tried to above. How narrow minded can a person be? Let me tell you this: if South Africa's cricket team were all black, but played the same calibre of cricket or better than Makhaya Ntini does, I shall be even prouder of our team: its all about the game, people, its all about the game.

Update: 11:00

Many people have been taken aback today by a picture which appeared in the local media about Saturday's match: a black person, sitting amongst white friends with the country's old flag draped around him. Apparently he spoke Afrikaans and was a good sport about this. This is a clear indication that the matter is not as clear cut as praise-or-damn. To me, it merely reaffirms my believe that anyone can really be an Afrikaner. Race is not an issue, as shocking as that may seem to some people. If he enjoyed himself and if he and his friends had a good time, good for them. Above argument still hold, though.

Thunder, Flash

2006-11-19T11:40:00.000+02:00

One of the quirks of the Cape is that thunderstorms are very rare here. For some, like my grandmother, this is a very good thing. But, because of its rarity, I especially enjoy thunderstorms. And if, like today, they strike without much warning, it is even better. Relaxing alone at home and hearing the huge drops pound at the roof is really soothing. Perfect melancholy weather! I also find comfort in the violent, al be it often distant, rumbling of the thunder itself. Perhaps the comfort comes from the thought of the uncontrollable force of nature at work. Humans have conquered and enslaved a lot of aspects about nature and the world, but some things remain unchained.

And then, just as suddenly as it started, it stops, and the sun begins to peek through.

Updated at 19:00:

Weather was strange today indeed, but man, what an awesome sunset!

Brother Past, Brother Present

2006-11-17T08:53:00.000+02:00

The past few days I've been feeling... the tug of loneliness on me. I don't know, but at the end of the day, when I reflect on all that has happened, I get lonely. These days, not much gets accomplished during the day and I wonder how things could or would be different if I wasn't alone. Its not the kind of lonliness that can be remedied by visiting with friends, and I feel guilty about that. I have a girlfriend, but she is almost 2000 km away. At this very moment she doesn't even seem able to receive my SMS messages. So its just a guy, alone in a flat on a Friday night listening to some music with the wind howling outside and rattling the doors and windows. I don't feel bad about where I am per se, just alone.

I don't think I need to feel guilty about my position. My past choices have brought me here and they will take me many different places still. The thing is: nobody expects them to necessarily be the correct decisions. I am at the point in my life where a person makes mistakes; it is, afterall, the first wobbly steps into selfsustained adulthood.

I feel the tug of loneliness at my clothes and the past snapping at my heels. I try to ignore all of it, but I do find refuge in the malancholy and the memories. Of course I try not to be suffocated by the patchwork blanket of these things, but sometimes you get sleepy and then your mind starts to wander before you loose consiousness. It is not in the dream world where you find your fears and your delights, but in those last few semi-consious moments.

They say people are only themselves when they are alone behind their closed bedroom doors. They say you should measure your faith, morality and demeanour then. But sometimes the public and private personas differ enough for me to wonder if the real one isn't outside somewhere, not alone. If, when outside, you are consistant and you do not compromise yourself, then why not? We are a social people, afterall.

Wow, that took a couple of turns I wasn't expecting. Recently, agape, philo and eros has just weighing on my mind a bit more than usual.

I've started working on the mythical “new” website again. I feel good about the progress that I've made thus far, but at this point in the development its “one step forward, two steps back”. I want to do what is called a “big bang rollout”, meaning I put up all the new stuff in one go as opposed to bit by bit. This means its all still going to take a long time, but my frustration with Blogger is a good source of motivation. I actually thought that, under Google's stewardship, there might be an improvement in my experience of their quality of service effort, but, alas, this does not seem to be the case. Anyway, the new site is, more than anything, something to keep me busy with and to develop my “webbing” skills with.

Vini Vidi...

2006-11-11T06:40:00.000+02:00

Right now I'm sitting and basking in the afterglow of what I hope was my final undergraduate exam. It is... surreal! That's not a hyperbole: it really feels awesome. It was a quiet event: maybe 30 or 40 people writing a three hour paper. It was only us: no-one else wrote this afternoon and the Engineering building was empty and hollow. Three hours is, of course, a long time (I yearned for the days of writing History papers at school, when I was use to it) and most people left before the time was up, so there was no congregation nervous or elated people outside the hall. Everyone just dissipated and it was a beautifully fitting end of how these past few weeks reminded me of the last stanze of T.S. Elliot's The Hollow Men. Everyone (who is not returning to study next year) is going to float away on the winds of change as it blows into the sails of life. Today I casually found myself saying goodbye to someone and wondering whether I'll ever see him again.

Returning from the reminiscing and melancholy, here's a brief summary of my exam:

On Monday I wrote Optimisation (Applied Mathematics). It went well, but I am weary of little mistakes that might have crept in (I had a lot of them during my preparation).
On Tuesday evening it was Fluid Dynamics's (Applied Mathematics) turn. It was a massacre: Bloedrivier, except that this Boer didn't survive it very well. Luckily it turned out that it really was a difficult paper and everyone (without exception, it seems) suffered. I was sure I failed it (and I did, technically), but I got my final mark for that subject today and, surprise, surprise, I passed! (Going out for drinks afterwards was really fun though.)
On Wednesday we demoed our spreadsheet project. There were a few minor bugs (that didn't bother the lecturer that much) and in the end we walked away with 98%. It was nice to be rewarded like that for three and a half month's of work, but it was so close to 100%...
On Thursday I wrote software design. It didn't go nearly as well as it should: my distinction is gone with the wind now. Its funny: you work for three and a half months on a project, earn 98% for it, but the a one hour paper comes and steals all that glory away.
And then, today, was Networking. It is sort of a wild card, but I'm not going to worry about it. I could give an answer for most of the questions, but the lecturer marks very strictly. Meh...

It Is Over!

I'm planning on staying on in Stellenbosch for next week and then returning home after that. I don't have any concrete plans yet, though. Most of my friends are still writing, so I'll find a way to amuse myself in the mean time.

For most of the week (especially after Fluid Dynamics) I've been in a quasi-zombi state, so, if you'll excuse me, I have some z's to catch up on.

Goodnight

Good Luck

Cheers!

Another Tragedy

2006-11-02T09:20:00.000+02:00

Karla Brink

1979-08-23 to 2006-10-27. Rest in peace; one day you'll be reunited with your loved ones.

Bad Omen?

2006-10-27T22:17:00.000+02:00

For the most of the year, because we don't have a TV or play the radio at the flat, I have been ignorant of most of the local politics. This, in my opinion, was a good thing, because the international news, which I do follow to a degree, alone depresses me too much. But, today I returned home to study before my exam and the first news item already upset me. Tonight on the news they announced that the name of the Johannesburg International Airport has official been changed to the O.R. Tambo International Airport. Oliver Tambo was the ANC leader for a long time and a martyr. Or so I'm told. I don't know much about him and I never met him. But, from what I hear, he was not just a good politician but also a great guy and everyone who supported the ANC loved him.

But, there's a problem.

Johannesburg International Airport's (JNB) former name was the Jan Smuts International Airport. Jan Smuts was a great (white Afrikaner) South African politician at the start of the 20th century: he was, among other things, a Field Marshal in the British army (South Africa, then, was still a British dominium), he served in the Imperial War Cabinet under Winston Churchill and helped found both the League of Nations and the United Nations. As leader of the young, recently unified South Africa, he stood opposed to the more right-wing political opposition. So, in short, he was a great guy and people loved him not just because of his politics.
But there was a problem. He was a leader of “white” South Africa.

Before the 1994 democratic elections, the country's major political parties (most notably the ruling NP government and the newly unbanned ANC), held a series of meetings to discuss and ease the upcoming transformations: the Convention for a Democratic South Africa (CODESA). Many things, of course, were ultimately decided at these meetings, but one is of importance now: the names of South Africa's international airports were to be changed so that they were “apolitical”.
And now?

Great way this country's democracy is heading in, especially with the ANC trying to oust the local government in the city of Cape Town because they are sore losers.

I'm back at home for the exams and I'm probably going to be pretty quiet until after the exams. Nothing new then, so, until next time, good luck with your endeavours and enjoy!

Honourable Mentions

2006-10-22T10:06:00.000+02:00

The past week was, I'm glad to say, quiet and pleasant. The final specifications for the spreadsheet project was suppose to be up on last Monday, but the lecturer only got around to do it on Friday (and, as per our agreement, he shaved his head on Monday). The peacefulness of the week was also accentuated by the absence of any tut tests. So there wasn't too much to do in the week and I capitalized on it. On Tuesdays I went on an excursion with the third year Physics class to go attend a public lecture on the Big Bang given by the famous professor Harald Fritzsch at UCT. Because it was a public lecture, however, it was very pop sciency and I already knew a lot of what he talked about. Afterwards, the bunch of us went for a drink.

The departments of Computer Science and Applied Mathematics (which are technically all part of the same department, but never mind that) chose last week as the one where they would present their offerings in honours courses to the third year students. Originally, the Computer Science honours courses didn't seem all that appealing and I strongly considered taken two modules at Applied Mathematics (you are allowed to take up to two courses offered by a relevant/affiliated department). But I was surprised at how appeal most of the Computer Science modules look now! They have, for instance, introduced a new module, which is generically named “Software Construction”, which is effectively the “game-engine-design course”. There are also modules in, amongst others, Automata, Artificial Intelligence, Computer Graphics, Concurrency, Theoretical Computer Science and Networking. Its going to be difficult to choose...

I would really have liked to take a module or two from Applied Mathematics, but that seems unlikely now. I have come a long way with Applied Mathematics and there are also interesting and appealing courses offered by the department, but in the long run, it won't help further my “Computer Science” career that much (unless I decide to go in the theoretical direction, which seems unlikely).

And, as it always is, I'm discovering a lot of interesting topics and things now on the eve of the exam. Friday I briefly learned about a topic called “Social Network Analysis” which concerns the study of social groups (schools, churches, governments, terrorist cells, book clubs, hospitals etc.) and how things like information, gossip, diseases etc. are dissipated through them. There are also other applications also. It's a union of psychology and mathematics and seems very interesting and tempting. And, to boot, it took only a couple of clicks on the web to get to pages on artificial intelligence from the social networks pages. I would really like to explore this topic more in detail. *sigh* Things like this and the desire to start working on the website again are tempting me away from my studying efforts (which still have to start). The cruel irony is that, when I'm on holiday, I want to break away from academic topics and then these things are placed on a dark, dusty shelve again.

20 I-My-Me's

2006-10-21T16:47:00.000+02:00

I'm not really one to follow “blogging trends”, but the practise to listing 20 things about yourself is one that I am willing to indulge in. The reason is that I've decided that I should be more “open” on this website. It's foolhardy to peruse anonymity on a personal website. The reason has always been that I want to keep this website separate from my real life friends and family. To a degree, I still do, but I don't want to hide so much anymore. Anyway, that rant aside, here are 20 Facts About Me:

(1) I have, to date, never had tequila (at least not straight). I'm quite happy with vodka. I've also never smoked anything in my life (not cigarettes, marijuana or even a celebratory cigar) and I also don't have any desire to.
(2) My favourite Christian bands/artists are Jason Upton, Delirious? and dc Talk. I sometimes wonder whether it is “right” to have favourites among Christian bands: most of them are, after all, all praising Ha Shem and spreading the Christian message. On the other hand, I am disillusioned by how “big business” some of these bands are. I also dislike the Dove awards which itself is pretty commercial and ultimately judge certain artists and bands as “better” than others.
(3) In day-to-day life, I am reasonably spartan.
(4) I don't really know my dad's side of the family very well. I most associate with my mom's side of the family. Of them, everyone lives in the Western Cape except for my uncle and aunt who live in Phalaborwa. My dad's sister and brother lives in Gauteng.
(5) I have mild obsessive compulsive traits. I am not ruled by them, but I have wondered whether, coupled with my introvertedness, a bad doctor would've diagnosed my with some form of autism when I was younger.
(6) “Like riding a bicycle” my foot. When I was young, I forgot how to ride a bicycle after many years of not riding one. I learnt to ride a bicycle when I was very young (even though it took a long while to get rid of the training wheels) and had to re-learn later in primary school.
(7) I enjoy going on long walks, like hiking up a mountain, but I never go do something like that out of my own. Subsequently I hardly ever get the opportunity anymore.
(8) Occasionally, I forget to put my car's lights on at night. Or, I put only the parking lights on. I then drive for a while until I start to wonder why everything is so dark...
(9) I don't remember which way left and which way right is by thinking of which is my writing hand. I remember the time my grandfather effectively taught me which way round the directions are why I told him to turn the wrong way to get to the local petrol station when I was very young.
(10) The first time I effectively played “computer technical support” and solved someone's computer problem was when I was four. The panic-stricken family friend had forgotten to turn the computer on.
(11) Most of my dinners are frozen. I do not yet have the time “after hours” to learn how to cook properly.
(12) I am against the death penalty.
(13) Even though I find myself being cautious sometimes, I do not consider myself as superstitious.
(14) People like my hair. Well, I've had a few people comment on how much they like it. Not the style or colour, but just... I don't know, as is. I don't spend a lot of time on it or use special products on it. I guess I was just blessed with nice, healthy, thick hair.
(15) In general, I don't like parodies. There are exceptions, but especially parodical websites and books get on my nerves.
(16) At one stage, when I was younger, I drew a few pictures of a naked woman who appeared in a Sunday newspaper comic strip. This was also probably my last attempt at learning to draw, sketch or paint well – it's just not my talent.
(17) I would rather vacuum and do dishes than mow the lawn and take out the garbage.
(18) When I was young, I wanted to become a palaeontologist.
(19) I can't really throw. I don't have the power in my arms to throw a ball far and my direction isn't exactly always spot on. This made playing cricket difficult and, to a degree, unpleasant.
(20) I like cheese.

And there you go!

Unwinding Rant

2006-10-13T10:38:00.000+02:00

The past four weeks has been pretty hectic: especially those before the last one. I had deadlines, demos and tests, but thankfully I made it through on the other side. I also got the last test I wrote back today, so now I know pretty well where I stand as I head towards the exams.

Like I said, things were pretty rough. I thought that I would be able to relax a little in the past week, but I found myself unable to switch off from all of the work. We are still busy with the spreadsheet project and it is nearing completion, so that is pretty interesting and exciting to see. But still, I did slack off a little bit.

I started jogging again a few weeks ago. I'm taking it slow, but I am amazed at how fast I'm getting back into the game after an absence of nearly a year. I don't think I shall reach any goals next year, but at least I'm gaining momentum again. I also got myself a pair of real running shoes and I think it does make a difference. The biggest problem now is motivation and I am still not in a regular routine yet.

There is so much I've wanted to say, but now I am at a loss of words and thoughts... maybe I'm just too tired at the moment. It has happened twice now in as many weeks that an inspiration suddenly comes to me out of the blue: something that needs to be written down and nurtured into special, but then I do not have the time to do it. Finding inspiration these days is pretty hard, let alone having them be lost as you shuffle on to do your daily routine. I was forced to jot down only the core ideas that came to me, but separated from a body they are merely dead limbs. It is very strange how the creative process (at least as I experience it) works: when I get an idea, I either have to construct something around it immediately or else I loose the “essence” of it. Many ideas only seem good in the moment though and it happens that I return to something that I have written only to completely discard it. I also don't really like to go back and re-read my work (as readers of this blog may have noticed). However, sometimes there are gems that are just too precious to loose sight of...

It has been three years since I left school, but there are still elements I miss from that time: my stronger spirituality, my writing ambitions and my convictions all seem boxed up in some glass cage at an antiquities display. I pass it every now and again and gaze upon and think about the good old days. I believe I can turn everything I don't like about my life at the moment 180 degrees around, but something is just... amiss.

We are now hurtling towards the exams at a blistering pace here at Stellenbosch. I've always been very reserved about speaking of or thinking about graduation, but lately I'm thinking about it more and I'm really excited about the prospect. It's just... it's what I've been working so hard for. I've poured a lot into academics these past three years and it has taken a high toll on my. Graduation – that will be tangible reward. There's only a small stretch left in which I mustn't muck things up.

I heard from my uncle at the start of the week that I'll be able to continue staying at the flat next year! I'm pretty psyched about that. The idea was, originally, I believe, that he would have sold the flat when my cousin moves out. At the moment I'm not sure whether he'll be moving out or not: I doubt it, because he isn't finished with his doctorate yet, but on the other hand I also don't think that he'll stay for the whole of next year. I've grown to like and appreciate the old place.

Surely You're Joking Mr Murphy! (Part II)

2006-09-24T06:41:00.000+02:00

Happy Heritage Day people! I don't know what that really means, but for me it means tomorrow is a day off for me and all the other people of the beautiful country!

All focus has currently shifted to the big spreadsheet project we have for Computer Science. I've been psyched about it from the start and still am, even though I've been working on this project for two months now. Thursday is our first (softish) deadline and my team and I are not yet ready for it. But, I'm sure we can pull it off. My hands (and lower arms) are a bit sore though. It happens when I code a lot, but I haven't been coding that much relatively speaking. My duties does, however, include some administration work. If you are a programmer, your hands are your bread and butter; I'd hate to think what speech-to-text for C or Python must be like! Anyway, I'm going to have to go see a orthopaedic surgeon about my hands sometime and hear what they have to say. My mother had carpal tunnel syndrome and had to have surgery on both of her hands. *sigh* Growing up is fun.

A regional radio station (which has poor to no reception in Stellenbosch) had a competition for two weeks called “Find the Fugitive”. It's “the world's biggest game of Hide-and-Seek, because the world's biggest game of Ring-A-Ring-A-Rosie didn't quite make the grade”. Basically there was this guy who “hid” himself somewhere in the Cape and if you suspected that you found him, you have to ask him whether he is The Fugitive. If you were correct, you didn't look like a fool and won a variable (but sufficient) amount of money. Because I was home during the short holiday, I could listen to this radio station and started following the competition and the clues. I even thought to myself that I and someone else should take a day off and hunt this person, but that didn't happen. But one day I was lying on my bed about 75% asleep when I heard them discussing the location of The Fugitive on the radio. Obviously the prize had gotten too big (it grew every hour he remained unfound) and they basically gave away his location. He was in “Die Neelsie student centre”: Stellenbosch's student centre. I was practically asleep, but that familiar word brought me back. When I had regained conciousness, I grabbed my phone and SMS'ed two girl friends, the only people I could think of who might have a chance to get there before somebody else, about what they must do. Agonizing minutes passed and then came one reply: “Just missed him”! She told me the following day that she was in Die Neelsie when she received my SMS, but ran downstairs while he was upstairs (which I knew: the clues placed him by a cinema, but I couldn't include that detail in the SMS). She eventually did spot him, but couldn't get to him in time. The prize would have been R22000. The whole experience was... well, haunting afterwards. But, at least if something is that close, you know that it just wasn't meant to be.

Anyway, back in the real world I have a lot of work to do and shockingly little time to do it in. Best of luck to you for the upcoming week.

Near the Horizon

2006-09-08T10:22:00.000+02:00

The sun rose today on another day on which yet another holiday starts for the students at the University of Stellenbosch. Yet another, but they are running out. When the sun rises on the first day of yet another quarter for the students at the University of Stellenbosch, it will be the last one for a small group of undergraduates (well, at least as undergraduates).

After last night's test a few friends and I went out for drinks. As we were driving home, one of them remarked “we're graduating at the end of the year”. I'm not that confident: I'd hate to say something like that and then be proven wrong. We are all fallible. But last night's test didn't go too bad, so we'll probably progress to the exams and then... well, if all goes well, pop the corks, baby!

Where has three years gone?

Last night we wrote Fluid Dynamics (in applied mathematics). It can be pretty hectic and for someone who is not familiar with the mathematics, the volume integrals and dyadic tensors can look pretty impressive, hehe. But our lecturer tries to shield us from the really hairy stuff. After many years (he's retiring after this one), he knows all too well how quickly fluid calculations can spin out of control. Like I said, the test shouldn't be a disaster.

The other test we've written so far is Optimization (also applied mathematics), which was on Monday. That wasn't too bad either. I still have two computer science papers to write after the holiday, but that's a few weeks off still.

The weather has changed dramatically over the past few days. For two or three days now it has been really humid. I can't stand humid weather. Some of the people I was out with last night really enjoyed it, but I only started liking it when some of the humidity was starting to dissipate. There is a big difference between a nice, warm summers evening and an evening which is chokingly humid. Anyway, today was my first going-out-in-a-T-shirt day in many months, so it would appear as if the winter is getting beat. Spring has been in the air for a few weeks already and I'm looking forward to summer, even if the winter seemed to pass very quickly.

It was also full moon last night. That was really nice. I enjoy it when it is full moon; not because it is magical or moods or tides or luck or whatever, but because it is simply a beautiful. Sometimes you need just that. I was sitting on the roof that covers some of the cars parked by our building having a sundowners and watching the clouds, because the sun had already sunk behind the mountain. I was thinking about how people, well, at least I, need simplicity. You need to be able to enjoy the moon as we all see it. Cynics will tell you it is just a cold, lifeless rock, but that's not what I see: the moon shines by it's own brilliance and for me it is calming, even if it is also a time piece showing you how the months fleet by. I could guess what forces hold clouds together in clumps or go read up about it, but I'm not going to, because I don't want it ruined by explanations and the human understanding of physics. I'm still a scientist, but I'm also a person who needs romance and mystery in life.

Today was awesome. I only had one class late in the morning, so I could take my time getting up. Afterwards I went for coffee and ice cream with a girl friend. We wandered a bit through the town I almost never go to and it was nice being away from campus. It felt like the “arts” part of town there are a few not-so-modestly-priced streets cafés and tourist traps scattered about it. It's weird to think of the place where you work and study everyday as a tourist attraction, but you don't have to walk far to see the people with the cameras walking to or from buses. Anyway, what I mean to say is that if you don't take a break every now and again and look for them, these things pass you by, not you them. Walking down Victoria street it was strange to see the blossoms on the branches of the trees that had been bare a few weeks earlier (and which had shed its dead leaves a short while before that). I also chatted with a few other people in the day, but now I'm alone again. But I really did enjoy the day.

I'm still not 100% recovered from whatever is wrong with me. I could manage a four-flight jog going to my only class this morning, but my throat is still a bit sore. Meh, maybe I'll recover when I'm back home. I'll probably leave tomorrow morning after a bit of cleaning. I have no real plans for next week, but I'm going to relax and enjoy myself.

Pestilence!

2006-08-30T18:02:00.000+02:00

So the party on Friday night was really great. I met a bunch on nice people and had a very good time. However, I brought something back with me. Every second person you meet is sick with something more exotic and dangerous than the last person, and I picked up a couple of germs in the fancy Cuban themed lounge that was packed with people.

I was very annoyed when I realized that I was going to get sick (I know a few hours in advance because my throat starts to tingle), but thought I could easily fight it by overdosing on vitamin C and other voodoo medicines. Unfortunately, by late Saturday afternoon I knew it was going to be a killer (figuratively). On Sunday morning I woke up with terrible stomach pains, so I asked my cousin to take me to the hospital. The doctor put my on anti-biotics (as well as some other pills that I'm not exactly sure what they do except that they make me drowsy...) I was booked off for three days: I can't remember when was the last time I was booked off. Even when I had accidentally cut my right wrist open at school I was back virtually the same day (even though writing was kind of difficult). Anyway, I returned to university today even though I am still technically booked off, because there is work I simple have to do. It was a mission, but it seems like I survived the day. The whole being sick thing is bad in the sense that I have to do work (I have two big tests next week for which I still have to start studying) but I am unable to do almost anything except lie on my back and watch dust float through the air... I got a bit of reading done (recreational, mostly), but soon it's going to have to be crunch time for studying.

Everybody is sick! Stay away from them! People use to get sick with colds and flu, but now its flu, intestinal virii, bronchitis, feningites and other nasty things... It's almost the start of spring, but that usually means it's still going to be a month of cold weather. Stay indoors away from people and study!

Surely You're Joking Mr Murphy!

2006-08-25T17:56:00.000+02:00

I don't win many competitions. Because I don't enter competitions very much, this is understandable. Nikki's family, however, enters a lot of competitions. In fact, they enter all the competitions the come across. This increases their chances of actually winning something and, indeed, they have won competitions on numerous occasions. So, when I visit her and stay with her family, I get caught up in this practice to a small degree. She'd tell me to keep a movie ticket, because if you SMS the ticket number to the ticket line then you are entered into a draw and then the next time I'd do it automatically.

On Tuesday, my cell phone rang in a Computer Science tutorial period. Luckily it was not on silent, so I could actually hear. Not recognizing the caller's number, I assumed it was a wrong number (again). I was quite surprised when the voice asked to speak with me. He then cordially explained to me that I had won a hamper in a competition (the one with the movie tickets) and asked when I could come pick it up. The trick is that I had to go to the cinema where I had seen the movie – in Johannesburg. This is a problem, because I live in Cape Town and was only in Johannesburg on holiday (the sounds wrong to say, but never mind). I explained this to the well spoken gentleman as well as the fact that my girlfriend could go pick it up for me. However, the completion rules stated that I had to retrieve my prize personally, but the kind gentleman said that he would speak with his superiors and try to arrange something and then phone me back. He never phoned me back.

So, I won a competition, but in the end I have nothing to show for it. But so is life.

Going to that party tonight. I'm really looking forward to it, although I don't know how many people will be there that I know. But I know a few friends who are going, so it's cool.

Two Fingers!

2006-08-19T22:05:00.000+02:00

Happy birthday August-Inspiration! Today, two years ago, I started posting my thoughts here. I don't always carry through with projects of this nature, but I'm glad that, after two years, I'm still here and kicking! I don't read other peoples blogs much and I don't really go out into the net looking for them either, but of those that I have stumbled across are rarely past the two year mark, so I'm glad mine is still up.

My celebration is not a big surprise party with lavish decorations and decadent gifts, but rather more like humbly extending a cupcake, with two party candles on it, out into the direction of where the server is actually situated. At the moment the site doesn't look as good as it should and even though I have made some improvements and revisions, that (this) project is on hiatus as university as fully taken over. One day, however, I'll get it up, but not this August.

The site has already had a few server and address changes with extra content added and removed as I tried (try) to define the paradigm of this site. However, the basic functionality, theme and feel remain the same. Even though I'm working on some major changes for the site, it's all internal and little will change visually. I have no desire at this time to change the look of this site, but I'm not saying that I'll necessarily stick with it for ever.

Its weird how, tonight, I was taken back in past of my creativity. When I was in primary school, I use to think up and draw a lot games (adventure, sport, mystery, etc.) on A4 pages which I will then have any willing classmates play. It was never a big thing, but the creative process, at least, was fun and kept me busy. Because I virtually never throw anything away, I still have most of these games and drawings. Looking at them, I have to wonder if we ever did anything in primary school; the teachers were hardly ever in the class! Ah, so far removed from university... Anyway, I have a 21st on Friday of someone I was at primary school with and the other day she mentioned that she still remembers these games and would like to see them again. Being at a complete loss over a gift for her, I decided to bundle her some of the pages and give that as a present. Hopefully she'll like it, but maybe I should get a back-up present just in case:-P .

Looking through all of these pages and digging for more sent me on a massive nostalgia trip. Luckily it a very deep dig wasn't needed, so I didn't have to go completely back to the future. But it was nice... the last part of primary school wasn't what I would call a particularly happy part of my childhood/growing up, but it also wasn't without its good times.

Every time I dig through old papers of mine, I come across a quote or a piece of wisdom I'd scribbled on a paper somewhere and forgotten about over time. Studying (sciences) at university teaches you how little you really know. You are thought to seek out more knowledge, only to eventually match your tiny knowledge base against the vast enormity of knowledge that is out there. At some point, I guess you start to look at your past, when you where still ignorant of all this new knowledge, with some contempt. However, all these scribbles periodically remind me of what I did in fact know back then and, more importantly, felt and believed. Sometimes I become jealous of who I was then and of who I am now.

Happy birthday August Inspiration; may you someday know the joy of ignorance and innocence!

Lodge a Formal Complaint

2006-08-16T16:44:00.000+02:00

One of my main character flaws, I reluctantly admit, is that I tend to complain a lot. In fact, this post is a complaint. I know sometimes it gets to people and it doesn't always have merit. However, it is something that I am aware of and that I'm working on. Sometimes people complain because it is a mood they are in, but other times the complaints are substantial and significant. However, a distinction can still be made between people who only complain about something and people who complain about something, but who are planning to do something about it.

I, however, am not the only one who can complain a lot. Other people can also make a very big fuss about the littlest of things. As an example, I'm going to take you into the realm of computer science, software development and general geekiness.

Someone once said that a programmer loves the first two, maybe three programming languages he (or she) learns, but then hates everything he has to work with after that. I first programmed in Pascal and I absolutely loved it. I was apprehensive when I had to move on to C, but I learned to appreciate its raw power and flexibility. Then came Java and I learned to appreciate the rapid development of big projects it provides. Then I moved on to PHP, which I love as a friendly server side language. Next I want to move on the Python...

So, all these languages that I love, but they each have their flaws. Pascal is a great learning tool, but I wouldn't easily attempt a big project in it. Writing something in C from scratch can be a nightmare. Java runs on a virtual machine, and hence is slower in execution than the native code generated by other languages and also takes the object-orientated paradigm to ridiculous levels. PHP is fantastic for server side programming, but I haven't really applied it otherwise. Python also doesn't compile to native code, but I still have to yet learn it fully (it uses yet another programming paradigm).

Moral of the story? I use whatever is suited for a particular task. Same with operating systems: I dual boot Windows and Mandriva Linux (although I think I'm going to switch over to Suse soon). Windows supports drivers and games that Linux doesn't, but I prefer to do any development in Linux. Again, I use what is best suited for a particular task. Sometimes I do complain about Java applications being slow, but when I have to write threaded client-server programs for my Networks course, I am very thankful for the Java API.

Other people, however, hate irrationally. They are part of a geeky “Pepsi Generation”. The idea of the Pepsi generation is that people prefer one brand to another for whatever reason and refuses to support or endorse “the competition”. Examples abound: Coca-Cola or Pepsi? Mercedes or BMW? Windows or Linux? I'll admit that I am a part of the Pepsi generation. I given a choice, Coca-Cola all the way. Definitely a Mercedes. I grew up with “the idea” of these brands, I guess, and I support them. I am part of the Pepsi generation because I choose it, either because I like arguing with the people who support the competition or because I genuinely and blindly believe I support the “better” product. But when it comes to certain things, I use a bit more rationality and objectivity. Linux or Windows? Depends on what I want to do. C or Java? Depends on the task at hand.

I write this after stumbling across yet another fantastic piece of writing on the Internet I didn't read entitled “Why Java is better than C”. I got the result in a Google search, but the one point I read was completely idiotic. There are thousands, perhaps millions of articles like these out there on the web. People who complain about one language and spends considerable time, resources and effort doing so. This is sad and, more importantly, annoying and useless. These people resent something for simply existing. That sounds familiar, but not in an IT context... Anyway, the same goes for the Linux or Windows debate. In total, decades of man-hours get lost each year about people arguing with each other over these matters. Of course, nobody convinces everyone, which makes the entire exercise very frugal.

People, please, really, grow up. If you want to write an argument down, send a letter to a local politician or something and try to better your community. Or you can spend the time mowing the lawn or practise breathing less so you reduce carbon emissions, anything constructive!

I'm not saying stop complaining. On some level, it might actually be healthy and constructive, if done in moderation or appropriately. I also indulge in arguing over how useless, say, an Apple Mac is to an intelligible person. That’s more Pepsi generation, however, because I honestly can't think of a single use for one...

The stars are countable

2006-08-13T21:12:00.000+02:00

I'm reading Simon Singh's new book Big Bang. I'm almost half-way through now. It’s interesting to read about the history and methodologies that is behind the alchemy that is cosmology. Its very tantalizing to read about the telescopes people built themselves and the descriptions of the hordes of stars the saw with them. It takes me back: I remember there was this one night in particular that I looked up at the night sky when I was young. We were still living in the country and the very small town meant that there wasn't much light pollution. There were millions of stars. Billions. The Milky Way stretched across the sky like a waterfall and everything else were just drops that had spilled over its edge.

It was truly magnificent and awe inspiring. Cosmology (well, star gazing, at least) is one of those things that I think just about everyone wants to do, much like etymology. Just stick a telescope into someone's hands or give them a book full of rich anecdotes about their family's history and then they are happy.

However, these days things are different. The city, Bellville/Stellenbosch, has much more light pollution and you can't really see that many stars. They do seem pathetically countable now. Indeed, sometimes I wonder whether whether more than the planets are visible on some evenings. That, coupled with my degraded eyesight, make me wonder whether I'll (soon) see such a spectacle – a sandy beach in the sky - again.

This week I've been a bit sick with the flu. On Thursday I felt terrible, but since then I've been systematically getting better. I'm still not 100% well, but it’s not as bad as it was. It does, however, provide a convenient excuse for slacking off (and complaining, unfortunately) the past week and weekend.

Last week I hosted a 30 Seconds evening at the flat. It was really nice and I think everyone really enjoyed themselves. On Tuesday I had a gambling evening at a friend's. The boys played dress-up and donned their leather and/or Sunday bests to try and win the pot. We played Texas Hold 'em, but I'm not as impressed by the whole ESPN World Poker Tournament thing as other people are, so I don't care and just went to enjoy myself. Needless to say, I guess, I was the first one out. Unfortunately no-one won the whole pot and it had to be split. Plus a couple of guys got really very drunk and the host was not terribly pleased about that. Ah, alcohol...

This coming Tuesday I have a bowling evening with the Mathematics class. It was really random being invited, because I'm not even in that class, but the class is very small by the third year and I guess I'm just adding variety. Again, bowling is not my greatest strength, so again there is going to be no expectations, only self-measurement. It should be fun though.

Today was a gorgeous day! I almost went for a jog again, but I didn't because I still have a bit of flu stuck in me. I starting to feel more and more compelled to start jogging again, so maybe, one of these days, when I'm better and its not too cold, I'll set out again on the road. Anything to keep the old hart beating... Anyway, like I was saying, it was a great day and I wish I could've capitalized on it and escaped somewhere with someone and just enjoy the day away from the home. Last week was just as spectacular: I don't know, it just had a feel to it! As I was driving back to the flat in the afternoon, I nearly skipped the Stellenbosch turn-off from the highway and just kept on driving into the day until night fell. But I had to go get ready for the evening, so it wasn't too bad going back to Stellenbosch. I felt very good and was singing along to the music in the car, but as I passed the prison (there is a minimum security prison a block away from the flat where I live), I saw something I didn't expect at all. It was a mother holding a small child standing by the fence of the prison, crying. Obviously it was a wife or a girlfriend and a child of one of the inmates. There was no joy to be found on that fantastic day. Instead there was mourning for the absence of a loved one. It was really one of those moments that made you stop and think, because I always use to look at the inmates working in the vegetable garden and thinking “good riddance, they are paying their debt to society!”. But even they have loved ones and are missed, despite of what they might have done. There is always more than one side of a story.

So ends another day. I have a feeling this week could be a hectic one, so good luck to you!

The "I" in Team

2006-07-28T21:18:00.000+02:00

Finally, the first weekend of the semester is here! And not too soon... it was really starting to get to me. And not just me: they hit us with a bang in the B.Sc. Department.

Walking into the class, the notorious “Fluid Mechanics”, you could see this was going to be a try last haul. I'm already behind and will have to go read up on some old work to get a better background for this stuff. Worst of all, we only did the appendices this past week: the fluid mechanics are still to come! The other Applied Mathematics subject, Optimization, seems okay thus far.

But, even though it would seem logic to focus on the Maths now, I find myself rather consumed by Computer Science. Understandable, maybe, seeing as how it is my major. The two modules are Software Design and Networks. Of Networks, we've only had one class (mix ups and misunderstandings with between the lecturer and us) and a tutorial. In this module we have a small project about every two weeks. I recall seeing the third year students in the computer lab every time I went there last year. They'd be busy working on a Networks project and it took up a lot of their time. That seemed scary, but at least the lecturer seems pleasant (despite a few boogy-man stories I've heard about him).

Yet this all still isn't enough to hold my attention. Instead, it is the Software Design course. This one has traditionally been infamous for it's big compiler project (a compiler for an object orientated programming language which compiles to a VM), but this year the new lecturer decided (sort of, he gave us an option) to break tradition and give us a spreadsheet to develop. This is still a “big project” and we've been divided into groups of four people each to work on this project. I was lucky to end up with a group of people I know and who I know can code and do their part, so I feel good about that. We also have some nice tools to help us and I think we've made a good start, despite the fact that we're only getting the project specification after the weekend.

I however, don't have a good track record when it come to programming with a team. Back in high school we were once given a group project for groups of three. My team mates weren't the strongest coders in the class and, way in the beginning, when they were still arguing over what type of game (we had to program a board game of our choice) we should write I decided to start on my own with my own idea. The following day I showed them my progress and they were impressed. I continued on my own and eventually finished the project by myself. I didn't mind, because no-one was “in my way” and I could do whatever I want. In the end it was a nice project (it was “my” Awari game) with only one thing I was really unhappy about (the “jittering rocks”).

Then there was last year where we had the opportunity to do our database project in groups of two. I wanted to team up with Freeman, but when he decided to go solo, I also thought of doing so. This eventually turned out to be a mistake and led to some very dark moments for me, but in the end I got through it.

I don't think, however, that I am incapable of working with a group. Besides, group work is fundamental in the programming industry. I am a little hard headed and like things to go my way, true, but with a project of sufficient scope I think I can really be a team player. I just have to watch out for trying to “take over” (which is already happening to a small extent).For the Networks projects we can also work in small groups, but the spreadsheet is suppose to be THE group work project, so I'm interested to see what happens.

For those of you that are interested

2006-07-24T20:24:00.000+02:00

The new semester started like a hitting the pavement after a very high fall.

Cold Reception

2006-07-23T20:22:00.000+02:00

As far as moving (packing) goes, I'm not getting any faster at it.

Moving home after last semester, the trip to Jozi, coming back home and moving back to the flat at Stellenbosch, I always leave at the latest possible time; even late. I don't know whether it is simple laziness, procrastination or reluctance to leave. It steals relaxation time but, meh, as long as I'm ready before the plane leaves or university starts again...

Just as I left and got on the highway it started raining cats and dogs. I wasn't looking forward to unpacking in this weather, but, thankfully, just as I pulled up to the flat, it stopped raining. I got everything in the house and went to a computer lab to use the internet. Sitting there in the nearly empty room with humming Dell machines I was overcome with the sense of impending academic responsibility. It was very disheartening to experience that. Though it might also just have been the stuffy conditioned air. Whatever it was, it was the varsity monster's breath as he chuckled whilst beckoning the hapless students closer and closer. Its less like a siren's call and more like a butch, emotionless prison guard telling a condemned prisoner that its time.

Okay, enough fatalism for tonight then. Tonight is apparently going to be the coldest night in the Cape for this winter thus far. So was last night. Are we starting to see a trend here? I hope not. There's been some snow around Ceres and many people flocked today to go see it today. I predicted that this year there will be snow on the Stellenbosch mountains again. This has yet to come (I think), but if that happens, it is going to be very, very cold.

Ah, I miss the under floor heating Nikki's home has!

BlogBlogBlog

2006-07-22T15:18:00.000+02:00

I usually don't mention other blogs here, even though there are a few friends' blogs I link to in my links page. I don't however, belong to some tight-knit ring of bloggers and I am continually striving for anonymity and ignorance (if that even makes sense...). Lately, though, there have been renewed efforts by a couple of friends at continuing and enhancing their blogging efforts. This would involve a new website (or blog host), a new design and, maybe, another language. Sparrows has set up shop at http://bloute.avesse.net/ and Wunderseun at http://ludipan.spaces.msn.com/. Personally I'll stick with this old cave or box or inner sanctum or whatever this site reminds you of, but I hope everyone finds their inspiration at their new base of operations!

Being curious and bored, I linked to some links of links from one of these sites and found a link to yet another person bitching and moaning about blogs with the cleverly entitled “Why I Hate Personal WebLogs”. Yay, a blog links to an anti-blog page! Irony! :-) Its all just HTML to me... no, seriously, everyone has a right to their own opinion. That is the internet's best and worse feature. Everything else is a subset of either the pro-view or the con-view, but both the pro and con co-exists, no matter who you are.

One of the first anti-blog sentiments I came across (barring the people who had, up to that point still, written it off as geek stuff), was this cartoon. That was funny and in my, perhaps slightly twisted view, done tastefully. Other people just complain and complain a lot. Anyway, here is my view on people who complain about blogs: people who complain about blogs are as part of a clique as people who have blogs. They are usually the people who are against everything that are popular. As with the piece of writing in question, I can go sit down and list every conceivable type of person who hates blogs as a negatively named group and elaborate on that, but I won't, partly because this is not what I'm trying to write here and partly because I'm not going to take part in their petty vendetta. Anyway, what I mean is this: think of the punks who originally started to rebel against The Establishment and yadda yadda yadda. They started out as radical rogues, but later they were joined by other people and, eventually, an entire sub-culture was formed. Now, in a certain mindset, I would be “cool” to become a punk. There are other examples, but the pattern is clear: rebels form their own pop group. When you speak out so completely subjectively and negatively about something like, for instance, blogs or 7de Laan, you are trying to impress someone. These people seek attention, just like many bloggers seek attention by inviting other people for a glimpse into their personal lives.

The internet's vices and virtues stand. Deal with it. I don't actively read other people's blogs (apart from a couple of friends') because I either find them boring and disappointing or they annoy me excessively. I've tried it, but 98% of the time it comes back to what I have just mentioned. I'm not saying that there aren't any good blogs out there, but I'm not going to spend my time finding and reading them.

And I don't expect anyone to feel any different about this blog. I do this purely for personal reasons and without any expectations. No-one will ever completely and truly understand why I do this or what it means to me. This website as a whole has become a hobby for me. And if you have a problem with that, then (to hell with freedom of speech), screw you. And not just for me, but if you attack anyone who wants to write or share or whatever they hope to achieve with their blogs.

The internet is a twisted place. The best way to deal with it is to stay away from twisted people (al be it bloggers, blog haters or apathetics). And that's up to you: no-one else is going to protect you (effectively, even if they try).

Aeroplane

2006-07-21T22:20:00.000+02:00

The end of my holiday came as a 20-odd meter walk to the boarding gate, stopping three times to turn around and have a final wave goodbye at Nikki.

Writing this I am on the plane (yup-pie) back to Cape Town after a wonderful week staying at Nikki's. We haven't seen each other since January and probably won't again until December. It was great to see her again and, although we didn't go out as much as last time, I got to meet a few of her friends and also meet up again with a couple of old friends of mine who were lost to Gauteng.

It got me bad, leaving this time. Last time was hard: we had literally just started going out, but this time we had the weight of a passed long wait, and of a coming long wait, on us.

My holiday is now, as far as I am concerned, officially over. Tomorrow I have to start packing and go shopping again for provisions to help me survive the initial shock of my (hopefully) final pre-graduate semester. Sunday is going to be more packing, driving and then, finally, unpacking.

Asked, am I ready to start the new semester, I had to admit that I am not as much ready as I was earlier in the holiday. At the beginning I had to grind my teeth at the lack of having anything “productive” to do. Eventually I found some things to keep my interest, finished or lost interest in them and then went up to Johannesburg which was the highlight of the whole endeavour. Because of that, I guess I started to relax for the first time. I had been vegging and unwinding a lot leading up to the trip, but this was what a holiday should be.

Again Johannesburg offered me a strange combination of caution and hospitality. Having once heard that a poll showed that Cape Town was the second or third most unfriendly major city in South Africa, I couldn't believe it and just dismissed the piece of useless trivia. But the general degree of service (with a smile) up in Joburg seemed almost alien to me. So, the question stands: do you prefer friendly people in a dangerous and crime-ridden place or slightly less friendly people in a slightly safer place? Of course that is not what determines a home (except for some of the chicken-runners), but it helps. The truth is that I wanted to go home, because home is home and that won't change. But I also wanted to stay, even if just for a little longer... alas, the holiday has been stretched as far as it could (except if you are my brother).

What did strike me about Johannesburg is how impersonal many of the homes are. Almost all houses are surrounded by 2m high walls and many times this wall is very close or part of the actual house itself. This means that you can't stand back, look at the front of your house and take a deep and satisfying breath as you look at your home. This is in contrast to my house which still has an open yard.

The Transvaal, also, is too weird for me: it’s cold in the winter but only rains in the summer. This goes against all what I know about seasons. In winter it should be cold and it should rain (or snow). In summer, it should be warm and there should be clear skies.

Having been apart for so long, and then together for only such a short period, meant Nikki and I mostly spent our time together and passed the time with pleasantries. We did talk about some of the issues that laid heavy on me, but the majority of it all still hasn't been resolved. Knowing you only have a day or two left before another six month gap, you don't want to step on the other person's toes. Long distance relationships suck.

I was well taken care of and I want to thank Nikki for everything she did for me. I wish I could have stayed longer. Have an awesome semester, Nikki, and I hope all your upcoming hard work will really pay off in the end. See you on the other side! Bye babes.

PS The redone website is so very nearly finished it brings tears to my eyes. The biggest jobs left still are to complete the commenting functionality (which isn't very urgent, apparently :-P ) and to convert the “Blogger” posts into the format I'll use. That is going to take some time, so scratch what I said previously about it maybe going up at the end of the holiday.

Where is my fast car?

2006-07-05T00:14:00.000+02:00

You feel like you could just take the highway and drive and drive until you can't anymore; drive so that the street lights flood over your face, ebb and flow, until it washes away and only the darkness remains. Just forsake everything and dissapear in your own thoughts.

But you can't. And then you end up right back here. Where its safe and comforting. And where all the plagues and haunts you lies.

I'm sorry, I should stop with the cryptic posts. But there are still some things I can't admit to my audience.

Happy Anniversary

2006-07-03T21:04:00.000+02:00

Today is my folks' 35th wedding anniversary. I found this out when I asked her why she wanted to go eat out tonight. I know, I'm a bad son. Egg on my face. I've been very ignorant and lax this year... Mother's Day, Father's Day, anniversary... *wheezing cough* But, in my defence, where I may be allowed one, anniversary's aren't big for my folks. And, if they are, they've never let on so that I've noticed. We usually just go out to dinner, no big hoo-ha, no party and, if my parents exchange gifts, its not really earth moving stuff.

Thirty five years. That's a long time. Its a milestone, but its still not 50. I guess I just mean that, while 35 years is longer than I've been alive (thankfully), it still doesn't seem that awfully long to me. Guess that's because I still live with the idea of a happily ever after.

But 35 can be a very long time, even if it is a subset of your life. I'm sure the bulk of the first 25 were happy for my folks, but ever since my dad's strokes, it has been very hard on everyone, but especially on my mother (haven't I told that story already? If not, stay tuned for a future episode...). Your folks change (at least in your perception of them) as you grow up and into adulthood, but some people, like myself, realize that it is not only the perception itself that has changed people: its also the long months and years of struggling forwards while the past fades away more and more quickly.

But 35 years, regardless, is no minor achievement, so I salute my parents and thank them for everything, even through the trying times. Good luck forward and here's to the next 35!

Happy Holidays

2006-06-30T12:40:00.000+02:00

My mood has been slowly declining over the past week or so. My listlessness is getting me down. Being on holiday and wanting to do something but not doing it is like spending your life afraid of death or the end of the world: when it come, you've spent all your time cowering, even though you couldn't prevent the end by doing it, and little or no time enjoying your life.

Its been rather quiet for a while now. I've been working on rebuilding the website. A few days ago I got a couple of ideas and renewed interest in working on it. It being a hobby, I guess I can't really say I have done nothing. It's nice to see things come together, especially on with a website, because it requires much less underlying coding before you start to see results. I still have a bit left to do before I would want to put up the new stuff. Maybe by the end of the holiday. It just amazes me at how its the absolute tinyest things that takes the most time to get to work. But, I believe that is not uncommon...

I only work on the website for a couple of hours a day, though. The rest is spent, wasted, on loafing. It is what I wanted, but it gets to you after a while. Heh, I didn't look for work, I could've volunteered at a soup kitchen or something but I didn't... a fine example of a human being.

I'm sorry, I guess I just have a little bit of the blues. It's from a few different sources, but the mental wallowing caused by the isolation enhances it all.

But I'm not the only one. Over the past few months and weeks I have seen some of my friends transform and bare a side everyone mostly keeps to themselves. Not people to worry about relationships and such “in the open”, lately everyone seems to be in the grips of infatuation. And love, as some claim. Everything from recent attractions to old crushes are now drifting up to the surface. Strong people have suddenly become vulnerable and nervous about the smallest details. I can't help but smile in comprehension, because I've also layed awake at night worrying about the most inconsequential things imaginable.

But, in the early twenties, the feel about all this is different than it was during the school years. While nobody I know is planning anything major, the future is in the back of the mind many times. That, and the awareness of the first peers have already fallen to engagements, marriage and children. We are still young and we don't want to think about whether someone is “the one”, but you can't help it and, at some point, you have to consider it. After a sufficient time to have fun, some might say. But then there are those of us who always jump the gun.

So it's relationship worries abound, but my concerns are beyond the scope of everyone else's. I wish everyone good luck with their endeavours. Don't over-think it, go with the flow and be patient, but don't be passive. May everyone get their piece of happiness. May I get my answers.

After the weekend a few friends are leaving for a road trip to Johannesburg. I only found out about this yesterday, but it doesn't matter as it doesn't concern me. But it is going to mean that the loneliness is going to fester further as my communication void will be complete. More silence. It forces you to think. But you don't want to think. But you have to. I must concerntrate.

On a completely different note: I've decided I'm going to take Fluid Dynamics next semester in stead of Computational Physics 3. I believe the latter will be much, much easier than the former, although it will also require a lot of work. But, with Fluid Dynamics I shall have an additional “major”. It also appears to me that many applications of mathematics draws on Fluid Dynamics. Its going to be hard and at times I'm going to regret the decision, but at the end it will be worth it.

Another Day Foiled

2006-06-21T12:40:00.000+02:00

For the whole week thus far we have been having really nice weather. The weather has actually been nice for two weeks now. I have been rather successful in following my resolution to properly veg for the start of the holiday, but I had a little guilt feeling of spending my days indoors when it was so lovely outside. The problem is getting up so late: if you haven't been outside before noon, then it's hopeless. So, today I had planned on going out a bit; not necessarily going somewhere specifically, but just getting out. An early wake-up effectively crushed that resolve, because now I'm so hazy I'd maybe fall asleep in the mall if I'd sit down somewhere. And, to boot, today it's cloudly and on-and-off rainy: stay-in-doors weather, what I've been hoping for for the past two weeks. Meh, like the 24-hour diet: I'll do it tomorrow.

Today is the winter solstice down here in the southern hemisphere: winter is half-way. For me, this is good news, because I'm a summer guy. As I've recently started to admit, all seasons have a charm and get tedious after a while, but I prefer the warmer weather and longer days. So far we haven't had a mind-blowing amount of rain, so the wet is still to come, unless we're going to have another drought, grr. At the start of the season I predicted it to be a cold one. Apparently the past two years that I've been on Stellenbosch and freezed my arse off it hasn't been as cold as it usually gets. But the cold is good for the grapes, apparently...

Today Nikki and her folks leave for Florida, USA. Well, the first stop-over is London, but, yeah, well, they're going to Orlando. So, for the next two weeks my cellphone is going to be reasonably quiet, which is going to accentuate this feeling of a communication void I've been getting again. When she gets back, I'll go up to see her for about a week. When I get back, I should have about half a week's holiday left ;-) So, Nikki, enjoy the trip, relax, fly safe and bon voyage!

Is it June already??

2006-06-03T23:53:00.000+02:00

BWahaha!! Bwaha - *cough, cough* - ahahaa!!

Yes, I am the sickly, elderly old mad scientist that finally, finally, after all these decades, killed the super hero and is actually going to take over the world by pressing the big red button. Everything is perfect, except for the fatal stroke I am about to have...

For those of you who just tuned in and is a little confused: no, I am not sick or elderly, yes, I am a fledgeling scientist, the madness is still in dispute. I was merely trying to make a point: I feel great in the sense that my first semester of the year is *very nearly almost* over, but, alas, it came at a very steep price.

And, no, I did not hope to win the Nobel Literature Prize with that little piece of writing above.

So, to recap, I have now finished my exams, but still need to do one report for Coding Theory and then I am officially on holiday. Except if I have to do a re-examintion. Yes, boys and girls, it's that time again where I now say I peace about what I so affectionately call: My Exam (Part V).

What was really remarkable and noticible with this exam was my total lack of motivation or will to study. I know nobody is ever really "in the mood", but at the very least I can always muster that last bit of energy and perceverance to push through the last few week. This time... it wasn't so much so. I could cite my usual reasons and speculations, but I won't. I don't actually know what the reasons or changes was. Best bet: burnt out. Meh. I started off with Cryptology. One subject, two part, three lecturers. It was okay-ish, but I'd be lied if I say I was happy with how I wrote. The next day I wrote Numerical Methods. This one was going to be interesting, because this lecturer has a nack of putting questions in a paper that leaves of thinking "Huh?". Not that they are necessarily difficult, but, well, yeah. This one wasn't so bad though. If your expectations are low, you are easily satisfied.

A week later we wrote Operating Systems. I had about half a week to prepare for it, but all my goofing off eventually caught up with me. (There was also the matter of Nikky and I having a little fall out, but things are pretty patched up now, so it wasn't anything terminal. Still, in the moment, this didn't help my situation.) It wasn't bad, but it wasn't good. Then, last night, ha, was the crown jewel! Theoretical Computer Science! When the semester started I thought I was going to loath this subject. I quickly warmed to it, though, although the lecturer, I believe, didn't ever really warm very much to me. She... no, lets not go there. She is good though. (Side note: I think I once drove the Computer Science lecturer to tears. Does that count as some type of rite of passage somewhere? Some people had grief about the lecturer, others with the course and others with the department. The words weren't always very... objective. This did, however, spark a brief, what I believe to be constructive, debate. I hope something will be learnt from this, but maybe more on that on another occasion. Or not. Eh.) Anyway, back to the Theoretical Computer Science paper. This lecturer has slightly higher standards than the rest. The pro is a quality, though harsh, education. The con is that her papers are of slightly higher standard and she grades strictly. Since coming to university I have made the observation many a time that the tests and examinations aren't what I would objectively describe as difficult. If you study hard and understand the work, you'll do well, let alone pass. Sure, there has been a few above and below the line, but I think last night was a bit more above the line than usual. Still, the paper probably wasn't that bad, but considering the circumstances (we had very little time to study) it was not nice. I felt very bad while writing (40 blank marks staring back at you after to first pass through the 70 mark paper), but when I finished I didn't feel so bad. This was, in part, due again to what I call the Mutual Suffering Effect. To explain: you feel slightly better when you realise the others wrote just as badly as you did as opposed to just you writing badly.

So, in summary: the results of this exam is going to be interesting! :-D We'll wait patiently and see. Time to recline a bit now.

Yay, finally got the laptop (at first there was a problem with the hard drive, but everything seems a-okay now). In fact, this is my first post written on the laptop. Ya-hoo! It was but one of the things that battled with the books for my attention during the exam. In won many times. But, the novelty is wearing off and it is starting to settle into its role as a mere tool.

Have I become a yuppy? When the year started, I had no cellphone (it was stolen, remember?), staying at home (although it was the holiday, so that is entirely legit) and accessed our dail-up internet with much grief and guilt due to the ever present awareness of The Telephone Bill. Now, I'm sitting in my room at the flat, comfortable in my black high-back leather chair typing on my newly acquired laptop. Later I'll want to check my e-mail. I can do this either by using my fancy cellphone by going to the WAP site for my e-mail provider or I can hook up the cellphone to the laptop and voila: free wireless (al be it slow and unrelyable) internet. The other day I caught myself working on the laptop while taking a call with my cellphone and receiving a SMS at once. I might as well also have had to laptop hooked up to my PC and transferring data on my own little LAN.

Is this me? Am I that important? Have I become some sort of big shot? A playa? No. I'm still who I was. I'm still an undergraduate student at the University of Stellenbosch. I'm still don't have a job for some income. I still have issues and stuggles. But, could I be turning into what I don't want to be? Someone so wholly reliant on technology and possessions that he can't function without it? At the beginning of the year I noticed how "alone" and "disconnected" I felt without my cellphone. I only got a few SMS's from Nikky a day and once in a while from someone else, but I felt so disconnected... But, I think I'll be much worse I this cellphone gets stolen. I'll still feel disconnected, even with an older model phone, because I have grown so use to checking my e-mail, Googling, reading Wikipedia, BBC News and checking out bulletin boards on my phone whenever and wherever I want. Call, in bed, whatever. Isn't this mobility restricting me more? Is it really freeing me? I don't think so. It's nice and convenient, but that doesn't mean it's good for you. I'm still going to continue to use it, though. As long as I remember that it is merely an expendable tool, I'll be alright.

All these things have come so quickly. Can I afford them? Also, it is much easier to loose than to gain. Will this all soon be taken away from me? Is there a lesson-in-waiting laying in this whole situation? I don't know. Time will tell. Until then, I must remember that all this is fleeting and just stuff. Oh, and no, I'm not happier with all of it than I was without.

It's June. It's winter. It's cold and dark. The year is very nearly dead center. What do I have to show for it? Not a whole lot. All my ambitious plans lie in tatters. I did not expect the semester to take so much out of me. To steal so much me from me. Stronger resolve for the next semester? It's all we have: continuing on and trying again.

I'm staying at the flat till next week sometime. I need to finish this final project and then I want to take the laptop to have it registered at the university. That might take a day or two. I also want to get around to friends before everyone disperses for the holiday. I guess I'll be at home for most of it. No big plans. If I don't have to do a re-examination, I'll have nearly two month's worth of holiday. Aah...

Can someone just help me with my somethings? Someone has to have the answer. Even if nobody has it, someone must be able to approximate it really well. Answers: that'll most likely make me happier. Or, at least, put me on the path to it.

Mayday + 15

2006-05-16T21:06:00.000+02:00

I'm sick. I've done well up until now: I haven't been ill since the beginning of the semester, even when everyone else got tackled to the ground.

I think I'm having withdrawal symptoms from work ;-) Oh, and the fact that the "season of public holidays" have passed in sunny South Africa. The timing is great, though, because I have finished most of my projects and tests for the semester. I have a LaTeX test tomorrow, but I'm not sweating it. My image "compressor" (hehe), "my" operating system and the cryptology project have all been handed in. Everything, academic wise, is winding down. Now comes the exams and then the sweet uncertain void of the June holidays. Classes end on Friday, I write my first subject on the 26th and finish on the 2nd. Hopefully everything will go well... my predicate marks don't look too bad.

The further along the quarter went, the more the quality of my work deteriorated. This is not me. Guess I have some reflection to do on this, although I have been having trouble reflecting/focusing on something of late. Yay for me.

So, that's my story for the past two months: work. Not much more to tell. I'm getting a laptop on Thursday! Woohoo! It's a pretty low-end laptop, but I don't mind: I just want it for work and for portable-storage benefit. And I'm getting it for real cheap: R3500! That's almost half have the price of a low-end laptop you see in the ads that come with the newspaper. The most people I know who have laptops have either had their laptops stolen or break, so the whole "cheap laptop" thing was a big sale for me.

Got free internet at the flat! I connect through my cellphone... it's GPRS, so it's very slow and I can only browse and download, but it's better than nothing.

The other day I wrote Numerical Methods and it was a butchery. But I didn't feel too bad about it, because it was something special: there was mutual suffering in the class. It was a 40 mark, 60 minute test. Another hour was added to the test, but it didn't help most people much, so :-P
It's hard to go out with people at the moment, because it is simply that time of the semester that everyone is busy and stressed.

Language debate at Stellenbosch and "quality control" of the Computer Science Department continuing.

The year is nearly freaking half way. Freaking frick.

Other than that, not much more to say.

Not everyday is a public holiday

2006-04-30T20:26:00.001+02:00

And so another month comes to an end! This was a busy month for me... tests, projects... I'm suppose to be working on the second part of the operating system project, but for a week now I haven't been able to bring myself to work too much. The procrastination started after the last test. I didn't write too hot, but apparently I didn't do too badly, so I'm not going to complain. Just a few more weeks to push hard...

Friday I was at a friend's 21st and I must say that that might've been the best so far. The atmosphere was just so friendly: it was mostly friends from school and it felt good having all these familiar people there. Yeah, I can't let go. Of course I'm playing down on my own party and a few others from this year, but this one had a touch of zing that the others didn't.

Saturday I took the day off and headed back to Bellville. My parents are away attending the centenary celebrations of the town where I grew up - I would've liked to attend, but, alas, I couldn't/didn't. Anyway, so the idea was to spend the most of the day shopping for presents for people and the rest getting together with a friend or two. I went to Tygervalley mall and was walking around after locating the first potential present when I walked into straight into a wall. I was walking toward a bookstore when, clear as day, I recognized a friend from school, whom I hadn't seen in more than two years, walking outside the shop with her brother. After school she left to go work in Britain. We stayed in touch via e-mail for about a year and a half after which contact just... dissolved. Now she was back, permanently, studying, I didn't know and I was talking to her. Forgive my over-dramatisation, but that moment in time felt surreal. We exchanged a view brief pleasantries and a promise of going for a coffee. In a couple of weeks I'll e-mail her, and then we'll see... I would've probably held it against her for not letting me know what's been going on this past six months and that she's back, but after continuing to drift through a cloud of surrealility for the rest of the day (and going to talk to someone - no-one that was suppose to contact me did so) I realised how completely selfish I was for a long time. I gained a few more insights and eventually decided it's not worth hold any grudges and that she doesn't deserve it. Like I said, we'll see what happens in a couple of weeks and what happens happens... It was strange that, after that encounter, I saw/ran into a lot of people I know or knew (of) at one point. Tygervalley is a strange beast indeed...

Earlier I saw a double rainbow... weather is getting to be pretty. Try finding something you like in each season instead of stubbornly clinging to a favourite season.

If finally moved the site to the new server... I think I'm not going to care too much about what domain name it is under. Sorry to all the loyal fans that won't be able to find this site again... :-P Currently it's very patch-worky, I know, but I'm working on a "new" photo gallery and after that is up... some new graphics? I'm also thinking of making a slight move into abstraction (without redoing the entire layout), but I'm not too sure how that'll work. Meh, we'll see, in time...

Deep breath; the second shift starts.

Yellow Tuna Trees

2006-04-06T23:57:00.000+02:00

When I consider the short duration of my life, swallowed up in the eternity before and after, the little space I fill, and even can see, engulfed in the infinite immensity of space of which I am ignorant, and which knows me not, I am frightened, and am astonished at being here rather than there, why now rather than then.

-Tom Waits

The Price Of Not Praying For Someone

2006-04-04T22:35:00.000+02:00

March came and went and so did the first quarter of varsity. It was but a few days ago that I commented to someone that I don't feel the time racing by so quickly. Time seemed to progress at a reasonable pace and I was happy about it. At round about the last week, I guess, that changed. Now, as I am sitting here on a week-long holiday, time seems to be accelarating at a blinding pace. Scratch that, it's like time travel. Maybe it's just tonight, but suddenly I have this feeling of things starting to pile up.

Today I went to see if I can find out how things are with an old friend. This is a guy I've known for more than 10 years and someone I regard as a sort of mentor, even though I have been a very difficult and stubborn student. So, I went to his flat, because his cellphone is off and the landline seems to be dead. When I arrive at the door, I immediately knew something was wrong, even before I came to the door and could see the renevations going on inside. After a quick chat with the foreman, I knew that my friend had dissapeared several months ago (although I'm reasonably sure he was still around two months ago), but that the foreman had no idea who my friend was or what happened to him. I raced home and called someone I believed would know where my friend is, and he told me that my friend had moved back to Namibia.

Needless to say, this came as quite a shock, but I wasn't too surprised. I knew my friend was going through a very rough spot and was very worried about him for a while. I remember he sent me an e-mail informing me of his new e-mail address, so I guess it's my fault for being out of the loop. Being busy is an awefully lame excuse. Anyway, so I'm sitting here typing this blog entry instead on an e-mail to him, but that's who I am, I guess: always introspective first.

Of course I am sad that my friend has left and I'll admit I feel a tiny bit lost. This was a person I could confide anything, bar none, in. He was always willing to help and to listen and even though I was selfish in the way I kept contact, I feel I have been severed from a lifeline. Apparently he's coming back to Cape Town in May, but probably only to tie up loose ends and to see some people. But now, in my perpetual egotistical en narcissitic manner, I have to ask: could I have done something or help in some way? After all, I knew (partly, at least) what was going on and could guess his level of frustration and dismay with people around him. Could I have done something, if not to keep him here, but to relieve a bit what was going on with him? Listen to me, ranting on again. I'm not even sure under which circumstances he left, but the manner he left tells me I'm on the ball this time. Anyway, I feel a tiny bit of guilt. Knowing he was in anguish, he was not as often in my prayers as he should have been. I believe in praying for friends and family. Not only for those that are in need, but also for those for whom things are going well. For me, it keeps a net of safety, from my side, around them. Whether they want it or not or care about it or not, it's there. Being in this extended drought that I am in, I negelect some of these duties far too often that I would like. There are no excuses. I once heard of a woman that prayed for all the members of her family by the name every single day. She had quite a large family, so that showed a large degree of commitment. More than anything, though, love. It's a practise that is neither the alpha nor the omega, but somewhere inbetween that is just as significant.

Can a group's prayers save a person's life? Yes, I have witnessed it myself. Can a single person's prayer safe another's life? That I have yet to see. But that's just me. Does praying for people on a day-to-day basis make a difference? I believe so. It's not the words, however that are important; rather it's a wholly commited communication of what is felt in the heart, believed in the soul and commited in the mind. It's not suppose to be a simple day task or chore: it is a gift and awesome experience (through pain, joy and frustration), because in it's outerly simplicity lies hidden the most awesome human right there exsists.

It's not just this person, but I feel people drifting away from me at an ever increasing speed.

I wanted to get a revamped site up by the end of the holiday. Now I'll be lucky if I even get as far as switching servers. Don't loose heart, though: watch this space.

The 12th's hat-trick

2006-03-14T15:36:00.000+02:00

Sunday the 12th of March, 2006, was memorable for many people for different reasons. It was a day of glory and defeat, joy and sorrow, pride and tragedy. It was a day of personal milestones and a day where the road ended for some.

On the 12th, Nikki and I celebrated our third anniversary of dating each other. Although we were very far apart and both home locked for the majority of the day, we had concocted a story and romantic fable of how we would have spent the day, given the luxury of each other's company and being care-free. Thanx babe, I enjoyed it and I miss you a lot!!

Certain milestones, however, pale when compared to others, al be it in different contexts. I was out in the yard (if you can call it that) latish in the afternoon when I heard tremendous cheering and shouting. A game, I thought, and the fefizulu made me think it must have been a soccer game. Rugby, at least, seeing as how the Super 14 (?) is still on. But, oh, how ignorant I was! Later when my mom phoned me, she shared with me the news, knowing there isn't a TV in the flat. The news stunned me completely and I am unable to put what I felt into words, because in a couple of minutes I went through all the emotions every South African watching the cricket had experience over a period of several hours.

Right about here it's gets difficult to explain. If you know the game of cricket and follow international events concerning it, you probably already know. If you don't know cricket and the stand of things, I not going to explain it. But, anyway, here's what happened:

South Africa played the “best (limited overs) game in history” against arch rivals Australia.

And won.

Gloriously.

Things looked grim right from the start as Australia obliterated our bowlers. Boundaries poured like driving rain and by the end of their innings they were confident and smug as hell (I think Australians are worse than Americans – like Americans, they believe they are better than everyone else, but unlike Americans, they are actually aware of everyone else and occasionally go to them and then tell them they are superior), having an record highest score for a single 50 overs innings: 434. When the South Africans had to take to the bat, they had to cross Mount Everest with a moped. In two and a half hours.

South Africans are very pessimistic sport supporters. If a South African team makes a mistake near the start or at the middle of the game, the whole game is written off as “lost”. But, a South African team can fight back hard and the cricket team did so despite early losses of wickets. We were chasing a score of 435: that is more than eight runs per over (that is, we had to score 1.45 runs for every ball “thrown” from the start of the game). As the number of overs reached 50, the suspense grew exponentially, because, above all reasonable expectations, South Africa closed the gap. One over left with one wicket in hand and six runs needed turned into two balls left, no wickets in hand and the scores tied.

South Africa is considered as “chokers” in the international cricket community, because seven years ago, in the Cricket World Cup semi-final, we faced Australia and, against severe odds, we tied the score in an epic game. Then, we choked. A run out ended the game, and although it was a tie, we lost due to other reasons. It was epic and I shall never forget it, even though we lost.

Sunday we didn't choked. Boucher hit a four to win the match – with one ball left! The country erupted. Not only did we win against all odds, but the best ranked cricketing nation in the world failed to defend the highest score ever made; against us. “434? Is that all you can do??”

The greatest game in history. And I missed it. I was asleep when Kennedy was shot. I was painting the back porch when the moon landing occurred. History was made several times over in one day as records crumbled and a team was redeemed a million times over for every mistake and transgression ever made. I doubt if a game like that will ever be played in my lifetime again.

The following day I tried to make up by buying newspapers and drooling over the result on-line. Maybe I can find a series of tapes with the match on – it'll be worth it!

But that was not the most significant event of the day. While a nation celebrated, a family grieved. My brother's wife's grandfather died on Sunday. Even though I only met him a few times, it is very weird to think that he is gone. I think he was the type of grandfather a naïve child could easily think of as being there forever. I know his family will mourn him for a long time. My condolences, and I wish I could have known him better.

Too Late?

2006-03-09T21:52:00.000+02:00

This might be the first post people have seen in a long time. If all goes well, I would have fixed the problem with the index page and people would be able to navigate here, as opposed to have telepathically know which address would have brought them here directly.

Two, three, maybe more weeks. That's how late this post is. No, it's not a summary of going ons (it's been work, mostly :-P ). Rather, it's been a topic that has been affecting may people severely. A few weeks ago, the Cape started suffering from massive power-outages as repair began/continued/whatever on our only nuclear power plant. You might have heard about it, along with lavishly romantic stories about Al-Qaeda sabotage etc. Fact is some poor dolt left a bolt in there after repairs at the end of last year and since then its just not been purring like it use to. The power company went on a massive search to find "a new part". The problem is that there aren't that many nuclear power plant spare parts out there, and those that are are kept closely by their owners for in case some poor dolt leaves a bolt in one of the reactors after maintenance work... My cousin had suggested they try Ebay, but I thought they should have just picked up the latest copy of the Hacker's Black Book. Well, whatever they did, in the end, they found a new part, replaced it and now things seem to be better. Now, there hasn't been a whole lot of concrete news and hard facts that came the public's way; most are wild rumours and heresy. But a little birdie whispered that on the ninth, today, the fixed reactor's license expires and it is required to shut down for inspection before a new one is issued. Long story, blah blah blah. Not many hard facts, except for one: the whole black-out story isn't over yet by a long shot.

Meanwhile Joe Public has been suffering, living by candle and (if you were lucky enough to get some) gas light. Many people have bought home generators and yes, I did foresee the demand and would have made a KILLING if I had the capital to invest in generators five months ago. Joe Economy is suffering with the loss of "billions", but that is far removed from me. I just get angry when the power goes off when my PC is still on, because that is going to screw it up one day. I've considered buying a UPS, but even if I can find one, I don't really have the money to spend. Of course, not even the mighty University of Stellenbosch is immune: when the blackouts were at their worst, I had a very chill course, because I can do basically no practical work (though not even a blackout can stop the Department of Applied Mathematics, tun-tun-duh!).
If blame was tangible, the whole Cape would have been covered in brown and smelly goo. Most people blame the power company. The ruling political party blamed the opposition of sabotage the day before the local municipal elections and I read today a columnist blaming hippies, right wing boers and terrorists, respectively (thankfully he at least was joking). I don't blame so much in this case. Maybe the tree huggers (a little) for hampering the building of new nuclear power plants, but I guess we were probably destined for this anyway. I also don't feel bad or self-pity because our little third world country is struggling so with electricity: I happen to know of the blackouts in New York and Italy just a few years ago. And there were some in Britain and Scandinavia as well, or so I hear. So, maybe this is just our right of passage. Rather have the infrastructure collapse now so it can all be rebuilt, fresh and shiny for 2010.

It's not like I'm not use to blackouts. They're not uncommon, but I have a few memories of having to do without electricity. It really is a unique experience. Here at Stellenbosch things are a little different. When the electricity goes out, some people use it as a reason to have a party. And, of course, when the power comes back on, you need to celebrate it...

If you live in a posh first world country and have never really had a blackout, I think you've kind of missed out. I don't know why, but I do. And it's not like you can simulate it: you can't turn off the mains or anything like that, because you need to know you are completely out of control. The world changes when there isn't two dozen electrical appliances beeping and humming all throughout the house. It becomes empty and very quiet.

Rantings on a Saturday Night

2006-02-18T21:21:00.000+02:00

I’ve been wondering, but I don’t recall hearing a joke that starts with “The Prophet Muhammad, blah and blah walks into a bar...” I guess I could think one up, but I’m not going to be poking an angry beast with a pointy stick at this time. Assuming there is a joke like that floating around out there and it isn’t intended to be offensive or blasphemous, would that be alright? Okay, the “bar” part might be a problem, so let’s change that to “juice bar” or something really, really neutral. Again I ask: if the joke does not mean to give offence, would we still be seeing what we see today? I mean, would the Muslim masses take to the street and threaten all things West that remotely connects to the origin of the joke? Yes and no, I think. I believe some Muslims would take to the street wielding an AK-47 for just about any reason they can find. I do also believe, however, that some have a sense of humour. You know, the ones who aren’t always angry/bitter/hateful and who believe the world should be subjected to them or at least owe them something.

I am, of course, referring to the current upheaval about the cartoons about the prophet Muhammad that were published in a Danish newspaper last year (I don’t know why it’s only erupting now). I’ve been meaning to write about this for a week now and thought that the topic would be old and stale now, but after reading today’s newspaper, I know the fight is still going strong. The problem is two-fold: in Islam, it is blasphemous to depict holy figures in drawings, paintings and the like, the least of which not being caricatures. Secondly, some of the cartoons (with reference to one in particular) where very stereotypical about the West’s view of Muslims which is, bottom line, offensive, even to the non-zealots.

Being true to tradition, the West has very neatly summarized everything and placed it into pretty little categories: freedom of speech vs. respect of other nations and religions. Very tidy: something that makes for a good old fashioned debate in churches, schools, universities, water coolers and cigarette breaks. The West likes to believe they are very open minded, so everything is tolerated and considered for a while. Well, that’s what the ideology says.

Here’s a very concise version of what I think is the dirty little truth. Europe doesn’t like having to have non-Europeans in their midst. We saw it with the Jews and today we see it with the Muslims. They just don’t like throwing their doors open to strange folk who come in with strange customs and religions and eventually threaten their way of life. The problem is that the minorities aren’t minor anymore. Remember Paris? After September 11 some people feel that Arabs are free game for ridicule and blame and I guess a constant search for attacks on them eventually led to “The Cartoons”.

Muslims, on the other hand, just love to play the victim card. Wait, that’s more the Palestinians, but the fact is that they just love a good old rally with posters and protests and stuff. They are so sick and tired of everyone and everything else. The truth is that if the immigration situation was reversed (Europeans flooding the Arabian countries), the Europeans would probably have been treated just as worse, if not more. It’s a question of identity and “birds of a feather, flock together”. As a rule of thumb, different cultures aren’t compatible.

Freedom of Speech is a joke. There is no country in the world that has total freedom of speech. Some are just worse than others. To my knowledge, only “interregnum Germany” (pre-NAZI) briefly had total freedom of speech (i.e. absolutely no censorship whatsoever). Censorship is needed to protect against things like (child-) pornography and to protect governments from complots that sprout from dissent. Freedom of speech does not exist, so don’t ever come crying crocodile tears by me about it.

I am not a supporter of the Muslims, on the contrary. I do believe that some people are dealing with this in a proper and honourable manner, but that the most are irrational and vindictive. I also believe that certain things just shouldn’t be done.

Reading the newspaper today, I found an article entitled “Is it okay to hate Jews again?”. The article focused the growing amount of anti-Semitism that can be found not only among the protesting Muslims (apparently Jews should be blamed for the Danish cartoons...) but also among middle to upper class Westerners. As the author said, anti-Semitism flourished in Europe for nearly 2000 years and then just disappeared after the Holocaust (which is being contest anew by both Muslims and Westerners). It was probably unrealistic to think that it was gone for good, but the fact is that Jews and Israel are taking flak from multiple sides now. For me that’s just very sad, especially after I personally heard an anti-Semitic comment being made.

The problem is that issues are very rarely, if every, neatly catagorizable. There is almost always a myriad of other underlying issues.

I don’t want to say anything more about this issue. I’ve said more or less what I want. I’ll probably regret it or want to add or re-write some of it later, but I won’t, because it is not my intention of getting involved in this debate. This isn’t my fight and for all I care both sides can go jump into some sort of large body of water. There is merely one issue I want to raise: why would such radical reactions never be seen from Christians? The media is littered with blasphemous comics and sayings that have become commonplace. What would happen if all the Christians take to the streets to boycott all the cartoons, movies, television shows and publications that are blasphemous? What would happen if Hollywood is given an ultimatum over it’s beloved “oh my g*d” phrase? Sadly, we’ll never find out. Besides, even if that did happen, the rest of the world just wouldn’t care and continue as they would. Indeed, we would see and increase in blasphemous material. Yay for the little world we live in!

Having been docile for a couple of months now, it seems the bird flu scare is back with a vengeance: Nigeria, France, Germany and Egypt, amongst others, within a week? This is getting interesting.

I got a new phone last week! Yay. I’m terrible sorry, but I just had to mention that. It’s a Sony Ericsson K750i: the one I really wanted! This is the first time I have ever had a top-of-the-line (that I care about) phone. I’m not planning on turning into a yuppie now, but I am enjoying the GPRS and Java while the novelty still lasts (and it still does).

This evening feels very strange. Up until just now the streets felt unnervingly quiet. In Bellville the sky was filled with a thick cloud and mist blurred the near empty streets’ lights. Here, in Stellenbosch, the sky is clear and stars glisten as brightly as I haven’t seen them in a very long time. Everywhere it is very hot and I wonder why more people have not been enticed to go outside to enjoy the sweet and intoxicating summer’s night. I also have this strange feeling of having to be somewhere doing something. I know what it is, but that is just my ego and that insecure little boy inside thinking out loud. I am also aware of the things that I have not done: friends I haven’t been to see, even though I promised and have had both time and opportunity to, and university work that I feel will soon be smothering me. It’s enough to place a weight on a person’s lungs that inhibits the breathing. It would’ve been nice to talk to someone tonight.

My New Room

2006-02-06T15:14:00.000+02:00

We’ll, it’s just after three on a hot Stellenbosch Monday afternoon, I’m relaxed and settled into a new flat and behind me lies my first day back at university. Ahead of me lies angry, anguish, fear and tears, but those will come in due time. Right now I’m very comfortable with a full stomach sitting in my new high back black leather chair listening to good music. The only responsibility I have is to read a few pages from my new textbooks. Yay, new textbooks! For the first time in two years I had to go into a SHOP and BUY new textbooks. Last year we either used the books from the first year or pre-ordered everything from the respective departments. University policy changed and we no longer get cheap books (Today’s take nearly cost me about R750 ≈ $125) but I am still the envy of many economic and law students to buy textbooks until it comes out of their ears.

I’ve been wanting to make a post everyday since Thursday, but every time something came up. No, it’s not because of my hectic social schedule; on the contrary, in fact. To recap:

As Thursday progressed, it slowly turned into a rather awful day. I’ve thought about the causes a bit, especially while complaining about it to Nikki (who is sick at the moment, but still bared with me – thanks babe, and get well soon!) and it turned out that it was quite a melange of different reasons. There was the pre-start-of-university anxiety. There was the fear and resentment towards exclusionary friends. There was the resentment of other’s fortune, despite the fact that I believed that I had gotten over that a long time ago and an array of little accidents and mishaps that can conveniently be described as Murphy kicking you when you are down. I have discussed these things and reflected upon them in an e-mail to Nikki, so I’m not going to repeat myself for my own sake; it was just a really bad day that was fed by paranoia and anger.

Thursday evening was “Vensters”: plays put on but the first years’ in the hostels which is part of the yearly Rag festivities. This year was good, most of what we saw was really nice. Vensters now is sponsored by the Municipality of Stellenbosch, which means there are emergency vehicles everywhere. I saw less of them this year than last year and it might have been a little easier to get some alcohol. Other than that it was pretty normal.

Friday morning was the start of the MCM Applied Mathematical Olympiad (that was a point of resentment – I had applied for participation but wasn’t chosen, but I’m over it by now, really). Some of my friends are taking part and, upon receiving news that “it’s difficult”, another friend and I went to pay them a visit. It was a slightly more dismal sight than I had anticipated: it was a Saturday afternoon and they were slumped over computers grasping to find a working strategy or algorithm. I saw some of them again today and they say they have a solution, but they are not terribly enthusiastic about it. Knowing what the problems are, it’s probably a good thing that I wasn’t chosen. I would probably have opted to do the other problem. The competition ends tomorrow morning 03:00 (GMT +02:00) and I wish the participants good luck for this final stretch!

Friday is a blur. I can’t remember what happened. I most likely lazed about for one last time.

Saturday a friend helped me to move the big stuff (bed, desk etc.) with his dad’s bakkie, so I started to move it. We worked at a slower pace than when we could’ve and when we were finished we lazed about town, but it went well. We were quite tired by the end of it and just went home early. Yesterday was the official move and I very slowly packed up my things and loaded the car. It was already dark outside when I set off. This was mostly due to procrastination from my part, but in the end everything went smooth. My cousin and I are getting along quite well. We’re also going to be staying out of each other’s hair, so there shouldn’t be any problems.

So now I’m sitting in my new room: it has four walls (my room at home technically has more), a bed (with an uncomfortable mattress), a desk (which I need to try to adjust, dimension wise), a PC stand (which has a slight wobble) with a PC, my new chair, a lamp that doesn’t work (so now I have to use the lava lamp Nikki gave me), a fan, a nightstand, built-in cupboards and a good supply of cloths and (mostly old) study material. Not much, some might say, but as I am sitting here on my soft throne, it is my kingdom.

I still don’t have that feeling of decadent freedom (I mean that less serious than it sounds) that comes from living in a flat, mostly because I live with my cousin and with him being older, being here first and with his father owning the place, I still feel a bit constrained. Maybe that’s just me being considerate or maybe I’ll loosen up later. Until then, the king commands you go have a drink to celebrate this moment where I blissful in the face of the oncoming storm!